I had a little bit of a breakdown the other night.
Maybe it was the fact that I've been sick for a week...sick and pregnant is not fun.
Maybe it was the hormones.
But I find myself frustrated again. I love my husband soooo much. He is amazing. But we don't have sex. We're not there yet. We had a great summer in 2012...but 2013 was a rough year. We had some good success - some even pain free. And I love that the pain free times gave me my baby girl. But then it was the spotting. 1st trimester was basically sex free...and its hard to get back into it. We've had a sex maybe 3 times in the past 6 months...and I can't really say its been pain free. Sure, its better than it was a couple years ago when we couldn't even get him inside.
But this isn't the way its supposed to be. Maybe I shouldn't watch TV when I'm sick. All the sex...the biggest complaint being time, or stress or whatever. But I would love to have that be my biggest obstacle. I just want to make love to my husband. Really, truly, make love - with all the fireworks and passion of our first kiss. I don't want it to be clinically or technical - it takes so much focus just to relax "enough".
No one knows what my life is like. No one knows how hard it is to have the most beautiful husband in the world - my childhood sweetheart, my best friend - and yet not be able to fully make love. I know I'm not dying. I know there are so many worse things out there we could suffer through. I don't want sympathy but then I do...I don't want to be a victim, but then I wish I didn't have to pretend to be stronger than I feel. Maybe it would be easier, if people knew what we go through. Maybe the encouragement from others - the way they'd encourage someone recovering from an injury - would help.
You know when someone has surgery, people from the community get together and make the family dinner. Because they know that "recovering" is a job in and of itself. What if once a week, I didn't have to worry about life stuff - I had someone's help so that my husband and I could focus on recovering. What if it was OK to say..."I can't work, go to school and recover. I need help."
My husband can't be the one who helps me - he needs to recover with me. I need him to be my doctor, my physical therapist.
Why is this so different from every other medical condition?
Am I being weak? I want to ask for help....but then again, do I really want to share this?
Friday, November 22, 2013
Friday, October 4, 2013
Step 1: Relax
Its been quite a while since I've checked back in. And a lot has happened. I'll list a few things below (leaving out school and work for now).
1) My grandfather passed away. The weeks leading up to it, the funeral preparations, and now the grieving period have been extremely exhausting. I miss him terribly and I don't quite feel like myself without him.
2) I haven't been able to have sex since getting pregnant. There's a two week waiting period every time I got spotting in first trimester. And every time the two weeks were up...I'd get spotting again.
3) I'm officially 2nd Trimester!!!!! 16 weeks, baby!
- And almost to the two week date since my last spotting. So....getting ready to get back in the saddle.
Which brings me to my current thoughts....
They say second trimester is a good time for libido so now I just have to make sure nothing else is getting in the way.
We've been cuddling a lot lately. May I suggest to the ladies out there struggling with the distance vaginismus can create in marriage to find something special (intimacy wise) to do for your hubby. Its not that its only our responsibility to make intimacy happen. Its just that sometimes we are so busy dealing with our own struggles, and empowering ourselves, that we forget to check back in with our hubbies. I won't explain my methods here - but seriously...find something that works for you guys. It can be very simple.
The thing I'm trying to tackle now, in preparation for sex, is getting all these extra stressors out of the way - the school, work, life, family, etc. stressors which affect even my vaginal muscles. I can't get back into things wound as tightly as I am now. So I need to find some ways to relax. Right now, I don't have any sexual desire. But that doesn't mean I can't work on eliminating mental stress which is causing constant physical tension.
So on to step 1: Relax.
1) My grandfather passed away. The weeks leading up to it, the funeral preparations, and now the grieving period have been extremely exhausting. I miss him terribly and I don't quite feel like myself without him.
2) I haven't been able to have sex since getting pregnant. There's a two week waiting period every time I got spotting in first trimester. And every time the two weeks were up...I'd get spotting again.
3) I'm officially 2nd Trimester!!!!! 16 weeks, baby!
- And almost to the two week date since my last spotting. So....getting ready to get back in the saddle.
Which brings me to my current thoughts....
They say second trimester is a good time for libido so now I just have to make sure nothing else is getting in the way.
We've been cuddling a lot lately. May I suggest to the ladies out there struggling with the distance vaginismus can create in marriage to find something special (intimacy wise) to do for your hubby. Its not that its only our responsibility to make intimacy happen. Its just that sometimes we are so busy dealing with our own struggles, and empowering ourselves, that we forget to check back in with our hubbies. I won't explain my methods here - but seriously...find something that works for you guys. It can be very simple.
The thing I'm trying to tackle now, in preparation for sex, is getting all these extra stressors out of the way - the school, work, life, family, etc. stressors which affect even my vaginal muscles. I can't get back into things wound as tightly as I am now. So I need to find some ways to relax. Right now, I don't have any sexual desire. But that doesn't mean I can't work on eliminating mental stress which is causing constant physical tension.
So on to step 1: Relax.
Friday, July 26, 2013
Ahoy! Feeling a little sea sick these days...
Well the queasiness has hit. ...and boy, does it suck!
Compared to some, I probably have it pretty mild. But its like a constant, queasy, just the thought of food makes me want to gag that's getting old really fast.
There's a part of me that's somewhat grateful - I read in some statistics that women who experience morning sickness are less likely to have a miscarriage by like 70% or some other giant number. So in that case...knock on wood...I'm grateful. But its still sucks.
I finally stopped spotting, which means I should be able to get back into the sex thing soon. However, I think we are going to wait till after my appointment a week from Monday, just to be sure.
So right now it just feel like a giant waiting game. Waiting to see the doctor. Waiting to have sex. Waiting for the nausea to go away. But at least these are all healthy, normal signs.
I guess the vaginismus has prepared me for this in a way - all the patience I've learned in waiting to be able to have pain-free sex. And then the patience I've been trying to have (not sure if its been all that successful) in waiting for the sex to be AWESOME. I guess I'm kind of used to waiting.
And this is definitely something worth waiting for.
Compared to some, I probably have it pretty mild. But its like a constant, queasy, just the thought of food makes me want to gag that's getting old really fast.
There's a part of me that's somewhat grateful - I read in some statistics that women who experience morning sickness are less likely to have a miscarriage by like 70% or some other giant number. So in that case...knock on wood...I'm grateful. But its still sucks.
I finally stopped spotting, which means I should be able to get back into the sex thing soon. However, I think we are going to wait till after my appointment a week from Monday, just to be sure.
So right now it just feel like a giant waiting game. Waiting to see the doctor. Waiting to have sex. Waiting for the nausea to go away. But at least these are all healthy, normal signs.
I guess the vaginismus has prepared me for this in a way - all the patience I've learned in waiting to be able to have pain-free sex. And then the patience I've been trying to have (not sure if its been all that successful) in waiting for the sex to be AWESOME. I guess I'm kind of used to waiting.
And this is definitely something worth waiting for.
Sunday, July 14, 2013
I'm having a baby!
I'm having a hard time believing its real. But I've taken a pregnancy test each morning for the past few days. I even bought the digital ones that specifically say "pregnant" in the screen.
I'm having a baby!
I emailed my doctor on Thursday morning right after I took the first test. Her nurse scheduled my appointment for the first week of August. I think I'll be a couple days past 7 weeks at that point. From what I've read online, that's pretty normal.
However, I've had a little bit of brown spotting for about a week now, and even though I read that as long as its not painful and brown, its not anything to worry about...I still find myself very anxious.
Plus I'm alone all weekend because the hubby had to go out of town (planned before we got the news).
I'm planning on emailing my doctor tonight in hopes that she gets the message first thing in the morning tomorrow. Maybe she'll want to check on me sooner.
I'm just trying to stay very calm and relaxed. Drinking lots of water and trying not to worry. I'll feel sooo much better once I hear my little one's heartbeat. I don't want summer to go too fast...but that little heartbeat will be the perfect way to end the summer.
Still doesn't feel real...
I'm having a baby!
I emailed my doctor on Thursday morning right after I took the first test. Her nurse scheduled my appointment for the first week of August. I think I'll be a couple days past 7 weeks at that point. From what I've read online, that's pretty normal.
However, I've had a little bit of brown spotting for about a week now, and even though I read that as long as its not painful and brown, its not anything to worry about...I still find myself very anxious.
Plus I'm alone all weekend because the hubby had to go out of town (planned before we got the news).
I'm planning on emailing my doctor tonight in hopes that she gets the message first thing in the morning tomorrow. Maybe she'll want to check on me sooner.
I'm just trying to stay very calm and relaxed. Drinking lots of water and trying not to worry. I'll feel sooo much better once I hear my little one's heartbeat. I don't want summer to go too fast...but that little heartbeat will be the perfect way to end the summer.
Still doesn't feel real...
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
Not sure what to think these days
So this is either the weirdest PMS I've ever had, or we are going to have the next 9 months to practice sex with no period interruptions (can't complain about that).
No spotting today. I did end up getting a little yesterday, but all old blood. Nothing like a period.
My boobs/nipples are still SUPER sore and I've actually had to wear a bigger bra the past few days. Luckily I still have my old C-cup bras from years ago when I was on birth control and had bigger boobs. The C bras are a tiny bit big, but my normal B-cups kill me with pain and are way too small (kind of a bummer since I just bought the cutest new black bra to help me feel sexy again). My veins are starting to show a little and the bumps around my nipples are a little more pronounced.
I decided to give into my baby-on-the-brain and watched Father of the Bride 2. I started crying from the very beginning when Steve Martin says "9 months ago to be exact". I was weepy the whole film. I've been weepy for a day or two now. My husband has been laughing at me (out of love) - he thinks its super cute.
I think I may give in to temptation and take a dollar store pregnancy test tonight. I can always get more for a dollar and I hear they work pretty well. I was going to wait till Friday (the hubby is going to be out of town this weekend so I don't want to test while he's gone). If I don't have any more bleeding today, I'll take a test.
Oh and I don't know if this is a symptom but I've been SUPER SUPER horny. 2 nights ago I woke up at 3:30 in the morning and almost just tried to have sex then and there. But at the same time, I'm sooooo tired at times and the sleep won over the desire to have sex. Its kind of a bummer I'm having spotting because I really want to try having sex when I actually "crave" it. I can feel attraction, but its rare that I actually feel 100% turned-on and unfortunately, its never lined up with a time when we could actually have sex. Maybe I should have picked sex over sleep the other night...that might have been my chance to start feeling pleasure. O well...maybe next time.
No spotting today. I did end up getting a little yesterday, but all old blood. Nothing like a period.
My boobs/nipples are still SUPER sore and I've actually had to wear a bigger bra the past few days. Luckily I still have my old C-cup bras from years ago when I was on birth control and had bigger boobs. The C bras are a tiny bit big, but my normal B-cups kill me with pain and are way too small (kind of a bummer since I just bought the cutest new black bra to help me feel sexy again). My veins are starting to show a little and the bumps around my nipples are a little more pronounced.
I decided to give into my baby-on-the-brain and watched Father of the Bride 2. I started crying from the very beginning when Steve Martin says "9 months ago to be exact". I was weepy the whole film. I've been weepy for a day or two now. My husband has been laughing at me (out of love) - he thinks its super cute.
I think I may give in to temptation and take a dollar store pregnancy test tonight. I can always get more for a dollar and I hear they work pretty well. I was going to wait till Friday (the hubby is going to be out of town this weekend so I don't want to test while he's gone). If I don't have any more bleeding today, I'll take a test.
Oh and I don't know if this is a symptom but I've been SUPER SUPER horny. 2 nights ago I woke up at 3:30 in the morning and almost just tried to have sex then and there. But at the same time, I'm sooooo tired at times and the sleep won over the desire to have sex. Its kind of a bummer I'm having spotting because I really want to try having sex when I actually "crave" it. I can feel attraction, but its rare that I actually feel 100% turned-on and unfortunately, its never lined up with a time when we could actually have sex. Maybe I should have picked sex over sleep the other night...that might have been my chance to start feeling pleasure. O well...maybe next time.
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
It is actually the real thing this time??
Over the past year, I've had plenty of "am I pregnant?" moments. Although the likelihood was usually pretty low (since we had only had sex a couple times), I wondered over every symptom. With my crazy periods and anxiety issues, I had plenty of symptoms.
And despite my resistance, I am at it again.
I'm trying to ignore the nausea and the dizziness - that could be caused by the anxiety.
Even the extreme exhaustion could be caused by all the things on my plate.
But the SORE boobs...now that is unusual. According to my Fertility Friend chart, my most fertile days were about 10 days ago. That lines up exactly with when we started having lots of pain-free sex. Since about 7 days ago, my boobs have been killing me. Especially my nipples which are REALLY really sore.
Although the sore nipples are very unusual for me (I don't know if I've ever experienced this before), I sometimes get sore boobs before my period. It is possible that I am going to have an early period. A couple days ago I had a tiny bit of very faintly pink discharge. Yesterday I had a little bit of spotting. Its either my period starting a good week or so early, or I just experienced implantation bleeding. The current update...no further spotting.
Its weird thinking that this might actually be the cycle. I've had plenty of false alarms this year, so I tend to think its not going to happen...but there really is no reason to think that it couldn't.
This is going to be an interesting couple of days....
And despite my resistance, I am at it again.
I'm trying to ignore the nausea and the dizziness - that could be caused by the anxiety.
Even the extreme exhaustion could be caused by all the things on my plate.
But the SORE boobs...now that is unusual. According to my Fertility Friend chart, my most fertile days were about 10 days ago. That lines up exactly with when we started having lots of pain-free sex. Since about 7 days ago, my boobs have been killing me. Especially my nipples which are REALLY really sore.
Although the sore nipples are very unusual for me (I don't know if I've ever experienced this before), I sometimes get sore boobs before my period. It is possible that I am going to have an early period. A couple days ago I had a tiny bit of very faintly pink discharge. Yesterday I had a little bit of spotting. Its either my period starting a good week or so early, or I just experienced implantation bleeding. The current update...no further spotting.
Its weird thinking that this might actually be the cycle. I've had plenty of false alarms this year, so I tend to think its not going to happen...but there really is no reason to think that it couldn't.
This is going to be an interesting couple of days....
Thursday, July 4, 2013
Independence Day
Happy 4th of July folks!
It's always a beautiful thing to celebrate, regardless on individual opinions on the politics of our country and our future, I truly believe that by celebrating this day we all take a moment to conscientiously think about what it is that we value and what we are thankful for. That act alone is critical for our future. By thinking of these things we not only improve our future as a country but also the future of our individual lives.
So today I am declaring my independence from Vaginismus.
Today, I refuse to live a life limited by this issue. I have the RIGHT to the pursuit of happiness. And that happiness includes pleasure. In all it's forms.
Now, where's that hubby of mine? It's time to take this battle to the bedroom. Fighting for my rights with my baby by my side...or beneath me...or on top... :-)
It's always a beautiful thing to celebrate, regardless on individual opinions on the politics of our country and our future, I truly believe that by celebrating this day we all take a moment to conscientiously think about what it is that we value and what we are thankful for. That act alone is critical for our future. By thinking of these things we not only improve our future as a country but also the future of our individual lives.
So today I am declaring my independence from Vaginismus.
Today, I refuse to live a life limited by this issue. I have the RIGHT to the pursuit of happiness. And that happiness includes pleasure. In all it's forms.
Now, where's that hubby of mine? It's time to take this battle to the bedroom. Fighting for my rights with my baby by my side...or beneath me...or on top... :-)
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
Positive thinking
Big update:
This has been a rollercoaster week but right now I'm feeling the upswing.
#1...we've had sex 3 times in the past few days and its been completely PAIN-FREE.
I'm still trying to work on that whole pleasure thing, but at least with the pain out of the way I've been able to have fun. Just the fact that I can practice sex...regardless of whether it "feels good"...is fun.
#2...I am so proud of my husband for all he has accomplished and will accomplish. We got a little stressor added to our life this week and started to worry about how that one thing was going to affect future accomplishments. However, I keep forgetting that my husband is an underrepresented minority with a FANTASTIC life story. He is passionate, dedicated and has accomplished soo much. I think all of these factors together will allow the one detail that we are worried about to be seen as an anomaly. I mean....he really is awesome!
This has been a rollercoaster week but right now I'm feeling the upswing.
#1...we've had sex 3 times in the past few days and its been completely PAIN-FREE.
I'm still trying to work on that whole pleasure thing, but at least with the pain out of the way I've been able to have fun. Just the fact that I can practice sex...regardless of whether it "feels good"...is fun.
#2...I am so proud of my husband for all he has accomplished and will accomplish. We got a little stressor added to our life this week and started to worry about how that one thing was going to affect future accomplishments. However, I keep forgetting that my husband is an underrepresented minority with a FANTASTIC life story. He is passionate, dedicated and has accomplished soo much. I think all of these factors together will allow the one detail that we are worried about to be seen as an anomaly. I mean....he really is awesome!
Friday, June 28, 2013
As close to perfect as possible...
I've got a really good marriage. I mean, a REALLY good marriage.
I enjoy just being with my husband. In fact, I've realized that if we are never blessed with children - as hard as it would be - we would still have an awesome life. Yes, I would feel those pangs (I already do sometimes) but we, as a team, are 100% content the way we are.
We are close friends with an older couple that we have known for 10+ years now. This couple chose to never have children despite the fact that they love kids (the wife was a school teacher). When I look at them, I think...that could be us. And even if we have kids - whom we will love with all of our hearts - our kids will someday grow up and have lives of their own. And when it is back to the two of us - we are still going to be having adventures and fun. I have a feeling that we are going to be awesome at being old. haha.
We fight - boy do we fight sometimes. He's got a temper and I'm super messy when it comes to my car and my clothes. Its not a good combo. But at the same time...I continually strive not to be a pig (which by the way, is really only limited to clothes and car...I'm pretty organized in other areas of my life) and he continually tries to elongate his fuse. And when he does snap, he catches himself so quickly that it doesn't even feel like a snap anymore. Our love is greater than our habits. Our marriage is more important than any of the faults that we see in ourselves and each other.
I have family members who write all sorts of blog posts and Facebook comments about marriage and young people today. They talk about our generation has our priorities in the wrong place, and how we should all be focusing on finding a good spouse and having lots of babies.
They probably think I'm a terrible sinner. Married 4 years, no babies or talk of babies on the way. I don't just not talk about babies because of being a student - I don't talk about babies because I don't know if I will ever be able to have them. I mean, I'm still young, I probably will. I'm still very new to (and not very good at) sex. But we've also had sex most months with no reservations about fertile periods of my cycle and have yet to get pregnant. It's been a year.
In an ideal world, we would not have babies for a couple years - maybe even 5 more years. And then we wouldn't have any problems conceiving and then have babies all throughout our 30s. But I don't think its going to be that easy. And we are happy as a couple, content in our marriage and 100% open to children. OK...maybe it would be nice to go to Europe first. But even that isn't enough to make me want to start using condoms and risk loosing my most fertile years.
The thing is, we want babies. But we don't need babies to be happy. We have each other for that. My husband is a rock in my life right now. When I'm dealing with all this anxiety - anxiety which is making even me - a super-optimistic person - feel sad....my husband is my hero.
I'm not pretending everything is perfect anymore - I'm finally past that.
I'm not going to ignore the pain, stress, and anxiety which is actually causing actually physical symptoms in my life.
But I'm not going to lose that faith in the goodness and joy of the world that has always been a major part of who I am.
I'm going to celebrate that which is as close to perfect as humanly possible - my marriage.
I'm going to fix those things that are bringing me down - vaginismus, anxiety, stress
And I'm going to enjoy the journey along the way.
I enjoy just being with my husband. In fact, I've realized that if we are never blessed with children - as hard as it would be - we would still have an awesome life. Yes, I would feel those pangs (I already do sometimes) but we, as a team, are 100% content the way we are.
We are close friends with an older couple that we have known for 10+ years now. This couple chose to never have children despite the fact that they love kids (the wife was a school teacher). When I look at them, I think...that could be us. And even if we have kids - whom we will love with all of our hearts - our kids will someday grow up and have lives of their own. And when it is back to the two of us - we are still going to be having adventures and fun. I have a feeling that we are going to be awesome at being old. haha.
We fight - boy do we fight sometimes. He's got a temper and I'm super messy when it comes to my car and my clothes. Its not a good combo. But at the same time...I continually strive not to be a pig (which by the way, is really only limited to clothes and car...I'm pretty organized in other areas of my life) and he continually tries to elongate his fuse. And when he does snap, he catches himself so quickly that it doesn't even feel like a snap anymore. Our love is greater than our habits. Our marriage is more important than any of the faults that we see in ourselves and each other.
I have family members who write all sorts of blog posts and Facebook comments about marriage and young people today. They talk about our generation has our priorities in the wrong place, and how we should all be focusing on finding a good spouse and having lots of babies.
They probably think I'm a terrible sinner. Married 4 years, no babies or talk of babies on the way. I don't just not talk about babies because of being a student - I don't talk about babies because I don't know if I will ever be able to have them. I mean, I'm still young, I probably will. I'm still very new to (and not very good at) sex. But we've also had sex most months with no reservations about fertile periods of my cycle and have yet to get pregnant. It's been a year.
In an ideal world, we would not have babies for a couple years - maybe even 5 more years. And then we wouldn't have any problems conceiving and then have babies all throughout our 30s. But I don't think its going to be that easy. And we are happy as a couple, content in our marriage and 100% open to children. OK...maybe it would be nice to go to Europe first. But even that isn't enough to make me want to start using condoms and risk loosing my most fertile years.
The thing is, we want babies. But we don't need babies to be happy. We have each other for that. My husband is a rock in my life right now. When I'm dealing with all this anxiety - anxiety which is making even me - a super-optimistic person - feel sad....my husband is my hero.
I'm not pretending everything is perfect anymore - I'm finally past that.
I'm not going to ignore the pain, stress, and anxiety which is actually causing actually physical symptoms in my life.
But I'm not going to lose that faith in the goodness and joy of the world that has always been a major part of who I am.
I'm going to celebrate that which is as close to perfect as humanly possible - my marriage.
I'm going to fix those things that are bringing me down - vaginismus, anxiety, stress
And I'm going to enjoy the journey along the way.
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
Too much unknown
I saw a counselor at school last week. And I have an appointment with her again tomorrow.
I'm not sure how I feel about this. I'm trying to be open minded - but at the same time I'm having a hard time seeing how this is going to help. Not because counseling isn't helpful as a concept...but just because I can't picture it in my life.
Kind of like I can't picture having orgasmic (or even good-feeling) sex.
I'm in my last week of summer school for one of my classes with a long assignment hanging over my head. I only have one more week of the other class
I have a couple gigs lined up this week and next - and then....well, I guess just work on myself and studying.
I'm scared.
I hate this unknown shit. I don't know how I'm going to solve these feelings, I don't know how I'm going to solve this exam, I don't even know where I'm going to be living in a year.
I'm so burnt out. Yoga was helping but its too expensive to keep up.
Plus I feel guilty for feeling so sad and unhappy. I mean most of my life is awesome.
So why is it so hard...
I'm not sure how I feel about this. I'm trying to be open minded - but at the same time I'm having a hard time seeing how this is going to help. Not because counseling isn't helpful as a concept...but just because I can't picture it in my life.
Kind of like I can't picture having orgasmic (or even good-feeling) sex.
I'm in my last week of summer school for one of my classes with a long assignment hanging over my head. I only have one more week of the other class
I have a couple gigs lined up this week and next - and then....well, I guess just work on myself and studying.
I'm scared.
I hate this unknown shit. I don't know how I'm going to solve these feelings, I don't know how I'm going to solve this exam, I don't even know where I'm going to be living in a year.
I'm so burnt out. Yoga was helping but its too expensive to keep up.
Plus I feel guilty for feeling so sad and unhappy. I mean most of my life is awesome.
So why is it so hard...
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
Waiting...
I'm in the two week wait.
Not that we are trying...but we are not not trying either.
And that first successful sex - the first one in months...
Well, I'm pretty sure I was ovulating around that time.
At first I kind of forgot about that little tidbit and didn't even think about the possibility, but I started noticing that my cervical mucus wasn't going away. Usually I get pretty dry as I get closer to my period. Then yesterday (and a little today) I not only wasn't dry...I also had a good deal of creamy white mucus - something I havent seen before.
I've been tired constantly, having lots of headaches, back pain, gas (and other such things), a little bit of crampy feelings, nauseau and dizziness.
The thing is...these are all things associated with anxiety. Months ago when I first started getting nauseated and dizzy I though maybe I was pregnant. But since then, these 2 types of symptoms have become a consistant part of my life.
The only think that has me a little surprised is the cervical mucus and the combination of all these symptoms. I've really been trying to easy my anxiety (today I went to the beach for 3 hrs) so it seems wierd that my symptoms would be increasing. At the same time, anxiety attacks are still a HUGE part of my life these days so there's really no knowing.
Although I'm not regular - based on my average cycle length I should get my period by Thursday. But now that I think about it, I haven't had any spotting. Usually I have a day or two before I actually start.
hmm...
I could spend money on a test...but the best thing to do is wait a few more days.
Its going to be a long couple of days.
Not that we are trying...but we are not not trying either.
And that first successful sex - the first one in months...
Well, I'm pretty sure I was ovulating around that time.
At first I kind of forgot about that little tidbit and didn't even think about the possibility, but I started noticing that my cervical mucus wasn't going away. Usually I get pretty dry as I get closer to my period. Then yesterday (and a little today) I not only wasn't dry...I also had a good deal of creamy white mucus - something I havent seen before.
I've been tired constantly, having lots of headaches, back pain, gas (and other such things), a little bit of crampy feelings, nauseau and dizziness.
The thing is...these are all things associated with anxiety. Months ago when I first started getting nauseated and dizzy I though maybe I was pregnant. But since then, these 2 types of symptoms have become a consistant part of my life.
The only think that has me a little surprised is the cervical mucus and the combination of all these symptoms. I've really been trying to easy my anxiety (today I went to the beach for 3 hrs) so it seems wierd that my symptoms would be increasing. At the same time, anxiety attacks are still a HUGE part of my life these days so there's really no knowing.
Although I'm not regular - based on my average cycle length I should get my period by Thursday. But now that I think about it, I haven't had any spotting. Usually I have a day or two before I actually start.
hmm...
I could spend money on a test...but the best thing to do is wait a few more days.
Its going to be a long couple of days.
Monday, June 10, 2013
Emptying my Plate
Today is a big day for our little family. We are submitting an application that we've been preparing for over 5 years now. Technically its my husband's app, but we are one family and this affects us both (and our future children if we are blessed with any).
I can't even imagine the weight that is going to be lifted off of our shoulders.
Or how it will feel if he is accepted.
I have a phone consultation with a counselor at my school on thursday and I'm finally going to get the help I need. I hate saying I need help but I need to get use to admitting it.
Summer classes end in about 3-4 weeks.
And a major commitment I've had for the past 12 years is no longer on my plate. I have the whole summer off!!!
July is going to feel so wonderfully empty.
I'm going to study, teach some lessons and sit on the beach.
Hell, I'll probably just study on the beach every day.
My husband and I are going to play on our annual summer softball team with friends
And many of my best friends are actually living near me again.
If all of this doesn't help me recover I don't know what will.
Onwards and upwards!
I can't even imagine the weight that is going to be lifted off of our shoulders.
Or how it will feel if he is accepted.
I have a phone consultation with a counselor at my school on thursday and I'm finally going to get the help I need. I hate saying I need help but I need to get use to admitting it.
Summer classes end in about 3-4 weeks.
And a major commitment I've had for the past 12 years is no longer on my plate. I have the whole summer off!!!
July is going to feel so wonderfully empty.
I'm going to study, teach some lessons and sit on the beach.
Hell, I'll probably just study on the beach every day.
My husband and I are going to play on our annual summer softball team with friends
And many of my best friends are actually living near me again.
If all of this doesn't help me recover I don't know what will.
Onwards and upwards!
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
Am I living it right?
Over the course of the past year, my husband has continually quoted a John Mayer song to put some perspective back in our lives. He says..."Are we living it right?"
I always used to wondering whether I would regret getting married so early. Not for the reasons of whether he was the right one or anything like that. But with marriage comes responsibility to the team that is our family. I couldn't move across the country or to England to study. It's difficult enough trying to find the time or the money to simply go fly to Europe to do research. I have to think about the big picture...I have to think about us.
The truth is that I don't regret a single moment of marriage. Even if we had waited to get married I still wouldn't have moved away for graduate school. I love him to much. My happiest moments are with him.
But I have some lost something as the years have progressed and I finally see that is not adventure or opportunity. It's pleasure. I have denied myself anything more than the pleasure of being grateful for health, success and love.
Why do I fear pleasure? Why do I deny myself something that is innate to almost every creature on earth. I'm not just talking about sex. I'm talking about the ability to truly enjoy my blessings instead of just being grateful. Thanksgiving is necessary but in and of itself, it is not pleasure.
I have youth, I have love, I have opportunity. And I am grateful.
But there's so much more to life than that. It not that I'm too hard on myself, it's that I deny myself a human existence. Pleasure, whether it is going to dinner with friends, sitting on the beach or having sex, is not asking too much. It is just human.
I feel selfish allowing myself to feel pleasure but I'm actually denying my humanity by refusing it. And denying humanity isn't good for me or the people around me.
My regrets in the past years have nothing to do with missed opportunities or sacrifices. They have to do with every denials - of doubting that I have the right to pleasure.
So I'm trying.. ..
I had sex twice in the past week. Still learning to be pain free. I'm learning to breathe. I'll get there.
Someday, I'll be living it right.
I always used to wondering whether I would regret getting married so early. Not for the reasons of whether he was the right one or anything like that. But with marriage comes responsibility to the team that is our family. I couldn't move across the country or to England to study. It's difficult enough trying to find the time or the money to simply go fly to Europe to do research. I have to think about the big picture...I have to think about us.
The truth is that I don't regret a single moment of marriage. Even if we had waited to get married I still wouldn't have moved away for graduate school. I love him to much. My happiest moments are with him.
But I have some lost something as the years have progressed and I finally see that is not adventure or opportunity. It's pleasure. I have denied myself anything more than the pleasure of being grateful for health, success and love.
Why do I fear pleasure? Why do I deny myself something that is innate to almost every creature on earth. I'm not just talking about sex. I'm talking about the ability to truly enjoy my blessings instead of just being grateful. Thanksgiving is necessary but in and of itself, it is not pleasure.
I have youth, I have love, I have opportunity. And I am grateful.
But there's so much more to life than that. It not that I'm too hard on myself, it's that I deny myself a human existence. Pleasure, whether it is going to dinner with friends, sitting on the beach or having sex, is not asking too much. It is just human.
I feel selfish allowing myself to feel pleasure but I'm actually denying my humanity by refusing it. And denying humanity isn't good for me or the people around me.
My regrets in the past years have nothing to do with missed opportunities or sacrifices. They have to do with every denials - of doubting that I have the right to pleasure.
So I'm trying.. ..
I had sex twice in the past week. Still learning to be pain free. I'm learning to breathe. I'll get there.
Someday, I'll be living it right.
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Keep Calm and Carry On
A year ago, things were finally starting to look up. Truthfully up...not just me being positive on the surface. I was making lots of progress on overcoming Vaginismus and I was feeling the effects in all areas of life.
But something happened along the way and I'm not sure what did it.
As most things are, I'm sure it was a combination of factors. The stress of exams, the stress of work (in the fall I ended up working a full time job in addition to being a full time student with many part-time jobs)...things were getting rough for the hubby too but we just kept on chugging.
Its ironic that the "Keep Calm and Carry On" phrase is getting so much use these days. I've always been that type of person, but man this was the king of all "keep calm and carry on"-years.
I am happy. I really am. I constantly look for the good in my life and I am sincerely grateful for all the good. And there is so much good...
But all of these blessings don't seem to be enough to allow me to keep the pace I used to keep...To keep the strength and privacy I used to keep...To not let my inner struggles affect my outer life.
And so this year I fell. Peaks and valleys..but an overall decline...
[I took out all the details of my life - it felt just a little to exact. Summary version: I didn't get a job I applied for but the guy they hired is smart and wonderfully kind (even though I was a better fit for the position - I really like this new guy). Furthermore, the boss would have made my life miserabl and I'm so much better off without the job AND I've had way better opportunities since then. My school job has been incredibly stressful this year but the future looks very positive. I failed my test due to all the stress but now I'm finally getting the help I need for my health. And finally (which unfortunately there is not a good side to)...my grandfather has been diagnosed with terminal cantor. And my 93 year old grandmother is getting terrible dementia.]
As you can see...it sometimes feel like a big downhill fall with little peaks of happiness along the way. But honestly I know I will come out stronger for it all. I don't regret any of it. And as for my grandpa... well, I'm keeping the faith that it'll be better than we originally thought.
In the meantime, I'm learning to care for myself and I'm learning to be patient with myself. I'm taking a slower approach to the vaginismus treatment this time around, because I'm dealing with added trials.
No more "Keep calm and carry on" - this time it is "slow and steady."
But something happened along the way and I'm not sure what did it.
As most things are, I'm sure it was a combination of factors. The stress of exams, the stress of work (in the fall I ended up working a full time job in addition to being a full time student with many part-time jobs)...things were getting rough for the hubby too but we just kept on chugging.
Its ironic that the "Keep Calm and Carry On" phrase is getting so much use these days. I've always been that type of person, but man this was the king of all "keep calm and carry on"-years.
I am happy. I really am. I constantly look for the good in my life and I am sincerely grateful for all the good. And there is so much good...
But all of these blessings don't seem to be enough to allow me to keep the pace I used to keep...To keep the strength and privacy I used to keep...To not let my inner struggles affect my outer life.
And so this year I fell. Peaks and valleys..but an overall decline...
[I took out all the details of my life - it felt just a little to exact. Summary version: I didn't get a job I applied for but the guy they hired is smart and wonderfully kind (even though I was a better fit for the position - I really like this new guy). Furthermore, the boss would have made my life miserabl and I'm so much better off without the job AND I've had way better opportunities since then. My school job has been incredibly stressful this year but the future looks very positive. I failed my test due to all the stress but now I'm finally getting the help I need for my health. And finally (which unfortunately there is not a good side to)...my grandfather has been diagnosed with terminal cantor. And my 93 year old grandmother is getting terrible dementia.]
As you can see...it sometimes feel like a big downhill fall with little peaks of happiness along the way. But honestly I know I will come out stronger for it all. I don't regret any of it. And as for my grandpa... well, I'm keeping the faith that it'll be better than we originally thought.
In the meantime, I'm learning to care for myself and I'm learning to be patient with myself. I'm taking a slower approach to the vaginismus treatment this time around, because I'm dealing with added trials.
No more "Keep calm and carry on" - this time it is "slow and steady."
Monday, May 13, 2013
When it rains, it pours....
It's been a rough weekend. I had to work a lot which made everything more stressful.
1) This Sunday was my husband and my last Sunday at the church where we grew up. We are moving on to bigger and better things...in a place that we believe will rejuvenate our souls... But it's still sad to say goodbye.
2) My husband had to reschedule a very big event in his life. We were hoping to be passed it, but alas it was not meant to be. He's been very bummed to still have it hanging over his head.
3) My grandfather went into the hospital on Friday. He's doing better now (in the short term) but things aren't looking good for him. I'm not ready to say goodbye. My grandpa is an AMAZING man. So brilliant but so silly and fun. I love him so much.
This is gonna be a rough week.
1) This Sunday was my husband and my last Sunday at the church where we grew up. We are moving on to bigger and better things...in a place that we believe will rejuvenate our souls... But it's still sad to say goodbye.
2) My husband had to reschedule a very big event in his life. We were hoping to be passed it, but alas it was not meant to be. He's been very bummed to still have it hanging over his head.
3) My grandfather went into the hospital on Friday. He's doing better now (in the short term) but things aren't looking good for him. I'm not ready to say goodbye. My grandpa is an AMAZING man. So brilliant but so silly and fun. I love him so much.
This is gonna be a rough week.
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
I don't know where this came from, but I'm gonna go with it.
I'm researching, writing, and perhaps even being a little bit insightful.
And I have no migraine.
I don't know what happened, but I cancelled everything for the next two days, took off most of this afternoon/evening and for the first time in months, I am having FUN doing research again.
I usually have fun in the final phase of writing, but I've been so caught up in exams lately that I haven't had any time to enjoy true musicology research. And to top things off, this exam got me so far behind in my research for this paper, I was just struggling to get something down on paper so I don't have to take an incomplete.
But suddenly, I read something which I thought was a bit extreme, and then I went...wait a minute, I won't go so far as to say that, but that doesn't mean I should throw out the whole concept. It triggered a snowball of thoughts and ta-da! I'm writing a paper.
The emphasis has shifted a bit from my original thought, but as of right now, it feels great so I'm stickign with it. I can always go back and change it to something boreing tomorrow. :-)
I thin I need to get some rest now, but I wrote a whole outline of the new train of thought and I'm pumped to get up tomorrow and write!
Hopefully this idea is as good tomorrow as it feels now - I would LOVE the opportunity to impress this professor.
And I have no migraine.
I don't know what happened, but I cancelled everything for the next two days, took off most of this afternoon/evening and for the first time in months, I am having FUN doing research again.
I usually have fun in the final phase of writing, but I've been so caught up in exams lately that I haven't had any time to enjoy true musicology research. And to top things off, this exam got me so far behind in my research for this paper, I was just struggling to get something down on paper so I don't have to take an incomplete.
But suddenly, I read something which I thought was a bit extreme, and then I went...wait a minute, I won't go so far as to say that, but that doesn't mean I should throw out the whole concept. It triggered a snowball of thoughts and ta-da! I'm writing a paper.
The emphasis has shifted a bit from my original thought, but as of right now, it feels great so I'm stickign with it. I can always go back and change it to something boreing tomorrow. :-)
I thin I need to get some rest now, but I wrote a whole outline of the new train of thought and I'm pumped to get up tomorrow and write!
Hopefully this idea is as good tomorrow as it feels now - I would LOVE the opportunity to impress this professor.
Monday, May 6, 2013
And they keep looking up...
So this is what its like to get home at a normal hour...
It's kind of nice. If it weren't for the clouds, the sun would still be out...I have some quiet time to myself before having to worry about dinner and life (or in today's case, my paper).
I met with my principal today. She was amazing. I started to tear up a little as I told her I may not be able to teach next year. And she basically told me I could do WHATEVER I wanted. So if I need to end the year early...no problem. If I want to teach every other week next year...no problem. If I want to bring in a different teacher and split up grades or teach different topics...no problem. If I need to leave completely...they would miss me but she would not pressure me to stay. Basically, I get to create my own schedule and amount of devotion for next year, without feeling like I need to give up everything I've worked for. I can bring someone in for a year with me as the advisor/mentor. It's unbelievable how she will bend over backwards for me. I truly am blessed.
So now, a little snack and then I'll start back on my paper.
Life is starting to get back to good again.
It's kind of nice. If it weren't for the clouds, the sun would still be out...I have some quiet time to myself before having to worry about dinner and life (or in today's case, my paper).
I met with my principal today. She was amazing. I started to tear up a little as I told her I may not be able to teach next year. And she basically told me I could do WHATEVER I wanted. So if I need to end the year early...no problem. If I want to teach every other week next year...no problem. If I want to bring in a different teacher and split up grades or teach different topics...no problem. If I need to leave completely...they would miss me but she would not pressure me to stay. Basically, I get to create my own schedule and amount of devotion for next year, without feeling like I need to give up everything I've worked for. I can bring someone in for a year with me as the advisor/mentor. It's unbelievable how she will bend over backwards for me. I truly am blessed.
So now, a little snack and then I'll start back on my paper.
Life is starting to get back to good again.
Sunday, May 5, 2013
Things are looking up
Things are starting to look up again.
My husband made an excel spreadsheet for me to keep track of migraines. However, its become pretty obvious that the stress is a major trigger. I'm working on trying to just stop whatever I am doing or thinking about whenever I catch my headache starting to come on.
The semester is wrapping up and although I am really struggling to write my paper, I am surviving. I'll get there eventually.
I had meetings with 2 of my professors and it was amazingly encouraging. As I had thought, it was the orals which had killed me - there was nothing in the writtens which I couldn't have explained away in the orals if I had not frozen. As much as it sucks that one day put me a year behind - I think its for the best. I think I've said this before, but its worth reminding myself...if I had passed, I probably wouldn't have taken my health seriously. And I NEED to take care of myself for once.
There were a lot of positives about the meetings and apparently there were some faculty who really wanted to pass me (including one of the most challenging professors in the department). Plus, even the one professor who was most concerned about my brain blank does not think I'm flake. He just thought I wasn't quite where I need to be in his particular specialty. I can handle that. The professor I want to be my advisor actually said that she had no issues with her area of specialty and that I shouldn't even worry about it for the next time. This is great news since her area of specialty is the area I want to go into.
All and all...I wish I could just fastward to a week from now when this semester is over. But I'll survive until then.
My husband made an excel spreadsheet for me to keep track of migraines. However, its become pretty obvious that the stress is a major trigger. I'm working on trying to just stop whatever I am doing or thinking about whenever I catch my headache starting to come on.
The semester is wrapping up and although I am really struggling to write my paper, I am surviving. I'll get there eventually.
I had meetings with 2 of my professors and it was amazingly encouraging. As I had thought, it was the orals which had killed me - there was nothing in the writtens which I couldn't have explained away in the orals if I had not frozen. As much as it sucks that one day put me a year behind - I think its for the best. I think I've said this before, but its worth reminding myself...if I had passed, I probably wouldn't have taken my health seriously. And I NEED to take care of myself for once.
There were a lot of positives about the meetings and apparently there were some faculty who really wanted to pass me (including one of the most challenging professors in the department). Plus, even the one professor who was most concerned about my brain blank does not think I'm flake. He just thought I wasn't quite where I need to be in his particular specialty. I can handle that. The professor I want to be my advisor actually said that she had no issues with her area of specialty and that I shouldn't even worry about it for the next time. This is great news since her area of specialty is the area I want to go into.
All and all...I wish I could just fastward to a week from now when this semester is over. But I'll survive until then.
Monday, April 29, 2013
headaches
Today I woke up with a migraine - I still have it now and its killing me. Honestly I have to deal with a migraine at least once or twice a week. Most often on my study days - check out that irony.
I don't know if its the stress of studying or something more tangible....diet, exercise, sleep, etc. So I guess I need to start keeping track of the details. Today's migraine makes a lot of sense - I have not been sleeping well since I woke up from my nerves on Friday at 5am. It's going to be hard to tell stress and activity factors since I've been trying to relax and do nothing for a coule days, but the guilt, stress, embaressment, etc. have been eating me alive.
Known triggars: lack of sleep, not eating enough
Other associations I've observed: stress or adrenalyn rush (often after a performance or a big event, I usually have a very bad migraine when I supposed to be relaxing or celebrating)
So I need to keep a log. Maybe something like this...
Migraine 4/29/13 began around 7 am (still in pain at 12pm)
Today Sleep: 7.5 hours
(fell asleep on the couch for about 45 minutes before actually going to bed, so a little over 8 hours total)
Food today:
Breakfast: Juice, Bannana, munching on cookies throughout the morning (I already had the headache when I woke up so it was hard to eat).
Activities Today: lay on couch, watched a movie
Stress Level: high
Food yesterday:
Dinner:chicken tomato basil pasta; a few sips of wine
Lunch: smoothie, tomato basil soup and a tomato mozzarella panini
Breakfast: Donut
Sleep Yesterday: less than 6 hours (woke up at 6 for work)
**special note: been waking up at 5 for the few days before that...and having trouble getting to sleep
Activities Yesterday: worked 6:30-8am; cleaned house and tried to rest (slept from 3-4); worked from 4:30-6pm; made dinner; watched movie; fell asleep on couch (perhaps neck in a bad position?)
Stress level: high
I don't know if its the stress of studying or something more tangible....diet, exercise, sleep, etc. So I guess I need to start keeping track of the details. Today's migraine makes a lot of sense - I have not been sleeping well since I woke up from my nerves on Friday at 5am. It's going to be hard to tell stress and activity factors since I've been trying to relax and do nothing for a coule days, but the guilt, stress, embaressment, etc. have been eating me alive.
Known triggars: lack of sleep, not eating enough
Other associations I've observed: stress or adrenalyn rush (often after a performance or a big event, I usually have a very bad migraine when I supposed to be relaxing or celebrating)
So I need to keep a log. Maybe something like this...
Migraine 4/29/13 began around 7 am (still in pain at 12pm)
Today Sleep: 7.5 hours
(fell asleep on the couch for about 45 minutes before actually going to bed, so a little over 8 hours total)
Food today:
Breakfast: Juice, Bannana, munching on cookies throughout the morning (I already had the headache when I woke up so it was hard to eat).
Activities Today: lay on couch, watched a movie
Stress Level: high
Food yesterday:
Dinner:chicken tomato basil pasta; a few sips of wine
Lunch: smoothie, tomato basil soup and a tomato mozzarella panini
Breakfast: Donut
Sleep Yesterday: less than 6 hours (woke up at 6 for work)
**special note: been waking up at 5 for the few days before that...and having trouble getting to sleep
Activities Yesterday: worked 6:30-8am; cleaned house and tried to rest (slept from 3-4); worked from 4:30-6pm; made dinner; watched movie; fell asleep on couch (perhaps neck in a bad position?)
Stress level: high
Saturday, April 27, 2013
Learning from My Mistakes
I try to learn from my mistakes. I try to analyze and respond to my experiences in a way which I can better myself.
But the one thing I can't seem to do...the one thing I just struggle with daily is letting myself rest.
It doesn't make any sense. Back in my athletic days, I knew all about the importance of rest days and pacing yourself. But I guess I've lost that.
I have been going at 110% for the past four years. My rests aren't rest...my breaks aren't breaks. If I go out with friends, I usually feel guilty and have to justify it the whole time I'm out. I'm constantly thinking about the pressure, and the obligations....and I've finally cracked.
Yesterday, I did not pass my exams. I...who has always been the top of my class...who has alway impressed my teachers and professors...have let them down. I choked. When they asked me questions, I could barely create a coherent answer. Sometimes, I couldn't even understand what they were asking.
Its not for lack of studying...but its for lack of studying smartly. How can I possibly study when I'm freaking out in the back of my mind the whole time? How can I try to retain information if I'm not in good mental health?
And this damn vaginismus. I mean it...fuckin' vaginismus (ok that's kind of ironic but back to my point...). Besides my husband, two people in this entire world know that I still struggle with this. And I don't think I've really gone to them since I had my good phase last summer.
I have this HUGE secret hanging over my head. And I'm a fricken Pollyanna all the time. I do have a good life - I think its healthy that I try to focus on the positive. But I'm burnt out on hiding. And yet...I still can't tell anyone.
I've made some decisions...
1) I'm going to quick my school job. - I'm only going to teach privately, which is more money for less time, and I get to be my own boss.
2) Since I really only have one class left, I'm going to sit in on extra classes...which allows me learn without stressing me out with all the extra assignments.
3) I'm going to start saying "no" - kindly, gently...but I've got to start taking care of me.
4) I also realize my church makes me very unhappy - some of the people are just not very nice. I've turned down a few church jobs because they take up too much time...but I have one potential option in my future which would allow me to only do one service (but at better pay) in an environment where I will be rejuvinated in my faith instead of frustrated. I really hope this works out. If it doesn't...perhaps I'll just stop working where I'm at.
So ending on a postive. This failure, in the long run, will probably be a blessing. Right now it sucks...really really sucks...but a few months or a year from now - it won't matter. I'll be all the stronger for it. I didn't have the courage to make these decisions before...but I have to now. I need to get over how selfish it feels - I'm going to start taking care of ME.
Thursday, April 18, 2013
The never ending list...
Frozen.
Paralyzed.
That's how I feel these days.
My to-do list is so intense, so overwhelming, that it has honestly stopped me in my tracks. I'm exhausted and I don't know what to do.
I worked my butt off this week, and yet I still haven't prepped for my orals, nor have I done enough background research for my final papers, nor have I memorized my song for my finals. Back when I was a voice major I had to do like 9 songs a semester, but now I can't even get one done with all my other stuff on my plate.
I'm going to be perfectly honesty...I don't know how to do this self-care stuff. I feel lazy and unproductive when I try but clearly the constantly working and stress is not productive either.
I wish I had someone who could just say "nope...this is all you are expected and should do." But the whole self-employed thing...I just keep taking on work and keep taking on work. Not the best idea when I'm a student.
I also wonder what it would be like if I had a normal sex life. If I could experience tension and release. But instead...I just experience tension....lots and lots of tension...
Paralyzed.
That's how I feel these days.
My to-do list is so intense, so overwhelming, that it has honestly stopped me in my tracks. I'm exhausted and I don't know what to do.
I worked my butt off this week, and yet I still haven't prepped for my orals, nor have I done enough background research for my final papers, nor have I memorized my song for my finals. Back when I was a voice major I had to do like 9 songs a semester, but now I can't even get one done with all my other stuff on my plate.
I'm going to be perfectly honesty...I don't know how to do this self-care stuff. I feel lazy and unproductive when I try but clearly the constantly working and stress is not productive either.
I wish I had someone who could just say "nope...this is all you are expected and should do." But the whole self-employed thing...I just keep taking on work and keep taking on work. Not the best idea when I'm a student.
I also wonder what it would be like if I had a normal sex life. If I could experience tension and release. But instead...I just experience tension....lots and lots of tension...
Thursday, April 11, 2013
It's not always about my vagina...
Sometimes, while working on overcoming this darn thing, I forget that there is life beyond overcoming vaginismus.
And on the other side of things, when I get wrapped up in the business of real life, I don't really know to fit tackling vaginismus into the equation.
We've had sex a total of 3 times this month, none of which were particularly easy. I've been wondering whether this is a success or a failure until today when I realized, "who the hell cares?!"
Outside of vaginismus, the past few weeks have been crazy. I took a major set of exams for my program, I found out my grandmother (who is 93) is starting to slip away, and I've slowly started to get my post-exam life back together (work, other school assignments, etc.). My husband is in a very stressful place in work and school and its only going to get more intense until May or June.
But for our families, for our friends...life goes on. My husband and I are locked away in the cavern of our stress and studies. While everyone else, to put it honestly...has a life.
My friend in the peace corps wrote a blog entry about self-care and I realized, maybe there is more to this then I've given credit. I mean, I've known that its important to take care of one's mental and physical health, but I just didn't know how to fit it in. I'm either stressed out dealing with work and school or I'm stressed out dealing with my vagina. I'm always feeling guilty for not working on one or the other. But maybe that's the point about self-care...there isn't really a how - you just have to do it.
So today, I am going to go water my garden and visit my grandmother. She remembered who I was when I called, so that's a good sign. And I'm going to take advantage of that. After work, I'll come home and deal with my vagina. It'll still be there when I come back, no need to think about it in the meantime. And tomorrow, I'll spend a set amount of time working on school stuff. No more, no less. Today, I'm going to stop letting the guilt of having a never-ending to-do list hang over my head. Today, I'm going to prioritize living.
And on the other side of things, when I get wrapped up in the business of real life, I don't really know to fit tackling vaginismus into the equation.
We've had sex a total of 3 times this month, none of which were particularly easy. I've been wondering whether this is a success or a failure until today when I realized, "who the hell cares?!"
Outside of vaginismus, the past few weeks have been crazy. I took a major set of exams for my program, I found out my grandmother (who is 93) is starting to slip away, and I've slowly started to get my post-exam life back together (work, other school assignments, etc.). My husband is in a very stressful place in work and school and its only going to get more intense until May or June.
But for our families, for our friends...life goes on. My husband and I are locked away in the cavern of our stress and studies. While everyone else, to put it honestly...has a life.
My friend in the peace corps wrote a blog entry about self-care and I realized, maybe there is more to this then I've given credit. I mean, I've known that its important to take care of one's mental and physical health, but I just didn't know how to fit it in. I'm either stressed out dealing with work and school or I'm stressed out dealing with my vagina. I'm always feeling guilty for not working on one or the other. But maybe that's the point about self-care...there isn't really a how - you just have to do it.
So today, I am going to go water my garden and visit my grandmother. She remembered who I was when I called, so that's a good sign. And I'm going to take advantage of that. After work, I'll come home and deal with my vagina. It'll still be there when I come back, no need to think about it in the meantime. And tomorrow, I'll spend a set amount of time working on school stuff. No more, no less. Today, I'm going to stop letting the guilt of having a never-ending to-do list hang over my head. Today, I'm going to prioritize living.
Friday, March 22, 2013
Studying and Sex
I took a couple weeks off from work. I can't do it all. Exams, work, life...
And for these two weeks, I picked exams and a modified version of life.
By modified, I mean...minimal shopping, cleaning, cooking, laundry, etc...limited to what I need to get by. And what I need to get by is sex.
All I'm doing these days is studying like crazy and trying not to freak out. And sex is good for me - I mean, I kind of freakout about sex - but I'm learning to control that freakout. And if I can control the sex freakout, then why not the exam freakout. So yesterday I had sex for the first time in many weeks. And it was a little rough - tight to be more exact. But it was able to happen. And that gave me confidence.
If I can overcome vaginismus (even if I'm still working on getting better at it) than I can pass my exams. Or at least not totally fail them. :-P
Regardless, I'm using the skills learned from tackling vaginismus to tackle this exam.
Who would've thought a tight vagina could teach a girl so much...
And for these two weeks, I picked exams and a modified version of life.
By modified, I mean...minimal shopping, cleaning, cooking, laundry, etc...limited to what I need to get by. And what I need to get by is sex.
All I'm doing these days is studying like crazy and trying not to freak out. And sex is good for me - I mean, I kind of freakout about sex - but I'm learning to control that freakout. And if I can control the sex freakout, then why not the exam freakout. So yesterday I had sex for the first time in many weeks. And it was a little rough - tight to be more exact. But it was able to happen. And that gave me confidence.
If I can overcome vaginismus (even if I'm still working on getting better at it) than I can pass my exams. Or at least not totally fail them. :-P
Regardless, I'm using the skills learned from tackling vaginismus to tackle this exam.
Who would've thought a tight vagina could teach a girl so much...
Sunday, March 10, 2013
I hold my tension in my vagina.
I hold my tension in my vagina.
Yep, thats right. Some people hold it in their neck, their back, their clenched fists...
I hold it in my vagina.
To be fair, I also hold it in my neck and jaw. For three years I took TMJ problems to a whole new level. There were times when I couldn't even open my mouth the width of my pinky for over 24 hours. It was cyclic...you start freaking out about not being able to open your mouth, and then you clench even tighter.
Well, my vagina likes to stress out too.
You know, its kind of funny. For many years, I thought I handled stress very well. People thought - "she always seems to calm and collected." Well, the reason I wasn't freaking out on the outside, is because my body was doing it for me.
I'll be honest...I am freaking out now. This exam, is freaking me the f*** out. My jaw is tight, my neck and head are feeling the tension and my vagina is literally throbbing with tension. Literally hurting without me even doing anything. Thank goodness for all I've overcome, because when I do focus my thoughts I can make the pain stop. However, its hard to stop the pain and concentrate on studying at the same time.
My blessing, as always, is my husband. He scoops me up on his lap (even though he has just as much pressure in his life as I do) and holds me against his chest. And in that moment, all the tension melts away. Too bad I can't just stay there forever.
Yep, thats right. Some people hold it in their neck, their back, their clenched fists...
I hold it in my vagina.
To be fair, I also hold it in my neck and jaw. For three years I took TMJ problems to a whole new level. There were times when I couldn't even open my mouth the width of my pinky for over 24 hours. It was cyclic...you start freaking out about not being able to open your mouth, and then you clench even tighter.
Well, my vagina likes to stress out too.
You know, its kind of funny. For many years, I thought I handled stress very well. People thought - "she always seems to calm and collected." Well, the reason I wasn't freaking out on the outside, is because my body was doing it for me.
I'll be honest...I am freaking out now. This exam, is freaking me the f*** out. My jaw is tight, my neck and head are feeling the tension and my vagina is literally throbbing with tension. Literally hurting without me even doing anything. Thank goodness for all I've overcome, because when I do focus my thoughts I can make the pain stop. However, its hard to stop the pain and concentrate on studying at the same time.
My blessing, as always, is my husband. He scoops me up on his lap (even though he has just as much pressure in his life as I do) and holds me against his chest. And in that moment, all the tension melts away. Too bad I can't just stay there forever.
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Feeling pretty ridiculous lately...
This cycle has been a bit of a dud. We've had only two real sex attempts - the first was not-so-good (pain which I couldn't really get to release so I just stopped it before I started associated too much negativity with the attempt), and the second pretty good (mostly pain free but not really any progress forward).
We've had a little bit of success with getting me in the mood, but we've both been so completely exhausted that we haven't been able to do much with that mood.
I've kind of decided that the goal for this month is to mentally get in the zone for sex, even if we aren't able to actually have sex that night. Each time I get aroused, and can stay focused on that arousal for an extended period of time, we'll count it as a win.
Its not that I'm not attracted to my husband - I can't even tell you how sexy my man is....you wouldn't believe me. :-)
...but Vaginismus takes a lot out of you, and one of the first things to go is your libido. I wasn't always this way, but the pain association with sex is enough for any girl to lose some desire. I've been trying to use movies, TV shows (the sexual tension in New Girl has been very helpful lately) and fantasy stories to get me to imagine a place where sex is pain free and AWESOME. Since I don't know what an orgasm feels like, I have to pull from what little pleasure I have experienced, and supplement it with the positive feelings associated with massages and chocolate and such things. Sometimes I feel kind of stupid "imagining" a massage...but the truth is, its a feeling I CAN imagine, then once I have that feeling somewhat in my head, I try and transplant that feeling on a made-up story of a sexual encounter.
It all feels so ridiculous sometimes, especially writing about it now. But what am I supposed to do? Its going to be very difficult to progress forward if I can't imagine a happy ending.
I passionately love my husband with every part of my heart and soul.
...but I need to bring a little naughty back into that passion.
Sex is tension and relaxation.
I've focused so much on the relaxation that its hard to let myself be OK with the idea of tension. I'm hoping that if I allow the tension to occur in the safe space of my imagination, I will some day be able to allow it into the safe-space of the bedroom.
We've had a little bit of success with getting me in the mood, but we've both been so completely exhausted that we haven't been able to do much with that mood.
I've kind of decided that the goal for this month is to mentally get in the zone for sex, even if we aren't able to actually have sex that night. Each time I get aroused, and can stay focused on that arousal for an extended period of time, we'll count it as a win.
Its not that I'm not attracted to my husband - I can't even tell you how sexy my man is....you wouldn't believe me. :-)
...but Vaginismus takes a lot out of you, and one of the first things to go is your libido. I wasn't always this way, but the pain association with sex is enough for any girl to lose some desire. I've been trying to use movies, TV shows (the sexual tension in New Girl has been very helpful lately) and fantasy stories to get me to imagine a place where sex is pain free and AWESOME. Since I don't know what an orgasm feels like, I have to pull from what little pleasure I have experienced, and supplement it with the positive feelings associated with massages and chocolate and such things. Sometimes I feel kind of stupid "imagining" a massage...but the truth is, its a feeling I CAN imagine, then once I have that feeling somewhat in my head, I try and transplant that feeling on a made-up story of a sexual encounter.
It all feels so ridiculous sometimes, especially writing about it now. But what am I supposed to do? Its going to be very difficult to progress forward if I can't imagine a happy ending.
I passionately love my husband with every part of my heart and soul.
...but I need to bring a little naughty back into that passion.
Sex is tension and relaxation.
I've focused so much on the relaxation that its hard to let myself be OK with the idea of tension. I'm hoping that if I allow the tension to occur in the safe space of my imagination, I will some day be able to allow it into the safe-space of the bedroom.
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Out of the game? Or just trusting the coach?
I am not at the top of my game these days.
Finished my period a week ago and we've only had one attempt at sex and I had a hard time focusing enough for it not to hurt. I ended up having to stop it pretty quickly. :-(
This week I turned 26. Spent most of the weekend on my ass writing papers and fellowship applications. It was a good weekend with lots of sweet words and moments with my husband but the one thing I wanted...successful sex....just didn't happen.
I'm so tired these days. I'm working so hard, and every once in a while I fall flat on my face. When I'm working hard, I'm too tired to try for sex and when I have one of those more relaxed days (days dedicated to studying)...I can't focus enough on sex to have to have it be pain-free.
Plus, lately, I've been getting scared about pregnancy, infertitlity and everything that goes along with it.
I got an amazing opportunity to work with a very famous musician for the next few months and I'm looking to do some more professional (as opposed to teaching work) when I finish my exams in April. This has made me anxious about throwing a baby into the whole equation. However, I'm also anxious because we haven't gotten pregnant yet and the doctor said it might be difficult...what if I can't have kids? Or what if I can but its just difficult and then I wait to long and it becomes impossible? I wish I were a year further along in my studies...that would make things so much better.
Its funny...when I try to "be smart" and plan for children in my life, it scares me. I never know what the right decision is. But when we just trust that things will work out for the best, I feel so much better. I've always been one of those "having a faith in God doesn't mean taking a back seat in life"...but on this one issue (the one that I've always thought was the most important decision to be active in), I just get this feeling that I'm not supposed to worry about it. Maybe its not being about being in the game...maybe I'm supposed to just sit on the bench and trust the coach to put me in when the times right.
OK back to studying...I had a cancelled lesson...need to put that time to good academic use.
Finished my period a week ago and we've only had one attempt at sex and I had a hard time focusing enough for it not to hurt. I ended up having to stop it pretty quickly. :-(
This week I turned 26. Spent most of the weekend on my ass writing papers and fellowship applications. It was a good weekend with lots of sweet words and moments with my husband but the one thing I wanted...successful sex....just didn't happen.
I'm so tired these days. I'm working so hard, and every once in a while I fall flat on my face. When I'm working hard, I'm too tired to try for sex and when I have one of those more relaxed days (days dedicated to studying)...I can't focus enough on sex to have to have it be pain-free.
Plus, lately, I've been getting scared about pregnancy, infertitlity and everything that goes along with it.
I got an amazing opportunity to work with a very famous musician for the next few months and I'm looking to do some more professional (as opposed to teaching work) when I finish my exams in April. This has made me anxious about throwing a baby into the whole equation. However, I'm also anxious because we haven't gotten pregnant yet and the doctor said it might be difficult...what if I can't have kids? Or what if I can but its just difficult and then I wait to long and it becomes impossible? I wish I were a year further along in my studies...that would make things so much better.
Its funny...when I try to "be smart" and plan for children in my life, it scares me. I never know what the right decision is. But when we just trust that things will work out for the best, I feel so much better. I've always been one of those "having a faith in God doesn't mean taking a back seat in life"...but on this one issue (the one that I've always thought was the most important decision to be active in), I just get this feeling that I'm not supposed to worry about it. Maybe its not being about being in the game...maybe I'm supposed to just sit on the bench and trust the coach to put me in when the times right.
OK back to studying...I had a cancelled lesson...need to put that time to good academic use.
Monday, February 11, 2013
Feeling positive
We've been sick...yuck! The day after our make-out session, I woke up with a nasty cold. I hadn't even recovered fully from the last one yet. Then last night, he woke up with a 102 fever! Seriously...this sucks.
On a happier note, I'm coming to the end of my period. I'm hoping that both of our bugs will be gone by the time I am ready to start having sex again.
I'm feeling really positive about this cycle. I know I had a bit of a melt down a few nights ago, but the hubby and I have had some fun being playful and a little bit naughty, and I'm really hopeful that this round of practicing allows me to move to the next level.
I so badly want to feel the passion that is sexual intercourse. The intimacy and warmth is wonderful...but I want to feel that rush. I want to experience that something that makes every body so addicted to sex. Without getting my hopes up to much (don't want to put too much pressure on it), I'm really hoping that I can start to let go and give in to pleasure and passion.
Maybe now would be a good time to go read some Jane Austin novels...all that building sexual tension with no release...maybe good to build it up inside of me for my next experience. :-)
On a happier note, I'm coming to the end of my period. I'm hoping that both of our bugs will be gone by the time I am ready to start having sex again.
I'm feeling really positive about this cycle. I know I had a bit of a melt down a few nights ago, but the hubby and I have had some fun being playful and a little bit naughty, and I'm really hopeful that this round of practicing allows me to move to the next level.
I so badly want to feel the passion that is sexual intercourse. The intimacy and warmth is wonderful...but I want to feel that rush. I want to experience that something that makes every body so addicted to sex. Without getting my hopes up to much (don't want to put too much pressure on it), I'm really hoping that I can start to let go and give in to pleasure and passion.
Maybe now would be a good time to go read some Jane Austin novels...all that building sexual tension with no release...maybe good to build it up inside of me for my next experience. :-)
Friday, February 8, 2013
Fireworks and kisses
Yesterday I was moping, hormonal, emotional, and in a whole lot of physical pain.
But gradually, over the course of today, the pain subsided and I was able to come back to my normal self.
During dinner, we decided to catch up on New Girl (we are always a week behind), which ended with a pretty awesome kiss.
Having married my best friend (who I have known since childhood)...it's those out-of-no-where, buried-your-feelings-so-deep-you-didn't-even know-you-even-felt-that-way kisses that really get me going (if you know what I mean...wink...wink)..
Thats exactly what our first kiss was like. Fireworks, music playing in my head (in the yummy warm key of D major...not even kidding, the music in my head was that vivid. At one point, I could actually "see" the chords I was hearing).
I am a living fairy tale...those books, those movies...that's my REAL LIFE!!!
Granted, no one actually has Vaginismus in the movies, but besides that...I live the dream!
So what can a girl who is on her period (and even if she weren't - is still in that transitioning phase of overcoming) do?
.....make out like crazy!
So we did. I jumped my husband and put all that love into what I can offer - LOTS AND LOTS OF KISSES.
You know, there was a time when we couldn't even kiss because the emotional pain from the Vaginismus was so bad. But we've been slowly working on it. For the first time in 3 1/2 years...we were able to really truly make out. Without me losing focus or getting distracted by what we couldn't do.
And it was awesome. So kiss your husbands, ladies! Keep on kissing him till you think you can't anymore and then kiss him again. I promise it works.
Eventually you'll feel that fairy tale romance all over again!
But gradually, over the course of today, the pain subsided and I was able to come back to my normal self.
During dinner, we decided to catch up on New Girl (we are always a week behind), which ended with a pretty awesome kiss.
Having married my best friend (who I have known since childhood)...it's those out-of-no-where, buried-your-feelings-so-deep-you-didn't-even know-you-even-felt-that-way kisses that really get me going (if you know what I mean...wink...wink)..
Thats exactly what our first kiss was like. Fireworks, music playing in my head (in the yummy warm key of D major...not even kidding, the music in my head was that vivid. At one point, I could actually "see" the chords I was hearing).
I am a living fairy tale...those books, those movies...that's my REAL LIFE!!!
Granted, no one actually has Vaginismus in the movies, but besides that...I live the dream!
So what can a girl who is on her period (and even if she weren't - is still in that transitioning phase of overcoming) do?
.....make out like crazy!
So we did. I jumped my husband and put all that love into what I can offer - LOTS AND LOTS OF KISSES.
You know, there was a time when we couldn't even kiss because the emotional pain from the Vaginismus was so bad. But we've been slowly working on it. For the first time in 3 1/2 years...we were able to really truly make out. Without me losing focus or getting distracted by what we couldn't do.
And it was awesome. So kiss your husbands, ladies! Keep on kissing him till you think you can't anymore and then kiss him again. I promise it works.
Eventually you'll feel that fairy tale romance all over again!
Thursday, February 7, 2013
Backslides...
Once a month, I fall into a self-doubting backslide. And because Mother Nature has granted me such long periods (2-3 weeks), I have plenty of time to question all the advancements I've ever made.
Will I be able to have sex in a few weeks?
Will it hurt?
Will I be able to more forward or will it be a struggle just to not have pain?
Will I ever get to the point where I can enjoy sex?
Is this my fault?
Am I forever broken?
Why did this have to happen to me?
Why can't I just make love to my husband?
Why can't I feel anything good?
Will I ever orgasm? ...Do orgasms actually exist or is it just a cruel joke the whole world is playing on me?
It's as if the pain of being on my period is not enough. I have to wonder whether every day without sex is one more day of forgetting how to do everything I've learned.
I love my husband so much. He is my everything - my entire world.
Will the day ever come when I can truly enjoy this love without an asterick?
Sometimes I still feel like I'm 15...I have this huge crush on the most amazing guy and I can't stop thinking about what it would be like to have him like me back...to have him kiss me.
But I'm almost 26 years old and I'm MARRIED to the most amazing guy I've ever known. And he does love me back and he does kiss me. But I'm still wondering what it will be like when we can actually make love.
Will I be able to have sex in a few weeks?
Will it hurt?
Will I be able to more forward or will it be a struggle just to not have pain?
Will I ever get to the point where I can enjoy sex?
Is this my fault?
Am I forever broken?
Why did this have to happen to me?
Why can't I just make love to my husband?
Why can't I feel anything good?
Will I ever orgasm? ...Do orgasms actually exist or is it just a cruel joke the whole world is playing on me?
It's as if the pain of being on my period is not enough. I have to wonder whether every day without sex is one more day of forgetting how to do everything I've learned.
I love my husband so much. He is my everything - my entire world.
Will the day ever come when I can truly enjoy this love without an asterick?
Sometimes I still feel like I'm 15...I have this huge crush on the most amazing guy and I can't stop thinking about what it would be like to have him like me back...to have him kiss me.
But I'm almost 26 years old and I'm MARRIED to the most amazing guy I've ever known. And he does love me back and he does kiss me. But I'm still wondering what it will be like when we can actually make love.
Saturday, February 2, 2013
Timing
I think it may be time.
My husband and I have been off birth control for almost 2.5 years now, and have been having unprotected sex for the past 8 months. Granted, sex has not always been regular or even all that successful, but I would say we've gotten at least a time or two in for each cycle since transitioning in June.
At my appointment a few weeks ago, the doctor told me that we may have a hard time conceiving because of my irregular periods. That hit me like a ton of bricks, and then I realized "wow...its been 8 months since we started having successful attempts at sex and I still haven't gotten knocked up."
When I reason through it (realizing that most cycles did not have very much successful sex) I can tell myself not to worry too much about having kids. However, I also realized that when my husband finishes medical school, I will probably be 32 or 33 years old. Not the ideal age to be starting a family when TTC is already an issue.
Yes, we are not preventing pregnancy, but we are not trying either.
Maybe we should be.
Its obvious that the waiting till residency option is not going to work for us. So do we really want to be having our first child in the midst of medical school? Wouldn't it be better to have the first birth experience be before he starts, so that he can actually be there and experience the fullness of the event. I'm sure its going to be an extremely emotional experience for him and on top of that, we are going to have to get used to the idea of having a family bigger than just the two of us. Wouldn't it be better to have those major moments before classes start?
In some ways, we aren't pushing our timeline up by all that much. We've been used to the idea of starting a family before residency for a while, and I had always imagined starting around the age of 28. If we get pregnant in the coming months, I will be 26 or 27 when I give birth.
The thing is...its never going to be perfect timing. And its only going to get harder to conceive as I get older. Isn't it better to start a little early than wait and find out that its too late?
I wish I could discuss this with my family or someone. But I don't really have anyone except my husband. My friends who know about the vagnismus are thinking of kids in a couple years - but not quite yet - and I don't think either one of them will understand how my medical issues have changed my whole life plan. They won't understand the difference between starting now and starting 2 years from now.
I can't go to my mom or any other family because none of them know about this vaginismus thing. So many of them are MDs or DDSs and they all waited till after school and or in the case of MDs, during their residencies. My whole life I've heard about how hard it is to have kids in medical school. How they don't know why anyone would have kids during school. I know they will love our child...but I know deep down, they are going to wonder why we started so early.
But I'm getting ahead of myself. The point is...it may be difficult - so isn't it better to get started early?
Thus...I think its time.
My husband and I have been off birth control for almost 2.5 years now, and have been having unprotected sex for the past 8 months. Granted, sex has not always been regular or even all that successful, but I would say we've gotten at least a time or two in for each cycle since transitioning in June.
At my appointment a few weeks ago, the doctor told me that we may have a hard time conceiving because of my irregular periods. That hit me like a ton of bricks, and then I realized "wow...its been 8 months since we started having successful attempts at sex and I still haven't gotten knocked up."
When I reason through it (realizing that most cycles did not have very much successful sex) I can tell myself not to worry too much about having kids. However, I also realized that when my husband finishes medical school, I will probably be 32 or 33 years old. Not the ideal age to be starting a family when TTC is already an issue.
Yes, we are not preventing pregnancy, but we are not trying either.
Maybe we should be.
Its obvious that the waiting till residency option is not going to work for us. So do we really want to be having our first child in the midst of medical school? Wouldn't it be better to have the first birth experience be before he starts, so that he can actually be there and experience the fullness of the event. I'm sure its going to be an extremely emotional experience for him and on top of that, we are going to have to get used to the idea of having a family bigger than just the two of us. Wouldn't it be better to have those major moments before classes start?
In some ways, we aren't pushing our timeline up by all that much. We've been used to the idea of starting a family before residency for a while, and I had always imagined starting around the age of 28. If we get pregnant in the coming months, I will be 26 or 27 when I give birth.
The thing is...its never going to be perfect timing. And its only going to get harder to conceive as I get older. Isn't it better to start a little early than wait and find out that its too late?
I wish I could discuss this with my family or someone. But I don't really have anyone except my husband. My friends who know about the vagnismus are thinking of kids in a couple years - but not quite yet - and I don't think either one of them will understand how my medical issues have changed my whole life plan. They won't understand the difference between starting now and starting 2 years from now.
I can't go to my mom or any other family because none of them know about this vaginismus thing. So many of them are MDs or DDSs and they all waited till after school and or in the case of MDs, during their residencies. My whole life I've heard about how hard it is to have kids in medical school. How they don't know why anyone would have kids during school. I know they will love our child...but I know deep down, they are going to wonder why we started so early.
But I'm getting ahead of myself. The point is...it may be difficult - so isn't it better to get started early?
Thus...I think its time.
Monday, January 28, 2013
A week ago I came down with a cold and it is really putting the breaks on practicing sex.
We've had a little fun but I'm too tired and snotty to last very long.
Worst of all, I've been feeling nauseaus, especially this morning. It was so bad this morning that I walked into the bathroom in case I needed to throw up. The nausea a few days ago I just assumed was because of the cold and all the gunk draining into my tummy (gross, I know). But now its got me wondering... The nausea usually goes away as the cold progresses, not gets worse. I'm not going to be paranoid.
I also have not started my period and its been 31 days. For the past few months I've been thinking I have super irregular periods...and then, after really sitting down with my calendar, I realized that they are always (at least since September) 30 or 31 days - the irregular part is just how long they last which is sometimes 2-3 weeks. Yuck!
So we shall see....
Honestly, I just want to be healthy and able to get more practice in. We were having such a good run, I'm afraid that too much time off is going to make things difficult next time we try. I need the rest tonight but I kind of want to practice...just to ease my fears.
I guess I'll just have to keep on keeping on!
We've had a little fun but I'm too tired and snotty to last very long.
Worst of all, I've been feeling nauseaus, especially this morning. It was so bad this morning that I walked into the bathroom in case I needed to throw up. The nausea a few days ago I just assumed was because of the cold and all the gunk draining into my tummy (gross, I know). But now its got me wondering... The nausea usually goes away as the cold progresses, not gets worse. I'm not going to be paranoid.
I also have not started my period and its been 31 days. For the past few months I've been thinking I have super irregular periods...and then, after really sitting down with my calendar, I realized that they are always (at least since September) 30 or 31 days - the irregular part is just how long they last which is sometimes 2-3 weeks. Yuck!
So we shall see....
Honestly, I just want to be healthy and able to get more practice in. We were having such a good run, I'm afraid that too much time off is going to make things difficult next time we try. I need the rest tonight but I kind of want to practice...just to ease my fears.
I guess I'll just have to keep on keeping on!
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Today's Epiphany
So I had a bit of an epiphany today...I think I am one of those women who gets pelvic spasms throughout the day. As I was driving today, I tried doing some kegal exercises and I realized that I was very tight. Then while sitting on the couch studying, I realized that I was clenching "down there" for no reason. We aren't trying to have sex right now...my husband isn't even in the room. I'd really love for some medical researchers to do more looking into this problem. There seems to be so much involved....so many things that we don' even think about.
This may be what my doctor was trying to tell me when she first diagnosed me 3.5 years ago; she looked me straight in the eye and told me that I wasn't crazy or psychologically messed up. As I've worked on overcoming, I've struggled a lot with this. In my darker moments, I wonder how she could be right if it takes such "mental" power to overcome it. I mean if its not "all in my head" - then why can I fix it by using my head?
I think I understand now. These spasms...they can be so much more than a psychological response - so much more unintentional than a "fear" aversion or reaction. It can really be a physiologically problem - just like people get back spasms or headaches. I'm guessing it can very much be stress related, just like my jaw spasms when I'm anxious about things. In fact, perhaps the problem has nothing to do with any fear of sex, anxiety about pain (although I'm sure once the cycle starts...fear of pain is one of the first things to be layered on top). But just because the problem is physiologically, doesn't mean that the solution has to be (botox around my vagina does not appeal to me at all). Its really a testament to our AMAZING brains, our wonderous MENTAL STRENGTH....we are able to relax muscles that most people don't even give a moment's thought. That's pretty awesome in my book.
Thanks, Doc...it may have taken me 3+ years, but I get now what you were trying to say. Perhaps, if I hadn't been such a chicken, I could have just asked you myself...but maybe its better discovering it for myself.
This may be what my doctor was trying to tell me when she first diagnosed me 3.5 years ago; she looked me straight in the eye and told me that I wasn't crazy or psychologically messed up. As I've worked on overcoming, I've struggled a lot with this. In my darker moments, I wonder how she could be right if it takes such "mental" power to overcome it. I mean if its not "all in my head" - then why can I fix it by using my head?
I think I understand now. These spasms...they can be so much more than a psychological response - so much more unintentional than a "fear" aversion or reaction. It can really be a physiologically problem - just like people get back spasms or headaches. I'm guessing it can very much be stress related, just like my jaw spasms when I'm anxious about things. In fact, perhaps the problem has nothing to do with any fear of sex, anxiety about pain (although I'm sure once the cycle starts...fear of pain is one of the first things to be layered on top). But just because the problem is physiologically, doesn't mean that the solution has to be (botox around my vagina does not appeal to me at all). Its really a testament to our AMAZING brains, our wonderous MENTAL STRENGTH....we are able to relax muscles that most people don't even give a moment's thought. That's pretty awesome in my book.
Thanks, Doc...it may have taken me 3+ years, but I get now what you were trying to say. Perhaps, if I hadn't been such a chicken, I could have just asked you myself...but maybe its better discovering it for myself.
Monday, January 21, 2013
It's getting easier...
One week in to this cycle of practicing and we have had sex 6 times. That's right... SIX FRICKEN TIMES! And its getting easier and easier every time.
New year...new accomplishments.
2013 is looking AWESOME.
New year...new accomplishments.
2013 is looking AWESOME.
Thursday, January 17, 2013
Lots of Success
Today is a day for good news.
On Sunday I was feeling very frustrated with my irregular periods and therefore my inability to have consistant practice every month. If I have to take 2+ weeks off each month, it can often feel like I am starting back at the beginning. I don't even remembe if we really had any success in December because of all this craziness.
But since Monday, we have had sex 4 TIMES!!!
It hasn't been completely pain free...but its been minimal pain (usually just when we first get started). And each time has gotten easier and easier. Tonight was the easiest, BY FAR!
Upwards and onwards...
On Sunday I was feeling very frustrated with my irregular periods and therefore my inability to have consistant practice every month. If I have to take 2+ weeks off each month, it can often feel like I am starting back at the beginning. I don't even remembe if we really had any success in December because of all this craziness.
But since Monday, we have had sex 4 TIMES!!!
It hasn't been completely pain free...but its been minimal pain (usually just when we first get started). And each time has gotten easier and easier. Tonight was the easiest, BY FAR!
Upwards and onwards...
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Rough start
3 days in and it's been a rough start.
I've been fighting a cold or some other bug for the past week almost, and it's making me so exhausted. On New Year's Eve, I fell asleep after dinner and didn't wake up until 11:59. On Saturday I fell asleep at 6 and slept till 8 the next morning. Who am I?!
Then, yesterday, I had two moles removed from my back. I didn't think about how that would affect my resolutions. I have to limit my movement as much as possible so as to not stretch the skin and turn the scars into giant, ugly things. So....I guess resolution #1 is going to have a late start.
So number 2...be kind to myself. This has been tougher than I thought it would be. Maybe it's my extreme exhaustion talking, but I need to think happier thoughts. I used to be the biggest optimist I know - and in many ways I still am - I'm just too hard on myself. Isn't there just an off switch I can pull?
#3... So far so good, I think. I was pretty busy yesterday but I took all of Tuesday off and we made breakfast this morning together. So I'll call this one a win.
So maybe I'm not off the start I had imagined, but in keeping with goal 2 (being kind to myself)...I'm gonna cut myself some slack . I can't help that I am sick, and I definitely can't argue with the rest needed after a medical procedure...so this weeks goal is to stay motivated and to stay positive.
I just need to remember that everyone thinks my life is perfect because I have so many blessings and great things in it. I just need to put my focus on those things and trust that my deep dark secrets will someday turn into blessings as well.
I've been fighting a cold or some other bug for the past week almost, and it's making me so exhausted. On New Year's Eve, I fell asleep after dinner and didn't wake up until 11:59. On Saturday I fell asleep at 6 and slept till 8 the next morning. Who am I?!
Then, yesterday, I had two moles removed from my back. I didn't think about how that would affect my resolutions. I have to limit my movement as much as possible so as to not stretch the skin and turn the scars into giant, ugly things. So....I guess resolution #1 is going to have a late start.
So number 2...be kind to myself. This has been tougher than I thought it would be. Maybe it's my extreme exhaustion talking, but I need to think happier thoughts. I used to be the biggest optimist I know - and in many ways I still am - I'm just too hard on myself. Isn't there just an off switch I can pull?
#3... So far so good, I think. I was pretty busy yesterday but I took all of Tuesday off and we made breakfast this morning together. So I'll call this one a win.
So maybe I'm not off the start I had imagined, but in keeping with goal 2 (being kind to myself)...I'm gonna cut myself some slack . I can't help that I am sick, and I definitely can't argue with the rest needed after a medical procedure...so this weeks goal is to stay motivated and to stay positive.
I just need to remember that everyone thinks my life is perfect because I have so many blessings and great things in it. I just need to put my focus on those things and trust that my deep dark secrets will someday turn into blessings as well.
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