Learning from My Mistakes

I try to learn from my mistakes. I try to analyze and respond to my experiences in a way which I can better myself.  

But the one thing I can't seem to do...the one thing I just struggle with daily is letting myself rest. 

It doesn't make any sense.  Back in my athletic days, I knew all about the importance of rest days and pacing yourself.  But I guess I've lost that.  

I have been going at 110% for the past four years.  My rests aren't rest...my breaks aren't breaks.  If I go out with friends, I usually feel guilty and have to justify it the whole time I'm out.  I'm constantly thinking about the pressure, and the obligations....and I've finally cracked.

Yesterday, I did not pass my exams.  I...who has always been the top of my class...who has alway impressed my teachers and professors...have let them down.  I choked. When they asked me questions, I could barely create a coherent answer.  Sometimes, I couldn't even understand what they were asking. 

Its not for lack of studying...but its for lack of studying smartly.  How can I possibly study when I'm freaking out in the back of my mind the whole time?  How can I try to retain information if I'm not in good mental health?

And this damn vaginismus.  I mean it...fuckin' vaginismus (ok that's kind of ironic but back to my point...). Besides my husband, two people in this entire world know that I still struggle with this.  And I don't think I've really gone to them since I had my good phase last summer.  

I have this HUGE secret hanging over my head.  And I'm a fricken Pollyanna all the time.  I do have a good life - I think its healthy that I try to focus on the positive.  But I'm burnt out on hiding.  And yet...I still can't tell anyone.  

I've made some decisions... 

1) I'm going to quick my school job. - I'm only going to teach privately, which is more money for less time, and I get to be my own boss.

2) Since I really only have one class left, I'm going to sit in on extra classes...which allows me learn without stressing me out with all the extra assignments.

3) I'm going to start saying "no" - kindly, gently...but I've got to start taking care of me.

4) I also realize my church makes me very unhappy - some of the people are just not very nice.  I've turned down a few church jobs because they take up too much time...but I have one potential option in my future which would allow me to only do one service (but at better pay) in an environment where I will be rejuvinated in my faith instead of frustrated.  I really hope this works out.  If it doesn't...perhaps I'll just stop working where I'm at.  

So ending on a postive.  This failure, in the long run, will probably be a blessing.  Right now it sucks...really really sucks...but a few months or a year from now - it won't matter.  I'll be all the stronger for it.  I didn't have the courage to make these decisions before...but I have to now.  I need to get over how selfish it feels - I'm going to start taking care of ME.