This cycle has been a bit of a dud. We've had only two real sex attempts - the first was not-so-good (pain which I couldn't really get to release so I just stopped it before I started associated too much negativity with the attempt), and the second pretty good (mostly pain free but not really any progress forward).
We've had a little bit of success with getting me in the mood, but we've both been so completely exhausted that we haven't been able to do much with that mood.
I've kind of decided that the goal for this month is to mentally get in the zone for sex, even if we aren't able to actually have sex that night. Each time I get aroused, and can stay focused on that arousal for an extended period of time, we'll count it as a win.
Its not that I'm not attracted to my husband - I can't even tell you how sexy my man is....you wouldn't believe me. :-)
...but Vaginismus takes a lot out of you, and one of the first things to go is your libido. I wasn't always this way, but the pain association with sex is enough for any girl to lose some desire. I've been trying to use movies, TV shows (the sexual tension in New Girl has been very helpful lately) and fantasy stories to get me to imagine a place where sex is pain free and AWESOME. Since I don't know what an orgasm feels like, I have to pull from what little pleasure I have experienced, and supplement it with the positive feelings associated with massages and chocolate and such things. Sometimes I feel kind of stupid "imagining" a massage...but the truth is, its a feeling I CAN imagine, then once I have that feeling somewhat in my head, I try and transplant that feeling on a made-up story of a sexual encounter.
It all feels so ridiculous sometimes, especially writing about it now. But what am I supposed to do? Its going to be very difficult to progress forward if I can't imagine a happy ending.
I passionately love my husband with every part of my heart and soul.
...but I need to bring a little naughty back into that passion.
Sex is tension and relaxation.
I've focused so much on the relaxation that its hard to let myself be OK with the idea of tension. I'm hoping that if I allow the tension to occur in the safe space of my imagination, I will some day be able to allow it into the safe-space of the bedroom.
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