Out of the game? Or just trusting the coach?

I am not at the top of my game these days.

Finished my period a week ago and we've only had one attempt at sex and I had a hard time focusing enough for it not to hurt.  I ended up having to stop it pretty quickly. :-(

This week I turned 26.  Spent most of the weekend on my ass writing papers and fellowship applications. It was a good weekend with lots of sweet words and moments with my husband but the one thing I wanted...successful sex....just didn't happen.

I'm so tired these days. I'm working so hard, and every once in a while I fall flat on my face.  When I'm working hard, I'm too tired to try for sex and when I have one of those more relaxed days (days dedicated to studying)...I can't focus enough on sex to have to have it be pain-free.

Plus, lately, I've been getting scared about pregnancy, infertitlity and everything that goes along with it.

I got an amazing opportunity to work with a very famous musician for the next few months and I'm looking to do some more professional (as opposed to teaching work) when I finish my exams in April.  This has made me anxious about throwing a baby into the whole equation.  However, I'm also anxious because we haven't gotten pregnant yet and the doctor said it might be difficult...what if I can't have kids?  Or what if I can but its just difficult and then I wait to long and it becomes impossible?  I wish I were a year further along in my studies...that would make things so much better. 

Its funny...when I try to "be smart" and plan for children in my life, it scares me.  I never know what the right decision is.  But when we just trust that things will work out for the best, I feel so much better.  I've always been one of those "having a faith in God doesn't mean taking a back seat in life"...but on this one issue (the one that I've always thought was the most important decision to be active in), I just get this feeling that I'm not supposed to worry about it.  Maybe its not being about being in the game...maybe I'm supposed to just sit on the bench and trust the coach to put me in when the times right.

OK back to studying...I had a cancelled lesson...need to put that time to good academic use.