As close to perfect as possible...

I've got a really good marriage. I mean, a REALLY good marriage.

I enjoy just being with my husband.  In fact, I've realized that if we are never blessed with children - as hard as it would be - we would still have an awesome life.  Yes, I would feel those pangs (I already do sometimes) but we, as a team, are 100% content the way we are.

We are close friends with an older couple that we have known for 10+ years now.  This couple chose to never have children despite the fact that they love kids (the wife was a school teacher).  When I look at them, I think...that could be us.  And even if we have kids - whom we will love with all of our hearts - our kids will someday grow up and have lives of their own.  And when it is back to the two of us - we are still going to be having adventures and fun.  I have a feeling that we are going to be awesome at being old. haha.

We fight - boy do we fight sometimes.  He's got a temper and I'm super messy when it comes to my car and my clothes.  Its not a good combo. But at the same time...I continually strive not to be a pig (which by the way, is really only limited to clothes and car...I'm pretty organized in other areas of my life) and he continually tries to elongate his fuse.  And when he does snap, he catches himself so quickly that it doesn't even feel like a snap anymore.  Our love is greater than our habits. Our marriage is more important than any of the faults that we see in ourselves and each other.

I  have family members who write all sorts of blog posts and Facebook comments about marriage and young people today.  They talk about our generation has our priorities in the wrong place, and how we should all be focusing on finding a good spouse and having lots of babies. 

They probably think I'm a terrible sinner. Married 4 years, no babies or talk of babies on the way.  I don't just not talk about babies because of being a student - I don't talk about babies because I don't know if I will ever be able to have them.  I mean, I'm still young, I probably will.  I'm still very new to (and not very good at) sex.  But we've also had sex most months with no reservations about fertile periods of my cycle and have yet to get pregnant.  It's been a year. 

In an ideal world, we would not have babies for a couple years - maybe even 5 more years.  And then we wouldn't have any problems conceiving and then have babies all throughout our 30s.  But I don't think its going to be that easy.  And we are happy as a couple, content in our marriage and 100% open to children.  OK...maybe it would be nice to go to Europe first. But even that isn't enough to make me want to start using condoms and risk loosing my most fertile years.

The thing is, we want babies.  But we don't need babies to be happy.  We have each other for that.  My husband is a rock in my life right now.  When I'm dealing with all this anxiety - anxiety which is making even me - a super-optimistic person - feel sad....my husband is my hero.

I'm not pretending everything is perfect anymore - I'm finally past that.

I'm not going to ignore the pain, stress, and anxiety which is actually causing actually physical symptoms in my life.

But I'm not going to lose that faith in the goodness and joy of the world that has always been a major part of who I am. 

I'm going to celebrate that which is as close to perfect as humanly possible - my marriage.
I'm going to fix those things that are bringing me down - vaginismus, anxiety, stress
And I'm going to enjoy the journey along the way.