Am I living it right?

Over the course of the past year, my husband has continually quoted a John Mayer song to put some perspective back in our lives. He says..."Are we living it right?"

I always used to wondering whether I would regret getting married so early.  Not for the reasons of whether he was the right one or anything like that.  But with marriage comes responsibility to the team that is our family.  I couldn't move across the country or to England to study.  It's difficult enough trying to find the time or the money to simply go fly to Europe to do research.  I have to think about the big picture...I have to think about us.

The truth is that I don't regret a single moment of marriage.  Even if we had waited to get married I still wouldn't have moved away for graduate school.  I love him to much.  My happiest moments are with him.

But I have some lost something as the years have progressed and I finally see that is not adventure or opportunity. It's pleasure.  I have denied myself anything more than the pleasure of being grateful for health, success and love.

Why do I fear pleasure? Why do I deny myself something that is innate to almost every creature on earth.  I'm not just talking about sex.  I'm talking about the ability to truly enjoy my blessings instead of just being grateful.   Thanksgiving is necessary but in and of itself, it is not pleasure.

I have youth, I have love, I have opportunity.  And I am grateful.

But there's so much more to life than that.  It not that I'm too hard on myself, it's that I deny myself a human existence. Pleasure, whether it is going to dinner with friends, sitting on the beach or having sex, is not asking too much.  It is just human.

I feel selfish allowing myself to feel pleasure but I'm actually denying my humanity by refusing it.  And denying humanity isn't good for me or the people around me.

My regrets in the past years have nothing to do with missed opportunities or sacrifices. They have to do with every denials - of doubting that I have the right to pleasure.

So I'm trying.. ..
I had sex twice in the past week. Still learning to be pain free.   I'm learning to breathe. I'll get there.

Someday, I'll be living it right.