It's not always about my vagina...

Sometimes, while working on overcoming this darn thing, I forget that there is life beyond overcoming vaginismus.

And on the other side of things, when I get wrapped up in the business of real life, I don't really know to fit tackling vaginismus into the equation.

We've had sex a total of 3  times this month, none of which were particularly easy.  I've been wondering whether this is a success or a failure until today when I realized, "who the hell cares?!"
Outside of vaginismus, the past few weeks have been crazy.  I took a major set of exams for my program, I found out my grandmother (who is 93) is starting to slip away, and I've slowly started to get my post-exam life back together (work, other school assignments, etc.).  My husband is in a very stressful place in work and school and its only going to get more intense until May or June. 

But for our families, for our friends...life goes on.  My husband and I are locked away in the cavern of our stress and studies.  While everyone else, to put it honestly...has a life.

My friend in the peace corps wrote a blog entry about self-care and I realized, maybe there is more to this then I've given credit.  I mean, I've known that its important to take care of one's mental and physical health, but I just didn't know how to fit it in.  I'm either stressed out dealing with work and school or I'm stressed out dealing with my vagina. I'm always feeling guilty for not working on one or the other.  But maybe that's the point about self-care...there isn't really a how - you just have to do it. 

So today, I am going to go water my garden and visit my grandmother.  She remembered who I was when I called, so that's a good sign. And I'm going to take advantage of that.  After work, I'll come home and deal with my vagina.  It'll still be there when I come back, no need to think about it in the meantime.  And tomorrow, I'll spend a set amount of time working on school stuff.  No more, no less. Today, I'm going to stop letting the guilt of having a never-ending to-do list hang over my head.  Today, I'm going to prioritize living.

Studying and Sex

I took a couple weeks off from work.  I can't do it all.  Exams, work, life...
And for these two weeks, I picked exams and a modified version of life.

By modified, I mean...minimal shopping, cleaning, cooking, laundry, etc...limited to what I need to get by.  And what I need to get by is sex. 

All I'm doing these days is studying like crazy and trying not to freak out.  And sex is good for me - I mean, I kind of freakout about sex - but I'm learning to control that freakout.  And if I can control the sex freakout, then why not the exam freakout.  So yesterday I had sex for the first time in many weeks.  And it was a little rough - tight to be more exact.  But it was able to happen.  And that gave me confidence. 

If I can overcome vaginismus (even if I'm still working on getting better at it) than I can pass my exams.  Or at least not totally fail them. :-P

Regardless, I'm using the skills learned from tackling vaginismus to tackle this exam. 
Who would've thought a tight vagina could teach a girl so much...

I hold my tension in my vagina.

I hold my tension in my vagina.

Yep, thats right.  Some people hold it in their neck, their back, their clenched fists...

I hold it in my vagina.

To be fair, I also hold it in my neck and jaw.  For three years I took TMJ problems to a whole new level.  There were times when I couldn't even open my mouth the width of my pinky for over 24 hours.  It was cyclic...you start freaking out about not being able to open your mouth, and then you clench even tighter.

Well, my vagina likes to stress out too. 

You know, its kind of funny.  For many years, I thought I handled stress very well.  People thought - "she always seems to calm and collected."  Well, the reason I wasn't freaking out on the outside, is because my body was doing it for me. 

I'll be honest...I am freaking out now.  This exam, is freaking me the f*** out.  My jaw is tight, my neck and head are feeling the tension and my vagina is literally throbbing with tension.  Literally hurting without me even doing anything.  Thank goodness for all I've overcome, because when I do focus my thoughts I can make the pain stop.  However, its hard to stop the pain and concentrate on studying at the same time.

My blessing, as always, is my husband.  He scoops me up on his lap (even though he has just as much pressure in his life as I do) and holds me against his chest.  And in that moment, all the tension melts away.  Too bad I can't just stay there forever.

Feeling pretty ridiculous lately...

This cycle has been a bit of a dud.  We've had only two real sex attempts - the first was not-so-good (pain which I couldn't really get to release so I just stopped it before I started associated too much negativity with the attempt), and the second pretty good (mostly pain free but not really any progress forward).

We've had a little bit of success with getting me in the mood, but we've both been so completely exhausted that we haven't been able to do much with that mood. 

I've kind of decided that the goal for this month is to mentally get in the zone for sex, even if we aren't able to actually have sex that night.  Each time I get aroused, and can stay focused on that arousal for an extended period of time, we'll count it as a win.

Its not that I'm not attracted to my husband - I can't even tell you how sexy my man is....you wouldn't believe me.  :-)
...but Vaginismus takes a lot out of you, and one of the first things to go is your libido.  I wasn't always this way, but the pain association with sex is enough for any girl to lose some desire.  I've been trying to use movies, TV shows (the sexual tension in New Girl has been very helpful lately) and fantasy stories to get me to imagine a place where sex is pain free and AWESOME.  Since I don't know what an orgasm feels like, I have to pull from what little pleasure I have experienced, and supplement it with the positive feelings associated with massages and chocolate and such things.  Sometimes  I feel kind of stupid "imagining" a massage...but the truth is, its a feeling I CAN imagine, then once I have that feeling somewhat in my head, I try and transplant that feeling on a made-up story of a sexual encounter. 

It all feels so ridiculous sometimes, especially writing about it now.  But what am I supposed to do?  Its going to be very difficult to progress forward  if I can't imagine a happy ending.

I passionately love my husband with every part of my heart and soul. 
...but I need to bring a little naughty back into that passion. 

Sex is tension and relaxation.
I've focused so much on the relaxation that its hard to let myself be OK with the idea of tension.  I'm hoping that if I allow the tension to occur in the safe space of my imagination, I will some day be able to allow it into the safe-space of the bedroom.    

Out of the game? Or just trusting the coach?

I am not at the top of my game these days.

Finished my period a week ago and we've only had one attempt at sex and I had a hard time focusing enough for it not to hurt.  I ended up having to stop it pretty quickly. :-(

This week I turned 26.  Spent most of the weekend on my ass writing papers and fellowship applications. It was a good weekend with lots of sweet words and moments with my husband but the one thing I wanted...successful sex....just didn't happen.

I'm so tired these days. I'm working so hard, and every once in a while I fall flat on my face.  When I'm working hard, I'm too tired to try for sex and when I have one of those more relaxed days (days dedicated to studying)...I can't focus enough on sex to have to have it be pain-free.

Plus, lately, I've been getting scared about pregnancy, infertitlity and everything that goes along with it.

I got an amazing opportunity to work with a very famous musician for the next few months and I'm looking to do some more professional (as opposed to teaching work) when I finish my exams in April.  This has made me anxious about throwing a baby into the whole equation.  However, I'm also anxious because we haven't gotten pregnant yet and the doctor said it might be difficult...what if I can't have kids?  Or what if I can but its just difficult and then I wait to long and it becomes impossible?  I wish I were a year further along in my studies...that would make things so much better. 

Its funny...when I try to "be smart" and plan for children in my life, it scares me.  I never know what the right decision is.  But when we just trust that things will work out for the best, I feel so much better.  I've always been one of those "having a faith in God doesn't mean taking a back seat in life"...but on this one issue (the one that I've always thought was the most important decision to be active in), I just get this feeling that I'm not supposed to worry about it.  Maybe its not being about being in the game...maybe I'm supposed to just sit on the bench and trust the coach to put me in when the times right.

OK back to studying...I had a cancelled lesson...need to put that time to good academic use.

Feeling positive

We've been sick...yuck!  The day after our make-out session, I woke up with a nasty cold.  I hadn't even recovered fully from the last one yet.  Then last night, he woke up with a 102 fever! Seriously...this sucks.

On a happier note, I'm coming to the end of my period.  I'm hoping that both of our bugs will be gone by the time I am ready to start having sex again.

I'm feeling really positive about this cycle.  I know I had a bit of a melt down a few nights ago, but the hubby and I have had some fun being playful and a little bit naughty, and I'm really hopeful that this round of practicing allows me to move to the next level. 

I so badly want to feel the passion that is sexual intercourse.  The intimacy and warmth is wonderful...but I want to feel that rush.  I want to experience that something that makes every body so addicted to sex.  Without getting my hopes up to much (don't want to put too much pressure on it), I'm really hoping that I can start to let go and give in to pleasure and passion.

Maybe now would be a good time to go read some Jane Austin novels...all that building sexual tension with no release...maybe good to build it up inside of me for my next experience. :-)

Fireworks and kisses

Yesterday I was moping, hormonal, emotional, and in a whole lot of physical pain.

But gradually, over the course of today, the pain subsided and I was able to come back to my normal self.

During dinner, we decided to catch up on New Girl (we are always a week behind), which ended with a pretty awesome kiss.

Having married my best friend (who I have known since childhood)...it's those out-of-no-where, buried-your-feelings-so-deep-you-didn't-even know-you-even-felt-that-way kisses that really get me going (if you know what I mean...wink...wink)..

Thats exactly what our first kiss was like. Fireworks, music playing in my head (in the yummy warm key of D major...not even kidding, the music in my head was that vivid.  At one point, I could actually "see" the chords I was hearing).

 I am a living fairy tale...those books, those movies...that's my REAL LIFE!!!
Granted, no one actually has Vaginismus in the movies, but besides that...I live the dream!

So what can a girl who is on her period (and even if she weren't - is still in that transitioning phase of overcoming) do?

.....make out like crazy!

So we did.  I jumped my husband and put all that love into what I can offer - LOTS AND LOTS OF KISSES.

You know, there was a time when we couldn't even kiss because the emotional pain from the Vaginismus was so bad.  But we've been slowly working on it.  For the first time in 3 1/2 years...we were able to really truly make out. Without me losing focus or getting distracted by what we couldn't do.

And it was awesome.  So kiss your husbands, ladies! Keep on kissing him till you think you can't anymore and then kiss him again.  I promise it works.

Eventually you'll feel that fairy tale romance all over again!