Feeling pretty ridiculous lately...

This cycle has been a bit of a dud.  We've had only two real sex attempts - the first was not-so-good (pain which I couldn't really get to release so I just stopped it before I started associated too much negativity with the attempt), and the second pretty good (mostly pain free but not really any progress forward).

We've had a little bit of success with getting me in the mood, but we've both been so completely exhausted that we haven't been able to do much with that mood. 

I've kind of decided that the goal for this month is to mentally get in the zone for sex, even if we aren't able to actually have sex that night.  Each time I get aroused, and can stay focused on that arousal for an extended period of time, we'll count it as a win.

Its not that I'm not attracted to my husband - I can't even tell you how sexy my man is....you wouldn't believe me.  :-)
...but Vaginismus takes a lot out of you, and one of the first things to go is your libido.  I wasn't always this way, but the pain association with sex is enough for any girl to lose some desire.  I've been trying to use movies, TV shows (the sexual tension in New Girl has been very helpful lately) and fantasy stories to get me to imagine a place where sex is pain free and AWESOME.  Since I don't know what an orgasm feels like, I have to pull from what little pleasure I have experienced, and supplement it with the positive feelings associated with massages and chocolate and such things.  Sometimes  I feel kind of stupid "imagining" a massage...but the truth is, its a feeling I CAN imagine, then once I have that feeling somewhat in my head, I try and transplant that feeling on a made-up story of a sexual encounter. 

It all feels so ridiculous sometimes, especially writing about it now.  But what am I supposed to do?  Its going to be very difficult to progress forward  if I can't imagine a happy ending.

I passionately love my husband with every part of my heart and soul. 
...but I need to bring a little naughty back into that passion. 

Sex is tension and relaxation.
I've focused so much on the relaxation that its hard to let myself be OK with the idea of tension.  I'm hoping that if I allow the tension to occur in the safe space of my imagination, I will some day be able to allow it into the safe-space of the bedroom.    

Out of the game? Or just trusting the coach?

I am not at the top of my game these days.

Finished my period a week ago and we've only had one attempt at sex and I had a hard time focusing enough for it not to hurt.  I ended up having to stop it pretty quickly. :-(

This week I turned 26.  Spent most of the weekend on my ass writing papers and fellowship applications. It was a good weekend with lots of sweet words and moments with my husband but the one thing I wanted...successful sex....just didn't happen.

I'm so tired these days. I'm working so hard, and every once in a while I fall flat on my face.  When I'm working hard, I'm too tired to try for sex and when I have one of those more relaxed days (days dedicated to studying)...I can't focus enough on sex to have to have it be pain-free.

Plus, lately, I've been getting scared about pregnancy, infertitlity and everything that goes along with it.

I got an amazing opportunity to work with a very famous musician for the next few months and I'm looking to do some more professional (as opposed to teaching work) when I finish my exams in April.  This has made me anxious about throwing a baby into the whole equation.  However, I'm also anxious because we haven't gotten pregnant yet and the doctor said it might be difficult...what if I can't have kids?  Or what if I can but its just difficult and then I wait to long and it becomes impossible?  I wish I were a year further along in my studies...that would make things so much better. 

Its funny...when I try to "be smart" and plan for children in my life, it scares me.  I never know what the right decision is.  But when we just trust that things will work out for the best, I feel so much better.  I've always been one of those "having a faith in God doesn't mean taking a back seat in life"...but on this one issue (the one that I've always thought was the most important decision to be active in), I just get this feeling that I'm not supposed to worry about it.  Maybe its not being about being in the game...maybe I'm supposed to just sit on the bench and trust the coach to put me in when the times right.

OK back to studying...I had a cancelled lesson...need to put that time to good academic use.

Feeling positive

We've been sick...yuck!  The day after our make-out session, I woke up with a nasty cold.  I hadn't even recovered fully from the last one yet.  Then last night, he woke up with a 102 fever! Seriously...this sucks.

On a happier note, I'm coming to the end of my period.  I'm hoping that both of our bugs will be gone by the time I am ready to start having sex again.

I'm feeling really positive about this cycle.  I know I had a bit of a melt down a few nights ago, but the hubby and I have had some fun being playful and a little bit naughty, and I'm really hopeful that this round of practicing allows me to move to the next level. 

I so badly want to feel the passion that is sexual intercourse.  The intimacy and warmth is wonderful...but I want to feel that rush.  I want to experience that something that makes every body so addicted to sex.  Without getting my hopes up to much (don't want to put too much pressure on it), I'm really hoping that I can start to let go and give in to pleasure and passion.

Maybe now would be a good time to go read some Jane Austin novels...all that building sexual tension with no release...maybe good to build it up inside of me for my next experience. :-)

Fireworks and kisses

Yesterday I was moping, hormonal, emotional, and in a whole lot of physical pain.

But gradually, over the course of today, the pain subsided and I was able to come back to my normal self.

During dinner, we decided to catch up on New Girl (we are always a week behind), which ended with a pretty awesome kiss.

Having married my best friend (who I have known since childhood)...it's those out-of-no-where, buried-your-feelings-so-deep-you-didn't-even know-you-even-felt-that-way kisses that really get me going (if you know what I mean...wink...wink)..

Thats exactly what our first kiss was like. Fireworks, music playing in my head (in the yummy warm key of D major...not even kidding, the music in my head was that vivid.  At one point, I could actually "see" the chords I was hearing).

 I am a living fairy tale...those books, those movies...that's my REAL LIFE!!!
Granted, no one actually has Vaginismus in the movies, but besides that...I live the dream!

So what can a girl who is on her period (and even if she weren't - is still in that transitioning phase of overcoming) do?

.....make out like crazy!

So we did.  I jumped my husband and put all that love into what I can offer - LOTS AND LOTS OF KISSES.

You know, there was a time when we couldn't even kiss because the emotional pain from the Vaginismus was so bad.  But we've been slowly working on it.  For the first time in 3 1/2 years...we were able to really truly make out. Without me losing focus or getting distracted by what we couldn't do.

And it was awesome.  So kiss your husbands, ladies! Keep on kissing him till you think you can't anymore and then kiss him again.  I promise it works.

Eventually you'll feel that fairy tale romance all over again!

Backslides...

Once a month, I fall into a self-doubting backslide.  And because Mother Nature has granted me such long periods (2-3 weeks), I have plenty of time to question all the advancements I've ever made. 

Will I be able to have sex in a few weeks?
Will it hurt?
Will I be able to more forward or will it be a struggle just to not have pain?
Will I ever get to the point where I can enjoy sex?
Is this my fault?
Am I forever broken?
Why did this have to happen to me?
Why can't I just make love to my husband?
Why can't I feel anything good?
Will I ever orgasm?  ...Do orgasms actually exist or is it just a cruel joke the whole world is playing on me?

It's  as if the pain of being on my period is not enough.  I have to wonder whether every day without sex is one more day of forgetting how to do everything I've learned.

I love my husband so much.  He is my everything - my entire world. 
Will the day ever come when I can truly enjoy this love without an asterick?

Sometimes I still feel like I'm 15...I have this huge crush on the most amazing guy and I can't stop thinking about what it would be like to have him like me back...to have him kiss me.

But I'm almost 26 years old and I'm MARRIED to the most amazing guy I've ever known.  And he does love me back and he does kiss me.  But I'm still wondering what it will be like when we can actually make love.

Timing

I think it may be time. 

My husband and I have been off birth control for almost 2.5 years now, and have been having unprotected sex for the past 8 months.  Granted, sex has not always been regular or even all that successful, but I would say we've gotten at least a time or two in for each cycle since transitioning in June. 

At my appointment a few weeks ago, the doctor told me that we may have a hard time conceiving because of my irregular periods.  That hit me like a ton of bricks, and then I realized "wow...its been 8 months since we started having successful attempts at sex and I still haven't gotten knocked up."

When I reason through it (realizing that most cycles did not have very much successful sex) I can tell myself not to worry too much about having kids.  However, I also realized that when my husband finishes medical school, I will probably be 32 or 33 years old.  Not the ideal age to be starting a family when TTC is already an issue. 

Yes, we are not preventing pregnancy, but we are not trying either. 

Maybe we should be. 

Its obvious that the waiting till residency option is not going to work for us.  So do we really want to be having our first child in the midst of medical school?  Wouldn't it be better to have the first birth experience be before he starts, so that he can actually be there and experience the fullness of the event.  I'm sure its going to be an extremely emotional experience for him and on top of that, we are going to have to get used to the idea of having a family bigger than just the two of us.  Wouldn't it be better to have those major moments before classes start?

In some ways, we aren't pushing our timeline up by all that much.  We've been used to the idea of starting a family before residency for a while, and I had always imagined starting around the age of 28. If we get pregnant in the coming months, I will be 26 or 27 when I give birth. 

The thing is...its never going to be perfect timing.  And its only going to get harder to conceive as I get older.  Isn't it better to start a little early than wait and find out that its too late?

I wish I could discuss this with my family or someone.  But I don't really have anyone except my husband.  My friends who know about the vagnismus are thinking of kids in a couple years - but not quite yet - and I don't think either one of them will understand how my medical issues have changed my whole life plan.  They won't understand the difference between starting now and starting 2 years from now. 

I can't go to my mom or any other family because none of them know about this vaginismus thing.  So many of them are MDs or DDSs and they all waited till after school and or in the case of MDs, during their residencies. My whole life I've heard about how hard it is to have kids in medical school.  How they don't know why anyone would have kids during school.  I know they will love our child...but I know deep down, they are going to wonder why we started so early. 

But I'm getting ahead of myself.  The point is...it may be difficult - so isn't it better to get started early? 

Thus...I think its time.