Things are looking up

Things are starting to look up again.

My husband made an excel spreadsheet  for me to keep track of migraines.  However, its become pretty obvious that the stress is a major trigger.  I'm working on trying to just stop whatever I am doing or thinking about whenever I catch my headache starting to come on.

The semester is wrapping up and although I am really struggling to write my paper, I am surviving.  I'll get there eventually.

I had meetings with 2 of my professors and it was amazingly encouraging.  As I had thought, it was the orals which had killed me - there was nothing in the writtens which I couldn't have explained away in the orals if I had not frozen.  As much as it sucks that one day put me a year behind - I think its for the best.  I think I've said this before, but its worth reminding myself...if I had passed, I probably wouldn't have taken my health seriously. And I NEED to take care of myself for once.

There were a lot of positives about the meetings and apparently there were some faculty who really wanted to pass me (including one of the most challenging professors in the department). Plus, even the one professor who was most concerned about my brain blank does not think I'm flake.  He just thought I wasn't quite where I need to be in his particular specialty.  I can handle that.  The professor I want to be my advisor actually said that she had no issues with her area of specialty and that I shouldn't even worry about it for the next time.  This is great news since her area of specialty is the area I want to go into.

All and all...I wish I could just fastward to a week from now when this semester is over.  But I'll survive until then.


 

headaches

Today I woke up with a migraine - I still have it now and its killing me.  Honestly I have to deal with a migraine at least once or twice a week.  Most often on my study days - check out that irony.

I don't know if its the stress of studying or something more tangible....diet, exercise, sleep, etc.  So I guess I need to start keeping track of the details.  Today's migraine makes a lot of sense - I have not been sleeping well since I woke up from my nerves on Friday at 5am.  It's going to be hard to tell stress and activity factors since I've been trying to relax and do nothing for a coule days, but the guilt, stress, embaressment, etc. have been eating me alive. 

Known triggars: lack of sleep, not eating enough
Other associations I've observed: stress or adrenalyn rush (often after a performance or a big event, I usually have a very bad migraine when I supposed to be relaxing or celebrating)

So I need to keep a log. Maybe something like this...

Migraine 4/29/13  began around 7 am (still in pain at 12pm)
Today Sleep: 7.5 hours
(fell asleep on the couch for about 45 minutes before actually going to bed, so a little over 8 hours total)
Food today:
         Breakfast: Juice, Bannana, munching on cookies throughout the morning (I already had the headache when I woke up so it was hard to eat).
Activities Today: lay on couch, watched a movie
Stress Level: high
Food yesterday:
           Dinner:chicken tomato basil pasta; a few sips of wine
           Lunch: smoothie, tomato basil soup and a tomato mozzarella panini
           Breakfast:  Donut
Sleep Yesterday: less than 6 hours (woke up at 6 for work)
     **special note: been waking up at 5 for the few days before that...and having trouble getting to sleep   
Activities Yesterday: worked 6:30-8am; cleaned house and tried to rest (slept from 3-4); worked from 4:30-6pm; made dinner; watched movie; fell asleep on couch (perhaps neck in a bad position?)     
Stress level: high          

Learning from My Mistakes

I try to learn from my mistakes. I try to analyze and respond to my experiences in a way which I can better myself.  

But the one thing I can't seem to do...the one thing I just struggle with daily is letting myself rest. 

It doesn't make any sense.  Back in my athletic days, I knew all about the importance of rest days and pacing yourself.  But I guess I've lost that.  

I have been going at 110% for the past four years.  My rests aren't rest...my breaks aren't breaks.  If I go out with friends, I usually feel guilty and have to justify it the whole time I'm out.  I'm constantly thinking about the pressure, and the obligations....and I've finally cracked.

Yesterday, I did not pass my exams.  I...who has always been the top of my class...who has alway impressed my teachers and professors...have let them down.  I choked. When they asked me questions, I could barely create a coherent answer.  Sometimes, I couldn't even understand what they were asking. 

Its not for lack of studying...but its for lack of studying smartly.  How can I possibly study when I'm freaking out in the back of my mind the whole time?  How can I try to retain information if I'm not in good mental health?

And this damn vaginismus.  I mean it...fuckin' vaginismus (ok that's kind of ironic but back to my point...). Besides my husband, two people in this entire world know that I still struggle with this.  And I don't think I've really gone to them since I had my good phase last summer.  

I have this HUGE secret hanging over my head.  And I'm a fricken Pollyanna all the time.  I do have a good life - I think its healthy that I try to focus on the positive.  But I'm burnt out on hiding.  And yet...I still can't tell anyone.  

I've made some decisions... 

1) I'm going to quick my school job. - I'm only going to teach privately, which is more money for less time, and I get to be my own boss.

2) Since I really only have one class left, I'm going to sit in on extra classes...which allows me learn without stressing me out with all the extra assignments.

3) I'm going to start saying "no" - kindly, gently...but I've got to start taking care of me.

4) I also realize my church makes me very unhappy - some of the people are just not very nice.  I've turned down a few church jobs because they take up too much time...but I have one potential option in my future which would allow me to only do one service (but at better pay) in an environment where I will be rejuvinated in my faith instead of frustrated.  I really hope this works out.  If it doesn't...perhaps I'll just stop working where I'm at.  

So ending on a postive.  This failure, in the long run, will probably be a blessing.  Right now it sucks...really really sucks...but a few months or a year from now - it won't matter.  I'll be all the stronger for it.  I didn't have the courage to make these decisions before...but I have to now.  I need to get over how selfish it feels - I'm going to start taking care of ME.

The never ending list...

Frozen.
Paralyzed.
That's how I feel these days. 
My to-do list is so intense, so overwhelming, that it has honestly stopped me in my tracks.  I'm exhausted and I don't know what to do.

I worked my butt off this week, and yet I still haven't prepped for my orals, nor have I done enough background research for my final papers, nor have I memorized my song for my finals.  Back when I was a voice major I had to do like 9 songs a semester, but now I can't even get one done with all my other stuff on my plate. 

I'm going to be perfectly honesty...I don't know how to do this self-care stuff. I feel lazy and unproductive when I try but clearly the constantly working and stress is not productive either.

I wish I had someone who could just say "nope...this is all you are expected and should do."  But the whole self-employed thing...I just keep taking on work and keep taking on work.  Not the best idea when I'm a student. 

I also wonder what it would be like if I had a normal sex life.  If I could experience tension and release.  But instead...I just experience tension....lots and lots of tension...

It's not always about my vagina...

Sometimes, while working on overcoming this darn thing, I forget that there is life beyond overcoming vaginismus.

And on the other side of things, when I get wrapped up in the business of real life, I don't really know to fit tackling vaginismus into the equation.

We've had sex a total of 3  times this month, none of which were particularly easy.  I've been wondering whether this is a success or a failure until today when I realized, "who the hell cares?!"
Outside of vaginismus, the past few weeks have been crazy.  I took a major set of exams for my program, I found out my grandmother (who is 93) is starting to slip away, and I've slowly started to get my post-exam life back together (work, other school assignments, etc.).  My husband is in a very stressful place in work and school and its only going to get more intense until May or June. 

But for our families, for our friends...life goes on.  My husband and I are locked away in the cavern of our stress and studies.  While everyone else, to put it honestly...has a life.

My friend in the peace corps wrote a blog entry about self-care and I realized, maybe there is more to this then I've given credit.  I mean, I've known that its important to take care of one's mental and physical health, but I just didn't know how to fit it in.  I'm either stressed out dealing with work and school or I'm stressed out dealing with my vagina. I'm always feeling guilty for not working on one or the other.  But maybe that's the point about self-care...there isn't really a how - you just have to do it. 

So today, I am going to go water my garden and visit my grandmother.  She remembered who I was when I called, so that's a good sign. And I'm going to take advantage of that.  After work, I'll come home and deal with my vagina.  It'll still be there when I come back, no need to think about it in the meantime.  And tomorrow, I'll spend a set amount of time working on school stuff.  No more, no less. Today, I'm going to stop letting the guilt of having a never-ending to-do list hang over my head.  Today, I'm going to prioritize living.

Studying and Sex

I took a couple weeks off from work.  I can't do it all.  Exams, work, life...
And for these two weeks, I picked exams and a modified version of life.

By modified, I mean...minimal shopping, cleaning, cooking, laundry, etc...limited to what I need to get by.  And what I need to get by is sex. 

All I'm doing these days is studying like crazy and trying not to freak out.  And sex is good for me - I mean, I kind of freakout about sex - but I'm learning to control that freakout.  And if I can control the sex freakout, then why not the exam freakout.  So yesterday I had sex for the first time in many weeks.  And it was a little rough - tight to be more exact.  But it was able to happen.  And that gave me confidence. 

If I can overcome vaginismus (even if I'm still working on getting better at it) than I can pass my exams.  Or at least not totally fail them. :-P

Regardless, I'm using the skills learned from tackling vaginismus to tackle this exam. 
Who would've thought a tight vagina could teach a girl so much...

I hold my tension in my vagina.

I hold my tension in my vagina.

Yep, thats right.  Some people hold it in their neck, their back, their clenched fists...

I hold it in my vagina.

To be fair, I also hold it in my neck and jaw.  For three years I took TMJ problems to a whole new level.  There were times when I couldn't even open my mouth the width of my pinky for over 24 hours.  It was cyclic...you start freaking out about not being able to open your mouth, and then you clench even tighter.

Well, my vagina likes to stress out too. 

You know, its kind of funny.  For many years, I thought I handled stress very well.  People thought - "she always seems to calm and collected."  Well, the reason I wasn't freaking out on the outside, is because my body was doing it for me. 

I'll be honest...I am freaking out now.  This exam, is freaking me the f*** out.  My jaw is tight, my neck and head are feeling the tension and my vagina is literally throbbing with tension.  Literally hurting without me even doing anything.  Thank goodness for all I've overcome, because when I do focus my thoughts I can make the pain stop.  However, its hard to stop the pain and concentrate on studying at the same time.

My blessing, as always, is my husband.  He scoops me up on his lap (even though he has just as much pressure in his life as I do) and holds me against his chest.  And in that moment, all the tension melts away.  Too bad I can't just stay there forever.