As close to perfect as possible...

I've got a really good marriage. I mean, a REALLY good marriage.

I enjoy just being with my husband.  In fact, I've realized that if we are never blessed with children - as hard as it would be - we would still have an awesome life.  Yes, I would feel those pangs (I already do sometimes) but we, as a team, are 100% content the way we are.

We are close friends with an older couple that we have known for 10+ years now.  This couple chose to never have children despite the fact that they love kids (the wife was a school teacher).  When I look at them, I think...that could be us.  And even if we have kids - whom we will love with all of our hearts - our kids will someday grow up and have lives of their own.  And when it is back to the two of us - we are still going to be having adventures and fun.  I have a feeling that we are going to be awesome at being old. haha.

We fight - boy do we fight sometimes.  He's got a temper and I'm super messy when it comes to my car and my clothes.  Its not a good combo. But at the same time...I continually strive not to be a pig (which by the way, is really only limited to clothes and car...I'm pretty organized in other areas of my life) and he continually tries to elongate his fuse.  And when he does snap, he catches himself so quickly that it doesn't even feel like a snap anymore.  Our love is greater than our habits. Our marriage is more important than any of the faults that we see in ourselves and each other.

I  have family members who write all sorts of blog posts and Facebook comments about marriage and young people today.  They talk about our generation has our priorities in the wrong place, and how we should all be focusing on finding a good spouse and having lots of babies. 

They probably think I'm a terrible sinner. Married 4 years, no babies or talk of babies on the way.  I don't just not talk about babies because of being a student - I don't talk about babies because I don't know if I will ever be able to have them.  I mean, I'm still young, I probably will.  I'm still very new to (and not very good at) sex.  But we've also had sex most months with no reservations about fertile periods of my cycle and have yet to get pregnant.  It's been a year. 

In an ideal world, we would not have babies for a couple years - maybe even 5 more years.  And then we wouldn't have any problems conceiving and then have babies all throughout our 30s.  But I don't think its going to be that easy.  And we are happy as a couple, content in our marriage and 100% open to children.  OK...maybe it would be nice to go to Europe first. But even that isn't enough to make me want to start using condoms and risk loosing my most fertile years.

The thing is, we want babies.  But we don't need babies to be happy.  We have each other for that.  My husband is a rock in my life right now.  When I'm dealing with all this anxiety - anxiety which is making even me - a super-optimistic person - feel sad....my husband is my hero.

I'm not pretending everything is perfect anymore - I'm finally past that.

I'm not going to ignore the pain, stress, and anxiety which is actually causing actually physical symptoms in my life.

But I'm not going to lose that faith in the goodness and joy of the world that has always been a major part of who I am. 

I'm going to celebrate that which is as close to perfect as humanly possible - my marriage.
I'm going to fix those things that are bringing me down - vaginismus, anxiety, stress
And I'm going to enjoy the journey along the way. 

Too much unknown

I saw a counselor at school last week.  And I have an appointment with her again tomorrow.

I'm not sure how I feel about this.  I'm trying to be open minded - but at the same time I'm having a hard time seeing how this is going to help.  Not because counseling isn't helpful as a concept...but just because I can't picture it in my life.

Kind of like I can't picture having orgasmic (or even good-feeling) sex.

I'm in my last week of summer school for one of my classes with a long assignment hanging over my head. I only have one more week of the other class

I have a couple gigs lined up this week and next - and then....well, I guess just work on myself and studying.

I'm scared. 

I hate this unknown shit.  I don't know how I'm going to solve these feelings, I don't know how I'm going to solve this exam, I don't even know where I'm going to be living in a year.

I'm so burnt out.  Yoga was helping but its too expensive to keep up. 

Plus I feel guilty for feeling so sad and unhappy.  I mean most of my life is awesome.

So why is it so hard...

Waiting...

I'm in the two week wait. 
Not that we are trying...but we are not not trying either.

And that first successful sex - the first one in months...
Well, I'm pretty sure I was ovulating around that time.

At first I kind of forgot about that little tidbit and didn't even think about the possibility, but I started noticing that my cervical mucus wasn't going away.  Usually I get pretty dry as I get closer to my period. Then yesterday (and a little today) I not only wasn't dry...I also had a good deal of creamy white mucus - something I havent seen before.

I've been tired constantly, having lots of headaches, back pain, gas (and other such things), a little bit of crampy feelings, nauseau and dizziness.

The thing is...these are all things associated with anxiety.  Months ago when I first started getting nauseated and dizzy I though maybe I was pregnant.  But since then, these 2 types of symptoms have become a consistant part of my life. 

The only think that has me a little surprised is the cervical mucus and the combination of all these symptoms.  I've really been trying to easy my anxiety (today I went to the beach for 3 hrs) so it seems wierd that my symptoms would be increasing. At the same time, anxiety attacks are still a HUGE part of my life these days so there's really no knowing.

Although I'm not regular - based on my average cycle length I should get my period by Thursday.  But now that I think about it, I haven't had any spotting.  Usually I have a day or two before I actually start.

hmm...

I could spend money on a test...but the best thing to do is wait a few more days.

Its going to be a long couple of days.

Emptying my Plate

Today is a big day for our little family.  We are submitting an application that we've been preparing for over 5 years now.  Technically its my husband's app, but we are one family and this affects us both (and our future children if we are blessed with any). 

I can't even imagine the weight that is going to be lifted off of our shoulders.
Or how it will feel if he is accepted.

I have a phone consultation with a counselor at my school on thursday and I'm finally going to get the help I need.  I hate saying I need help but I need to get use to admitting it. 

Summer classes end in about 3-4 weeks.

And a major commitment I've had for the past 12 years is no longer on my plate. I have the whole summer off!!! 

July is going to feel so wonderfully empty.

I'm going to study, teach some lessons and sit on the beach.

Hell, I'll probably just study on the beach every day.

My husband and I are going to play on our annual summer softball team with friends

And many of my best friends are actually living near me again.

If all of this doesn't help me recover I don't know what will. 

Onwards and upwards!

Am I living it right?

Over the course of the past year, my husband has continually quoted a John Mayer song to put some perspective back in our lives. He says..."Are we living it right?"

I always used to wondering whether I would regret getting married so early.  Not for the reasons of whether he was the right one or anything like that.  But with marriage comes responsibility to the team that is our family.  I couldn't move across the country or to England to study.  It's difficult enough trying to find the time or the money to simply go fly to Europe to do research.  I have to think about the big picture...I have to think about us.

The truth is that I don't regret a single moment of marriage.  Even if we had waited to get married I still wouldn't have moved away for graduate school.  I love him to much.  My happiest moments are with him.

But I have some lost something as the years have progressed and I finally see that is not adventure or opportunity. It's pleasure.  I have denied myself anything more than the pleasure of being grateful for health, success and love.

Why do I fear pleasure? Why do I deny myself something that is innate to almost every creature on earth.  I'm not just talking about sex.  I'm talking about the ability to truly enjoy my blessings instead of just being grateful.   Thanksgiving is necessary but in and of itself, it is not pleasure.

I have youth, I have love, I have opportunity.  And I am grateful.

But there's so much more to life than that.  It not that I'm too hard on myself, it's that I deny myself a human existence. Pleasure, whether it is going to dinner with friends, sitting on the beach or having sex, is not asking too much.  It is just human.

I feel selfish allowing myself to feel pleasure but I'm actually denying my humanity by refusing it.  And denying humanity isn't good for me or the people around me.

My regrets in the past years have nothing to do with missed opportunities or sacrifices. They have to do with every denials - of doubting that I have the right to pleasure.

So I'm trying.. ..
I had sex twice in the past week. Still learning to be pain free.   I'm learning to breathe. I'll get there.

Someday, I'll be living it right.