Ahoy! Feeling a little sea sick these days...

Well the queasiness has hit. ...and boy, does it suck!

Compared to some, I probably have it pretty mild.  But its like a constant, queasy, just the thought of food makes me want to gag that's getting old really fast. 

There's a part of me that's somewhat grateful - I read in some statistics that women who experience morning sickness are less likely to have a miscarriage by like 70% or some other giant number.  So in that case...knock on wood...I'm grateful.  But its still sucks.

I finally stopped spotting, which means I should be able to get back into the sex thing soon.  However, I think we are going to wait till after my appointment a week from Monday, just to be sure. 

So right now it just feel like a giant waiting game.  Waiting to see the doctor.  Waiting to have sex.  Waiting for the nausea to go away.  But at least these are all healthy, normal signs. 

I guess the vaginismus has prepared me for this in a way - all the patience I've learned in waiting to be able to have pain-free sex.  And then the patience I've been trying to have (not sure if its been all that successful) in waiting for the sex to be AWESOME.  I guess I'm kind of used to waiting. 

And this is definitely something worth waiting for.

I'm having a baby!

I'm having a hard time believing its real.  But I've taken a pregnancy test each morning for the past few days. I even bought the digital ones that specifically say "pregnant" in the screen.

I'm having a baby!

I emailed my doctor on Thursday morning right after I took the first test. Her nurse scheduled my appointment for the first week of August.  I think I'll be a couple days past 7 weeks at that point.  From what I've read online, that's pretty normal.

However, I've had a little bit of brown spotting for about a week now, and even though I read that as long as its not painful and brown, its not anything to worry about...I still find myself very anxious.

Plus I'm alone all weekend because the hubby had to go out of town (planned before we got the news).

I'm planning on emailing my doctor tonight in hopes that she gets the message first thing in the morning tomorrow.  Maybe she'll want to check on me sooner.

I'm just trying to stay very calm and relaxed.  Drinking lots of water and trying not to worry.  I'll feel sooo much better once I hear my little one's heartbeat.  I don't want summer to go too fast...but that little heartbeat will be the perfect way to end the summer. 

Still doesn't feel real...

Not sure what to think these days

So this is either the weirdest PMS I've ever had, or we are going to have the next 9 months to practice sex with no period interruptions (can't complain about that).

No spotting today. I did end up getting a little yesterday, but all old blood. Nothing like a period.
My boobs/nipples are still SUPER sore and I've actually had to wear a bigger bra the past few days. Luckily I still have my old C-cup bras from years ago when I was on birth control and had bigger boobs. The C bras are a tiny bit big, but my normal B-cups kill me with pain and are way too small (kind of a bummer since I just bought the cutest new black bra to help me feel sexy again). My veins are starting to show a little and the bumps around my nipples are a little more pronounced.

I decided to give into my baby-on-the-brain and watched Father of the Bride 2. I started crying from the very beginning when Steve Martin says "9 months ago to be exact". I was weepy the whole film. I've been weepy for a day or two now. My husband has been laughing at me (out of love) - he thinks its super cute.

I think I may give in to temptation and take a dollar store pregnancy test tonight. I can always get more for a dollar and I hear they work pretty well. I was going to wait till Friday (the hubby is going to be out of town this weekend so I don't want to test while he's gone). If I don't have any more bleeding today, I'll take a test.

Oh and I don't know if this is a symptom but I've been SUPER SUPER horny. 2 nights ago I woke up at 3:30 in the morning and almost just tried to have sex then and there. But at the same time, I'm sooooo tired at times and the sleep won over the desire to have sex. Its kind of a bummer I'm having spotting because I really want to try having sex when I actually "crave" it. I can feel attraction, but its rare that I actually feel 100% turned-on and unfortunately, its never lined up with a time when we could actually have sex. Maybe I should have picked sex over sleep the other night...that might have been my chance to start feeling pleasure. O well...maybe next time.

It is actually the real thing this time??

Over the past year, I've had plenty of "am I pregnant?" moments.  Although the likelihood was usually pretty low (since we had only had sex a couple times), I wondered over every symptom.  With my crazy periods and anxiety issues, I had plenty of symptoms. 

And despite my resistance, I am at it again. 

I'm trying to ignore the nausea and the dizziness - that could be caused by the anxiety.
Even the extreme exhaustion could be caused by all the things on my plate. 

But the SORE boobs...now that is unusual.  According to my Fertility Friend chart, my most fertile days were about  10 days ago.  That lines up exactly with when we started having lots of pain-free sex.  Since about 7 days ago, my boobs have been killing me.  Especially my nipples which are REALLY really sore. 

Although the sore nipples are very unusual for me (I don't know if I've ever experienced this before), I sometimes get sore boobs before my period. It is possible that I am going to have an early period.  A couple days ago I had a tiny bit of very faintly pink discharge.  Yesterday I had a little bit of spotting.  Its either my period starting a good week or so early, or I just experienced implantation bleeding.  The current update...no further spotting.

Its weird thinking that this might actually be the cycle.  I've had plenty of false alarms this year, so I tend to think its not going to happen...but there really is no reason to think that it couldn't.

This is going to be an interesting couple of days....

Independence Day

Happy 4th of July folks!

It's always a beautiful thing to celebrate, regardless on individual opinions on the politics of our country and our future, I truly believe that by celebrating this day we all take a moment to conscientiously think about what it is that we value and what we are thankful for.  That act alone is critical for our future.  By thinking of these things we not only improve our future as a country but also the future of our individual lives.

So today I am declaring my independence from Vaginismus.

Today, I refuse to live a life limited by this issue.  I have the RIGHT to the pursuit of happiness.  And that happiness includes pleasure.  In all it's forms.

Now, where's that hubby of mine? It's time to take this battle to the bedroom.  Fighting for my rights with my baby by my side...or beneath me...or on top... :-)

Positive thinking

Big update:
This has been a rollercoaster week but right now I'm feeling the upswing.

#1...we've had sex 3 times in the past few days and its been completely PAIN-FREE. 

I'm still trying to work on that whole pleasure thing, but at least with the pain out of the way I've been able to have fun.  Just the fact that I can practice sex...regardless of whether it "feels good"...is fun. 

#2...I am so proud of my husband for all he has accomplished and will accomplish.  We got a little stressor added to our life this week and started to worry about how that one thing was going to affect future accomplishments.  However, I keep forgetting that my husband is an underrepresented minority with a FANTASTIC life story.  He is passionate, dedicated and has accomplished soo much.  I think all of these factors together will allow the one detail that we are worried about to be seen as an anomaly.  I mean....he really is awesome!