New Year's Resolutions. I've always thought they were a good idea. In fact, I make seasonal resolutions. Summer resolutions (usually related to fitness), Fall resolutions (usually related to school), etc. Spring is the only time that gets a little left out, but I usually get my early summer resolutions in...working in my garden, etc. Sometimes I even make monthly, or weekly resolutions.... whenever life seems to be getting out of hand, I pick a resolution and a start date. It keeps me always trying to be the best "me" I can be.
Needless to say, this vaginismus thing has made an appearance at each of these resolutions for the past 3 1/2 years. As I've discovered more and more about how interconnected my body and mind really are, I've starting including resolutions about my state of mind. The result have been phenomenal ..I've had sex with my husband at least once a month, and sometimes a lot more than that ;-). My severe TMJ has been reduced to a minor irritation on most days, and when I am really stressed out and my jaw locks horribly, I have tricks to reduce the inflammation and tension. I've seen such improvements and I truly am blessed in how far I've come.
2012 has been the best year yet for these improvements - the TMJ, the vaginismus - this is the year I was able to do the impossible. I unlocked my jaw...I unlocked my vagina. This was my year.
So 2013...you've got a lot to live up to. But I've got some resolutions which will help.
#1a) Get in shape - our bodies and our minds are so connected...if 2012 was the year of the mind, than 2013 needs to do the same with the body. I actually did some good work in this area over the summer but lost it in the craziness of school starting back up.
#1b) Get healthy - the migraines, the constant struggle to keep weight on... I know, I know...poor me..but I'm serious. Its frustrating for my clothes to always be too big, and I can't stand it when my family and friends think I'm anorexic or something like that. Even if people can tell its stress related (my mom can tell especially), it still difficult to see them worry.
Point being...Now, is the time to get my body in healthy balance with my mind.
#2) Be kind to myself - I've got guilt up the wazzoo. Not that cliche Catholic guilt that we always joke about), but legitimate beat myself up guilt. Let's call it Graduate Student Guilt...that feeling like there's always so much more I could be doing. And it bleeds into my professional life - I want to give my everything to my students, to my colleagues - but realistically I can't do it all. This past semester, I took a seminar class with a post-doc (just graduated last spring) who told me eight words which changed my life. "You can only do what you can do." I didn't realize this before, but she and all my fellow graduate student friends are actually impressed by all I achieve. For many of them, school is their main/only obligation...they might tutor a student or two on the side...but not the hours or commitments I have hanging over me.
*Part of this second resolution is going to have to be that I cut back. No ifs, ands or buts....I've got a big test this spring for school and I need to put that first. I absolutely LOVE teaching, but my happiest days of the week are when I'm at my graduate school program and when I'm working on my professional endeavors (teaching is professional too...I just mean my non-teaching professional endeavors).
#3) More QUALITY hubby time - I'm so happy when I'm with him, but so much of the time all my obligations eat up my life and I'm too exhausted to be the wife I want to be. In 2013...my husband and I are priority number 1.
#4) Have orgasmic sex. Hey, I gotta fit this one in here somewhere. I'm still working on the no pain, no fear thing...but that doesn't mean that 2013 can't be the year that sex becomes AWESOME.
Alright...out with the old and in with the new. Gonna go to the store to get some food to make dinner and then we are going to celebrate the end of the best year thus far...and the start of one that is going to make 2012 seem pale in comparison. Happy New Year!
Monday, December 31, 2012
Monday, November 26, 2012
A few moments in my head...
Definite success this month.
But also some failure.
I think Vaginismus must be contagious and I passed it on to my husband.
Of course he doesn't have a vagina so he can't REALLY have Vaginismus, but sometimes it's hard for him to stay focused...to want to try. I worry about it hurting...he worries about it hurting me. And it's so sweet, because its not him hurting me at all. It's my own body causing the pain.
But still...so much success. The latest times were even completely pain-free.
So why is it still hard. For him...for me...to get the courage to try again. To keep moving forward.
I have so many papers to write, so many things to do before the end of the semester - I've been putting it all off. Would I be a better student if I didn't have this? Would I be able to focus better,study longer and remember things better? I feel like I was so much better at this school stuff as an undergrad - memorizing, staying focused...I didn't have this distraction. I mean I had plenty of distractions; I've always been the type to over exert myself. But I feel like this is different. It affects me so deeply. It takes so much effort to just face a day. It is exhausting to contemplate whether or not its a good day to "try".
Damn, I sound like such a baby. Here, let me go throw myself a pity party...I'm ashamed that I let the bring me down so much.
We just had Thanksgiving...let me count my blessings. health (no cancer/life threatening illnesses), family, friends, successful work, love....the most beautiful husband in the world.
Why can't I just let this be enough? So many people would give everything to have what I have. Why do I let this wipe me out so completely? Why am I so weak?
Definite success this month.
Fuck the failures. I had sex 5 times.
...makes me feel better when I put it that way.
But also some failure.
I think Vaginismus must be contagious and I passed it on to my husband.
Of course he doesn't have a vagina so he can't REALLY have Vaginismus, but sometimes it's hard for him to stay focused...to want to try. I worry about it hurting...he worries about it hurting me. And it's so sweet, because its not him hurting me at all. It's my own body causing the pain.
But still...so much success. The latest times were even completely pain-free.
So why is it still hard. For him...for me...to get the courage to try again. To keep moving forward.
I have so many papers to write, so many things to do before the end of the semester - I've been putting it all off. Would I be a better student if I didn't have this? Would I be able to focus better,study longer and remember things better? I feel like I was so much better at this school stuff as an undergrad - memorizing, staying focused...I didn't have this distraction. I mean I had plenty of distractions; I've always been the type to over exert myself. But I feel like this is different. It affects me so deeply. It takes so much effort to just face a day. It is exhausting to contemplate whether or not its a good day to "try".
Damn, I sound like such a baby. Here, let me go throw myself a pity party...I'm ashamed that I let the bring me down so much.
We just had Thanksgiving...let me count my blessings. health (no cancer/life threatening illnesses), family, friends, successful work, love....the most beautiful husband in the world.
Why can't I just let this be enough? So many people would give everything to have what I have. Why do I let this wipe me out so completely? Why am I so weak?
Definite success this month.
Fuck the failures. I had sex 5 times.
...makes me feel better when I put it that way.
Friday, November 9, 2012
"I would wait forever for you"
I updated on the forum this morning, which I've copied and pasted below:
Success this morning! Not completely pain free but only a little burning/tightness. It's been so long because of UTIs and awkward early/super long periods, that it was great to have him inside of me. I just looked at him and told myself "look how much your husband loves you" and then my PC muscles relaxed and he was able to go inside. Again not perfect, but its amazing what a little positive thinking will do. Then as we were laying there my husband says "I would wait forever for you." I almost cried right there...that was probably the sweetest thing he could have ever said in that moment - and I know the next time we try, that beautiful thought will be running through my head. I love my husband!
I am so blessed in my husband and I am going all out today. I actually have the day off so I've been able to do the laundry, and run some errands. I'm going to clean the kitchen and straighten up the apartment, as well. Then I am going take care of some girly business - do my hair, put on some make-up and underneath it all...some sexy lingerie. Oh and I just got some super cute Carlos Santana boots which I'm going to wear out tonight. We're not going anywhere wild and I won't necessarily be dressed up "sexy" on the outside. But I am wearing one of those shirts with those "easy access" buttons. If I give him a sneak peak of whats underneath he won't be able to stand it all night. When we get back home...I'm planning on another success story. :-)
Wish me luck!
Success this morning! Not completely pain free but only a little burning/tightness. It's been so long because of UTIs and awkward early/super long periods, that it was great to have him inside of me. I just looked at him and told myself "look how much your husband loves you" and then my PC muscles relaxed and he was able to go inside. Again not perfect, but its amazing what a little positive thinking will do. Then as we were laying there my husband says "I would wait forever for you." I almost cried right there...that was probably the sweetest thing he could have ever said in that moment - and I know the next time we try, that beautiful thought will be running through my head. I love my husband!
I am so blessed in my husband and I am going all out today. I actually have the day off so I've been able to do the laundry, and run some errands. I'm going to clean the kitchen and straighten up the apartment, as well. Then I am going take care of some girly business - do my hair, put on some make-up and underneath it all...some sexy lingerie. Oh and I just got some super cute Carlos Santana boots which I'm going to wear out tonight. We're not going anywhere wild and I won't necessarily be dressed up "sexy" on the outside. But I am wearing one of those shirts with those "easy access" buttons. If I give him a sneak peak of whats underneath he won't be able to stand it all night. When we get back home...I'm planning on another success story. :-)
Wish me luck!
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
"She feels like kicking out all the windows and setting fire to this life..."
Today I almost lost it in the way home. A song came on the radio - I don't even remember what song- but it was something that stirred up memories of a time long before I ever knew a vagina could be broken. It took me back to the days when I dreamed about a far off future with my husband, back when I first realized I was in love with him. Back then, sex seemed very far away....I just wanted to hug him, to touch him, to feel his hand brush mine. Back then, just the thought of a kiss seemed like a far off fantasy.
You see, my husband and I fell in love very slowly, over years and years of friendship. When we were 15, I had no intention of falling in love with him. I did, however, know that I would spend the rest of my life with him....I just thought it would be more like Gwen Stefani's relationship with her band-mates in No Doubt. I thought that no matter who we dated...there would be no one more important to us than each other. I guess I was right about that part. When it finally hit me that I was absolutely head-over-heels in love with him, we were seniors in high school and I was not ready to rush into anything. My future with my husband was a far off dream and I was totally OK with that. I was happy just to dream about our future and to watch it play out slowly over time.
So for a moment, I was back to that 18-year-old-version of myself. With only hope and excitement for what the future had in store for us. And then another moment later...I crashed into reality. A reality in which I am married to the man of my dreams - more sexy than Jon Bon Jovi, more adorable than Gilbert from the Anne of Green Gables books, more admirable and refined than Mr. Darcy - and yet I cannot take part in that ultimate act of love.
The wave of reality crashed over me with full force...and I let it. I put on Dave Matthew's "Grey Street" and just let the tears pour out of me. I did not even try to hold it back (well, except in the sense that I did not want to get into a car accident). I wanted to quit everything in my life and run away with my husband to one of those magic-couples-therapy islands you see in the movies. I wanted to give up everything that I've worked so hard to achieve. I wanted to let down the whole image I've built up, hiding the hurt and worry I experience inside.
....and then I drove into the parking lot, walked to my apartment, put the "Trick-or-Treaters Welcome" sign on my door, and welcomed each adorable kid with a big smile and a cauldron full of candy. I don't know if this makes me strong or weak. I don't want to drop everything and run away to some mysterious-probably-doesn't-exist therapy center. I don't want anyone to know. I just want to make love to my husband and get back to living the dream that Vaginismus keeps making me forget that I'm living.
"Grey Street"
Dave Matthew's Band
You see, my husband and I fell in love very slowly, over years and years of friendship. When we were 15, I had no intention of falling in love with him. I did, however, know that I would spend the rest of my life with him....I just thought it would be more like Gwen Stefani's relationship with her band-mates in No Doubt. I thought that no matter who we dated...there would be no one more important to us than each other. I guess I was right about that part. When it finally hit me that I was absolutely head-over-heels in love with him, we were seniors in high school and I was not ready to rush into anything. My future with my husband was a far off dream and I was totally OK with that. I was happy just to dream about our future and to watch it play out slowly over time.
So for a moment, I was back to that 18-year-old-version of myself. With only hope and excitement for what the future had in store for us. And then another moment later...I crashed into reality. A reality in which I am married to the man of my dreams - more sexy than Jon Bon Jovi, more adorable than Gilbert from the Anne of Green Gables books, more admirable and refined than Mr. Darcy - and yet I cannot take part in that ultimate act of love.
The wave of reality crashed over me with full force...and I let it. I put on Dave Matthew's "Grey Street" and just let the tears pour out of me. I did not even try to hold it back (well, except in the sense that I did not want to get into a car accident). I wanted to quit everything in my life and run away with my husband to one of those magic-couples-therapy islands you see in the movies. I wanted to give up everything that I've worked so hard to achieve. I wanted to let down the whole image I've built up, hiding the hurt and worry I experience inside.
....and then I drove into the parking lot, walked to my apartment, put the "Trick-or-Treaters Welcome" sign on my door, and welcomed each adorable kid with a big smile and a cauldron full of candy. I don't know if this makes me strong or weak. I don't want to drop everything and run away to some mysterious-probably-doesn't-exist therapy center. I don't want anyone to know. I just want to make love to my husband and get back to living the dream that Vaginismus keeps making me forget that I'm living.
"Grey Street"
Dave Matthew's Band
Oh look at how she listens
She says nothing of what she thinks
She just goes stumbling through her memories
Staring out on to Grey Street
She thinks, “Hey,
How did I come to this?
I dream myself a thousand times around the world,
But I can’t get out of this place”
There’s an emptiness inside her
And she’d do anything to fill it in
But all the colors mix together - to grey
And it breaks her heart
How she wishes it was different
She prays to God most every night
And though she swears it doesn’t listen
There’s still a hope in her it might
She says, “I pray
But they fall on deaf ears,
Am I supposed to take it on myself?
To get out of this place”
There’s loneliness inside her
And she’d do anything to fill it in
And though it’s red blood bleeding from her now
It feels like cold blue ice in her heart
When all the colors mix together - to grey
And it breaks her heart
There’s a stranger speaks outside her door
Says take what you can from your dreams
Make them as real as anything
It’d take the work out of the courage
But she says, “Please
There’s a crazy man that’s creeping outside my door,
I live on the corner of Grey Street and the end of the world”
There’s an emptiness inside her
And she’d do anything to fill it in
And though it’s red blood bleeding from her now
It’s more like cold blue ice in her heart
She feels like kicking out all the windows
And setting fire to this life
She could change everything about her using colors bold and bright
But all the colors mix together - to grey
And it breaks her heart
It breaks her heart
To grey
She says nothing of what she thinks
She just goes stumbling through her memories
Staring out on to Grey Street
She thinks, “Hey,
How did I come to this?
I dream myself a thousand times around the world,
But I can’t get out of this place”
There’s an emptiness inside her
And she’d do anything to fill it in
But all the colors mix together - to grey
And it breaks her heart
How she wishes it was different
She prays to God most every night
And though she swears it doesn’t listen
There’s still a hope in her it might
She says, “I pray
But they fall on deaf ears,
Am I supposed to take it on myself?
To get out of this place”
There’s loneliness inside her
And she’d do anything to fill it in
And though it’s red blood bleeding from her now
It feels like cold blue ice in her heart
When all the colors mix together - to grey
And it breaks her heart
There’s a stranger speaks outside her door
Says take what you can from your dreams
Make them as real as anything
It’d take the work out of the courage
But she says, “Please
There’s a crazy man that’s creeping outside my door,
I live on the corner of Grey Street and the end of the world”
There’s an emptiness inside her
And she’d do anything to fill it in
And though it’s red blood bleeding from her now
It’s more like cold blue ice in her heart
She feels like kicking out all the windows
And setting fire to this life
She could change everything about her using colors bold and bright
But all the colors mix together - to grey
And it breaks her heart
It breaks her heart
To grey
Friday, October 26, 2012
Am I really too tired?
Why is it so hard to try?
It's Friday, husband and I are both home....but we both say we are too tired?
Are we really?
I mean, this was a rough week, work-wise, but was it so hard that we can't prioritize beating this thing? I'm over whelmed, stressed, tired, and losing hope. I made it to a major success point -we can have sex! - and yet it is so unfulfilling, there is so little reward, that it takes so much effort just to want to try. I go on the forum and everyone is working so hard. Everyone is fighting this thing...and I'm just hanging out with my beautiful, wonderful, supportive, loving "roommate"
Something's gotta change. I need to change.
It's Friday, husband and I are both home....but we both say we are too tired?
Are we really?
I mean, this was a rough week, work-wise, but was it so hard that we can't prioritize beating this thing? I'm over whelmed, stressed, tired, and losing hope. I made it to a major success point -we can have sex! - and yet it is so unfulfilling, there is so little reward, that it takes so much effort just to want to try. I go on the forum and everyone is working so hard. Everyone is fighting this thing...and I'm just hanging out with my beautiful, wonderful, supportive, loving "roommate"
Something's gotta change. I need to change.
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Love in Marriage
I love my husband. I mean, I really head-over-heels, crazy-passionately, no-doubt-in-my-mind LOVE my husband.
I've loved him ever since we got past that "ewww-he-has-the-biggest-cooties-in-the-class" phase of life. I loved him as a friend, I loved him as my best friend, I loved him as my boyfriend, I loved him as my fiancé and I love him as my husband. Every single day I love him more and more. Even the days when we fight. Even on the days when I'm disappointed in the words he used or the volume of those words. Even more so when he takes me in his arms, looks me in the eyes, and tells me that he's sorry. He comes from a family of yellers, who love and fight passionately. But when he tells me he wants to be different because he knows that loud communication doesn't work for me, and in fact really hurts me, I believe him. You know why? Because he doesn't just say it...he acts upon it. If I could make a graph of all the time he's yelled since we got married, it would reveal a drastic change between then and now. Sure, he still slips into it (especially when he's really stressed out) but those times are becoming more and more spaced apart. He is trying and succeeding for me. Because he LOVES me. He tells me it's because I somehow taught him to be a better man, but I know the truth...he always was an amazing man, he just loves me enough to shed the bad habits that would sometimes hide his goodness. And he's succeeding a hell of a lot better than I am at shedding my bad habits (don't look in my closet. I put away my clothes like a 9-year old girl - and no matter how hard I try to focus, I can't even come close to being half as good of a listener as he is).
So what about this broken vagina...
I work at this is because I love him. I still can't imagine great sex and as much as I want to experience "le petit mort" I can't motivate myself to work hard. Love is the only motivator strong enough for this.
This weekend we hung out with some friends who are going through a rough patch in their marriage. They are not sure if they were ever in-love to begin with. And I can't even imagine what that is like. I think they are going to be alright. They are fighters and I think that deep down they do love each other...it's just hidden under all the more obvious facts of why they got married (good solid, logical, reasons). And I think that they'll find that the inner voice that told them they were meant to be together is the same inner voice that will tell them that the love each other.
But still... I am so blessed. I may not be able to show my love through the great act of passion, but I have always made love to my husband in every other moment. Even on the roughest days, and the darkest moments (and believe me, you don't survive 3 years of a broken vagina without feeling plenty of those moments), I have never once -even for a second- doubted that our love was anything but perfect.
I've loved him ever since we got past that "ewww-he-has-the-biggest-cooties-in-the-class" phase of life. I loved him as a friend, I loved him as my best friend, I loved him as my boyfriend, I loved him as my fiancé and I love him as my husband. Every single day I love him more and more. Even the days when we fight. Even on the days when I'm disappointed in the words he used or the volume of those words. Even more so when he takes me in his arms, looks me in the eyes, and tells me that he's sorry. He comes from a family of yellers, who love and fight passionately. But when he tells me he wants to be different because he knows that loud communication doesn't work for me, and in fact really hurts me, I believe him. You know why? Because he doesn't just say it...he acts upon it. If I could make a graph of all the time he's yelled since we got married, it would reveal a drastic change between then and now. Sure, he still slips into it (especially when he's really stressed out) but those times are becoming more and more spaced apart. He is trying and succeeding for me. Because he LOVES me. He tells me it's because I somehow taught him to be a better man, but I know the truth...he always was an amazing man, he just loves me enough to shed the bad habits that would sometimes hide his goodness. And he's succeeding a hell of a lot better than I am at shedding my bad habits (don't look in my closet. I put away my clothes like a 9-year old girl - and no matter how hard I try to focus, I can't even come close to being half as good of a listener as he is).
So what about this broken vagina...
I work at this is because I love him. I still can't imagine great sex and as much as I want to experience "le petit mort" I can't motivate myself to work hard. Love is the only motivator strong enough for this.
This weekend we hung out with some friends who are going through a rough patch in their marriage. They are not sure if they were ever in-love to begin with. And I can't even imagine what that is like. I think they are going to be alright. They are fighters and I think that deep down they do love each other...it's just hidden under all the more obvious facts of why they got married (good solid, logical, reasons). And I think that they'll find that the inner voice that told them they were meant to be together is the same inner voice that will tell them that the love each other.
But still... I am so blessed. I may not be able to show my love through the great act of passion, but I have always made love to my husband in every other moment. Even on the roughest days, and the darkest moments (and believe me, you don't survive 3 years of a broken vagina without feeling plenty of those moments), I have never once -even for a second- doubted that our love was anything but perfect.
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
I didn't even want to try...
Last night, after a VERY long day, I came home to my loving husband and we cuddled on the couch to watch the Office. When we headed to bed, he tried to get things going, but I just didn't have the energy to focus as much as it takes to be successful. It was a long day but I think it was more than that...I'm going through one of those weak moments. I'm hoping by admitting it, I won't make excuses, but rather kick myself in the butt. I just feel too tired to try anymore.
I felt so energized back in June, but now I'm back to lacking faith that things will ever get beyond this. A couple nights ago, my husband gave me a pep talk, saying how I've already achieved things I thought were impossible. Two of my greatest fears were that 1) I would never be able to "please" my husband in that way, and 2) that I would never be able to have kids (can't have babies, if you can't have sex). And he's right, I have overcome those (well, I can't know for sure that I can have kids, since I'm not pregnant...but overcoming fear #1 means that fear #2 is basically gone). I am happy for those things...its just that I imagined that fixing those things would make every thing better, and they haven't.
I just feel so tired by the lack of reward. I know that overcoming those issues should be a reward in and of itself....but I want to feel something that makes me know its going to be worth all the struggles to get there.
Maybe tonight will be better...
I felt so energized back in June, but now I'm back to lacking faith that things will ever get beyond this. A couple nights ago, my husband gave me a pep talk, saying how I've already achieved things I thought were impossible. Two of my greatest fears were that 1) I would never be able to "please" my husband in that way, and 2) that I would never be able to have kids (can't have babies, if you can't have sex). And he's right, I have overcome those (well, I can't know for sure that I can have kids, since I'm not pregnant...but overcoming fear #1 means that fear #2 is basically gone). I am happy for those things...its just that I imagined that fixing those things would make every thing better, and they haven't.
I just feel so tired by the lack of reward. I know that overcoming those issues should be a reward in and of itself....but I want to feel something that makes me know its going to be worth all the struggles to get there.
Maybe tonight will be better...
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