Last night, after a VERY long day, I came home to my loving husband and we cuddled on the couch to watch the Office. When we headed to bed, he tried to get things going, but I just didn't have the energy to focus as much as it takes to be successful. It was a long day but I think it was more than that...I'm going through one of those weak moments. I'm hoping by admitting it, I won't make excuses, but rather kick myself in the butt. I just feel too tired to try anymore.
I felt so energized back in June, but now I'm back to lacking faith that things will ever get beyond this. A couple nights ago, my husband gave me a pep talk, saying how I've already achieved things I thought were impossible. Two of my greatest fears were that 1) I would never be able to "please" my husband in that way, and 2) that I would never be able to have kids (can't have babies, if you can't have sex). And he's right, I have overcome those (well, I can't know for sure that I can have kids, since I'm not pregnant...but overcoming fear #1 means that fear #2 is basically gone). I am happy for those things...its just that I imagined that fixing those things would make every thing better, and they haven't.
I just feel so tired by the lack of reward. I know that overcoming those issues should be a reward in and of itself....but I want to feel something that makes me know its going to be worth all the struggles to get there.
Maybe tonight will be better...
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