Waiting...

I'm in the two week wait. 
Not that we are trying...but we are not not trying either.

And that first successful sex - the first one in months...
Well, I'm pretty sure I was ovulating around that time.

At first I kind of forgot about that little tidbit and didn't even think about the possibility, but I started noticing that my cervical mucus wasn't going away.  Usually I get pretty dry as I get closer to my period. Then yesterday (and a little today) I not only wasn't dry...I also had a good deal of creamy white mucus - something I havent seen before.

I've been tired constantly, having lots of headaches, back pain, gas (and other such things), a little bit of crampy feelings, nauseau and dizziness.

The thing is...these are all things associated with anxiety.  Months ago when I first started getting nauseated and dizzy I though maybe I was pregnant.  But since then, these 2 types of symptoms have become a consistant part of my life. 

The only think that has me a little surprised is the cervical mucus and the combination of all these symptoms.  I've really been trying to easy my anxiety (today I went to the beach for 3 hrs) so it seems wierd that my symptoms would be increasing. At the same time, anxiety attacks are still a HUGE part of my life these days so there's really no knowing.

Although I'm not regular - based on my average cycle length I should get my period by Thursday.  But now that I think about it, I haven't had any spotting.  Usually I have a day or two before I actually start.

hmm...

I could spend money on a test...but the best thing to do is wait a few more days.

Its going to be a long couple of days.

Emptying my Plate

Today is a big day for our little family.  We are submitting an application that we've been preparing for over 5 years now.  Technically its my husband's app, but we are one family and this affects us both (and our future children if we are blessed with any). 

I can't even imagine the weight that is going to be lifted off of our shoulders.
Or how it will feel if he is accepted.

I have a phone consultation with a counselor at my school on thursday and I'm finally going to get the help I need.  I hate saying I need help but I need to get use to admitting it. 

Summer classes end in about 3-4 weeks.

And a major commitment I've had for the past 12 years is no longer on my plate. I have the whole summer off!!! 

July is going to feel so wonderfully empty.

I'm going to study, teach some lessons and sit on the beach.

Hell, I'll probably just study on the beach every day.

My husband and I are going to play on our annual summer softball team with friends

And many of my best friends are actually living near me again.

If all of this doesn't help me recover I don't know what will. 

Onwards and upwards!

Am I living it right?

Over the course of the past year, my husband has continually quoted a John Mayer song to put some perspective back in our lives. He says..."Are we living it right?"

I always used to wondering whether I would regret getting married so early.  Not for the reasons of whether he was the right one or anything like that.  But with marriage comes responsibility to the team that is our family.  I couldn't move across the country or to England to study.  It's difficult enough trying to find the time or the money to simply go fly to Europe to do research.  I have to think about the big picture...I have to think about us.

The truth is that I don't regret a single moment of marriage.  Even if we had waited to get married I still wouldn't have moved away for graduate school.  I love him to much.  My happiest moments are with him.

But I have some lost something as the years have progressed and I finally see that is not adventure or opportunity. It's pleasure.  I have denied myself anything more than the pleasure of being grateful for health, success and love.

Why do I fear pleasure? Why do I deny myself something that is innate to almost every creature on earth.  I'm not just talking about sex.  I'm talking about the ability to truly enjoy my blessings instead of just being grateful.   Thanksgiving is necessary but in and of itself, it is not pleasure.

I have youth, I have love, I have opportunity.  And I am grateful.

But there's so much more to life than that.  It not that I'm too hard on myself, it's that I deny myself a human existence. Pleasure, whether it is going to dinner with friends, sitting on the beach or having sex, is not asking too much.  It is just human.

I feel selfish allowing myself to feel pleasure but I'm actually denying my humanity by refusing it.  And denying humanity isn't good for me or the people around me.

My regrets in the past years have nothing to do with missed opportunities or sacrifices. They have to do with every denials - of doubting that I have the right to pleasure.

So I'm trying.. ..
I had sex twice in the past week. Still learning to be pain free.   I'm learning to breathe. I'll get there.

Someday, I'll be living it right.

Keep Calm and Carry On

A year ago, things were finally starting to look up.  Truthfully up...not just me being positive on the surface.  I was making lots of progress on overcoming Vaginismus and I was feeling the effects in all areas of life.

But something happened along the way and I'm not sure what did it. 

As most things are, I'm sure it was a combination of factors.  The stress of exams, the stress of work (in the fall I ended up working a full time job in addition to being a full time student with many part-time jobs)...things were getting rough for the hubby too but we just kept on chugging.

Its ironic that the "Keep Calm and Carry On" phrase is getting so much use these days.  I've always been that type of person, but man this was the king of all "keep calm and carry on"-years. 

I am happy.  I really am.  I constantly look for the good in my life and I am sincerely grateful for all the good. And there is so much good...

But all of these blessings don't seem to be enough to allow me to keep the pace I used to keep...To keep the strength and privacy I used to keep...To not let my inner struggles affect my outer life. 

And so this year I fell.  Peaks and valleys..but an overall decline...

[I took out all the details of my life - it felt just a little to exact.  Summary version: I didn't get a job I applied for but the guy they hired is smart and wonderfully kind (even though I was a better fit for the position - I really like this new guy).  Furthermore, the boss would have made my life miserabl and I'm so much better off without the job AND I've had way better opportunities since then.  My school job has been incredibly stressful this year but the future looks very positive.  I failed my test due to all the stress but now I'm finally getting the help I need for my health.  And finally (which unfortunately there is not a good side to)...my grandfather has been diagnosed with terminal cantor.  And my 93 year old grandmother is getting terrible dementia.]


As you can see...it sometimes feel like a big downhill fall with little peaks of happiness along the way.  But honestly I know I will come out stronger for it all.  I don't regret any of it.  And as for my grandpa... well, I'm keeping the faith that it'll be better than we originally thought.

In the meantime, I'm learning to care for myself and I'm learning to be patient with myself.  I'm taking a slower approach to the vaginismus treatment this time around, because I'm dealing with added trials. 

No more "Keep calm and carry on" - this time it is "slow and steady."

When it rains, it pours....

It's been a rough weekend. I had to work a lot which made everything more stressful.

1) This Sunday was my husband and my last Sunday at the church where we grew up. We are moving on to bigger and better things...in a place that we believe will rejuvenate our souls... But it's still sad to say goodbye.

2) My husband had to reschedule a very big event in his life. We were hoping to be passed it, but alas it was not meant to be. He's been very bummed to still have it hanging over his head.

3) My grandfather went into the hospital on Friday. He's doing better now (in the short term) but things aren't looking good for him. I'm not ready to say goodbye. My grandpa is an AMAZING man. So brilliant but so silly and fun. I love him so much.

This is gonna be a rough week.

I don't know where this came from, but I'm gonna go with it.

I'm researching, writing, and perhaps even being a little bit insightful.

And I have no migraine.

I don't know what happened, but I cancelled everything for the next two days, took off most of this afternoon/evening and for the first time in months, I am having FUN doing research again. 

I usually have fun in the final phase of writing, but I've been so caught up in exams lately that I haven't had any time to enjoy true musicology research.  And to top things off, this exam got me so far behind in my research for this paper, I was just struggling to get something down on paper so I don't have to take an incomplete. 

But suddenly, I read something which I thought was a bit extreme, and then I went...wait a minute, I won't go so far as to say that, but that doesn't mean I should throw out the whole concept.  It triggered a snowball of thoughts and ta-da! I'm writing a paper. 

The emphasis has shifted a bit from my original thought, but as of right now, it feels great so I'm stickign with it.  I can always go back and change it to something boreing tomorrow. :-)

I thin I need to get some rest now, but I wrote a whole outline of the new train of thought and I'm pumped to get up tomorrow and write!

Hopefully this idea is as good tomorrow as it feels now - I would LOVE the opportunity to impress this professor. 

And they keep looking up...

So this is what its like to get home at a normal hour...

It's kind of nice.  If it weren't for the clouds, the sun would still be out...I have some quiet time to myself before having to worry about dinner and life (or in today's case, my paper). 

I met with my principal today. She was amazing.  I started to tear up a little as I told her I may not be able to teach next year.  And she basically told me I could do WHATEVER I wanted.  So if I need to end the year early...no problem. If I want to teach every other week next year...no problem.  If I want to bring in a different teacher and split up grades or teach different topics...no problem.  If I need to leave completely...they would miss me but she would not pressure me to stay.  Basically, I get to create my own schedule and amount of devotion for next year, without feeling like I need to give up everything I've worked for.  I can bring someone in for a year with me as the advisor/mentor.  It's unbelievable how she will bend over backwards for me.  I truly am blessed.

So now, a little snack and then I'll start back on my paper.

Life is starting to get back to good again.