Once a month, I fall into a self-doubting backslide. And because Mother Nature has granted me such long periods (2-3 weeks), I have plenty of time to question all the advancements I've ever made.
Will I be able to have sex in a few weeks?
Will it hurt?
Will I be able to more forward or will it be a struggle just to not have pain?
Will I ever get to the point where I can enjoy sex?
Is this my fault?
Am I forever broken?
Why did this have to happen to me?
Why can't I just make love to my husband?
Why can't I feel anything good?
Will I ever orgasm? ...Do orgasms actually exist or is it just a cruel joke the whole world is playing on me?
It's as if the pain of being on my period is not enough. I have to wonder whether every day without sex is one more day of forgetting how to do everything I've learned.
I love my husband so much. He is my everything - my entire world.
Will the day ever come when I can truly enjoy this love without an asterick?
Sometimes I still feel like I'm 15...I have this huge crush on the most amazing guy and I can't stop thinking about what it would be like to have him like me back...to have him kiss me.
But I'm almost 26 years old and I'm MARRIED to the most amazing guy I've ever known. And he does love me back and he does kiss me. But I'm still wondering what it will be like when we can actually make love.
Thursday, February 7, 2013
Saturday, February 2, 2013
Timing
I think it may be time.
My husband and I have been off birth control for almost 2.5 years now, and have been having unprotected sex for the past 8 months. Granted, sex has not always been regular or even all that successful, but I would say we've gotten at least a time or two in for each cycle since transitioning in June.
At my appointment a few weeks ago, the doctor told me that we may have a hard time conceiving because of my irregular periods. That hit me like a ton of bricks, and then I realized "wow...its been 8 months since we started having successful attempts at sex and I still haven't gotten knocked up."
When I reason through it (realizing that most cycles did not have very much successful sex) I can tell myself not to worry too much about having kids. However, I also realized that when my husband finishes medical school, I will probably be 32 or 33 years old. Not the ideal age to be starting a family when TTC is already an issue.
Yes, we are not preventing pregnancy, but we are not trying either.
Maybe we should be.
Its obvious that the waiting till residency option is not going to work for us. So do we really want to be having our first child in the midst of medical school? Wouldn't it be better to have the first birth experience be before he starts, so that he can actually be there and experience the fullness of the event. I'm sure its going to be an extremely emotional experience for him and on top of that, we are going to have to get used to the idea of having a family bigger than just the two of us. Wouldn't it be better to have those major moments before classes start?
In some ways, we aren't pushing our timeline up by all that much. We've been used to the idea of starting a family before residency for a while, and I had always imagined starting around the age of 28. If we get pregnant in the coming months, I will be 26 or 27 when I give birth.
The thing is...its never going to be perfect timing. And its only going to get harder to conceive as I get older. Isn't it better to start a little early than wait and find out that its too late?
I wish I could discuss this with my family or someone. But I don't really have anyone except my husband. My friends who know about the vagnismus are thinking of kids in a couple years - but not quite yet - and I don't think either one of them will understand how my medical issues have changed my whole life plan. They won't understand the difference between starting now and starting 2 years from now.
I can't go to my mom or any other family because none of them know about this vaginismus thing. So many of them are MDs or DDSs and they all waited till after school and or in the case of MDs, during their residencies. My whole life I've heard about how hard it is to have kids in medical school. How they don't know why anyone would have kids during school. I know they will love our child...but I know deep down, they are going to wonder why we started so early.
But I'm getting ahead of myself. The point is...it may be difficult - so isn't it better to get started early?
Thus...I think its time.
My husband and I have been off birth control for almost 2.5 years now, and have been having unprotected sex for the past 8 months. Granted, sex has not always been regular or even all that successful, but I would say we've gotten at least a time or two in for each cycle since transitioning in June.
At my appointment a few weeks ago, the doctor told me that we may have a hard time conceiving because of my irregular periods. That hit me like a ton of bricks, and then I realized "wow...its been 8 months since we started having successful attempts at sex and I still haven't gotten knocked up."
When I reason through it (realizing that most cycles did not have very much successful sex) I can tell myself not to worry too much about having kids. However, I also realized that when my husband finishes medical school, I will probably be 32 or 33 years old. Not the ideal age to be starting a family when TTC is already an issue.
Yes, we are not preventing pregnancy, but we are not trying either.
Maybe we should be.
Its obvious that the waiting till residency option is not going to work for us. So do we really want to be having our first child in the midst of medical school? Wouldn't it be better to have the first birth experience be before he starts, so that he can actually be there and experience the fullness of the event. I'm sure its going to be an extremely emotional experience for him and on top of that, we are going to have to get used to the idea of having a family bigger than just the two of us. Wouldn't it be better to have those major moments before classes start?
In some ways, we aren't pushing our timeline up by all that much. We've been used to the idea of starting a family before residency for a while, and I had always imagined starting around the age of 28. If we get pregnant in the coming months, I will be 26 or 27 when I give birth.
The thing is...its never going to be perfect timing. And its only going to get harder to conceive as I get older. Isn't it better to start a little early than wait and find out that its too late?
I wish I could discuss this with my family or someone. But I don't really have anyone except my husband. My friends who know about the vagnismus are thinking of kids in a couple years - but not quite yet - and I don't think either one of them will understand how my medical issues have changed my whole life plan. They won't understand the difference between starting now and starting 2 years from now.
I can't go to my mom or any other family because none of them know about this vaginismus thing. So many of them are MDs or DDSs and they all waited till after school and or in the case of MDs, during their residencies. My whole life I've heard about how hard it is to have kids in medical school. How they don't know why anyone would have kids during school. I know they will love our child...but I know deep down, they are going to wonder why we started so early.
But I'm getting ahead of myself. The point is...it may be difficult - so isn't it better to get started early?
Thus...I think its time.
Monday, January 28, 2013
A week ago I came down with a cold and it is really putting the breaks on practicing sex.
We've had a little fun but I'm too tired and snotty to last very long.
Worst of all, I've been feeling nauseaus, especially this morning. It was so bad this morning that I walked into the bathroom in case I needed to throw up. The nausea a few days ago I just assumed was because of the cold and all the gunk draining into my tummy (gross, I know). But now its got me wondering... The nausea usually goes away as the cold progresses, not gets worse. I'm not going to be paranoid.
I also have not started my period and its been 31 days. For the past few months I've been thinking I have super irregular periods...and then, after really sitting down with my calendar, I realized that they are always (at least since September) 30 or 31 days - the irregular part is just how long they last which is sometimes 2-3 weeks. Yuck!
So we shall see....
Honestly, I just want to be healthy and able to get more practice in. We were having such a good run, I'm afraid that too much time off is going to make things difficult next time we try. I need the rest tonight but I kind of want to practice...just to ease my fears.
I guess I'll just have to keep on keeping on!
We've had a little fun but I'm too tired and snotty to last very long.
Worst of all, I've been feeling nauseaus, especially this morning. It was so bad this morning that I walked into the bathroom in case I needed to throw up. The nausea a few days ago I just assumed was because of the cold and all the gunk draining into my tummy (gross, I know). But now its got me wondering... The nausea usually goes away as the cold progresses, not gets worse. I'm not going to be paranoid.
I also have not started my period and its been 31 days. For the past few months I've been thinking I have super irregular periods...and then, after really sitting down with my calendar, I realized that they are always (at least since September) 30 or 31 days - the irregular part is just how long they last which is sometimes 2-3 weeks. Yuck!
So we shall see....
Honestly, I just want to be healthy and able to get more practice in. We were having such a good run, I'm afraid that too much time off is going to make things difficult next time we try. I need the rest tonight but I kind of want to practice...just to ease my fears.
I guess I'll just have to keep on keeping on!
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Today's Epiphany
So I had a bit of an epiphany today...I think I am one of those women who gets pelvic spasms throughout the day. As I was driving today, I tried doing some kegal exercises and I realized that I was very tight. Then while sitting on the couch studying, I realized that I was clenching "down there" for no reason. We aren't trying to have sex right now...my husband isn't even in the room. I'd really love for some medical researchers to do more looking into this problem. There seems to be so much involved....so many things that we don' even think about.
This may be what my doctor was trying to tell me when she first diagnosed me 3.5 years ago; she looked me straight in the eye and told me that I wasn't crazy or psychologically messed up. As I've worked on overcoming, I've struggled a lot with this. In my darker moments, I wonder how she could be right if it takes such "mental" power to overcome it. I mean if its not "all in my head" - then why can I fix it by using my head?
I think I understand now. These spasms...they can be so much more than a psychological response - so much more unintentional than a "fear" aversion or reaction. It can really be a physiologically problem - just like people get back spasms or headaches. I'm guessing it can very much be stress related, just like my jaw spasms when I'm anxious about things. In fact, perhaps the problem has nothing to do with any fear of sex, anxiety about pain (although I'm sure once the cycle starts...fear of pain is one of the first things to be layered on top). But just because the problem is physiologically, doesn't mean that the solution has to be (botox around my vagina does not appeal to me at all). Its really a testament to our AMAZING brains, our wonderous MENTAL STRENGTH....we are able to relax muscles that most people don't even give a moment's thought. That's pretty awesome in my book.
Thanks, Doc...it may have taken me 3+ years, but I get now what you were trying to say. Perhaps, if I hadn't been such a chicken, I could have just asked you myself...but maybe its better discovering it for myself.
This may be what my doctor was trying to tell me when she first diagnosed me 3.5 years ago; she looked me straight in the eye and told me that I wasn't crazy or psychologically messed up. As I've worked on overcoming, I've struggled a lot with this. In my darker moments, I wonder how she could be right if it takes such "mental" power to overcome it. I mean if its not "all in my head" - then why can I fix it by using my head?
I think I understand now. These spasms...they can be so much more than a psychological response - so much more unintentional than a "fear" aversion or reaction. It can really be a physiologically problem - just like people get back spasms or headaches. I'm guessing it can very much be stress related, just like my jaw spasms when I'm anxious about things. In fact, perhaps the problem has nothing to do with any fear of sex, anxiety about pain (although I'm sure once the cycle starts...fear of pain is one of the first things to be layered on top). But just because the problem is physiologically, doesn't mean that the solution has to be (botox around my vagina does not appeal to me at all). Its really a testament to our AMAZING brains, our wonderous MENTAL STRENGTH....we are able to relax muscles that most people don't even give a moment's thought. That's pretty awesome in my book.
Thanks, Doc...it may have taken me 3+ years, but I get now what you were trying to say. Perhaps, if I hadn't been such a chicken, I could have just asked you myself...but maybe its better discovering it for myself.
Monday, January 21, 2013
It's getting easier...
One week in to this cycle of practicing and we have had sex 6 times. That's right... SIX FRICKEN TIMES! And its getting easier and easier every time.
New year...new accomplishments.
2013 is looking AWESOME.
New year...new accomplishments.
2013 is looking AWESOME.
Thursday, January 17, 2013
Lots of Success
Today is a day for good news.
On Sunday I was feeling very frustrated with my irregular periods and therefore my inability to have consistant practice every month. If I have to take 2+ weeks off each month, it can often feel like I am starting back at the beginning. I don't even remembe if we really had any success in December because of all this craziness.
But since Monday, we have had sex 4 TIMES!!!
It hasn't been completely pain free...but its been minimal pain (usually just when we first get started). And each time has gotten easier and easier. Tonight was the easiest, BY FAR!
Upwards and onwards...
On Sunday I was feeling very frustrated with my irregular periods and therefore my inability to have consistant practice every month. If I have to take 2+ weeks off each month, it can often feel like I am starting back at the beginning. I don't even remembe if we really had any success in December because of all this craziness.
But since Monday, we have had sex 4 TIMES!!!
It hasn't been completely pain free...but its been minimal pain (usually just when we first get started). And each time has gotten easier and easier. Tonight was the easiest, BY FAR!
Upwards and onwards...
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Rough start
3 days in and it's been a rough start.
I've been fighting a cold or some other bug for the past week almost, and it's making me so exhausted. On New Year's Eve, I fell asleep after dinner and didn't wake up until 11:59. On Saturday I fell asleep at 6 and slept till 8 the next morning. Who am I?!
Then, yesterday, I had two moles removed from my back. I didn't think about how that would affect my resolutions. I have to limit my movement as much as possible so as to not stretch the skin and turn the scars into giant, ugly things. So....I guess resolution #1 is going to have a late start.
So number 2...be kind to myself. This has been tougher than I thought it would be. Maybe it's my extreme exhaustion talking, but I need to think happier thoughts. I used to be the biggest optimist I know - and in many ways I still am - I'm just too hard on myself. Isn't there just an off switch I can pull?
#3... So far so good, I think. I was pretty busy yesterday but I took all of Tuesday off and we made breakfast this morning together. So I'll call this one a win.
So maybe I'm not off the start I had imagined, but in keeping with goal 2 (being kind to myself)...I'm gonna cut myself some slack . I can't help that I am sick, and I definitely can't argue with the rest needed after a medical procedure...so this weeks goal is to stay motivated and to stay positive.
I just need to remember that everyone thinks my life is perfect because I have so many blessings and great things in it. I just need to put my focus on those things and trust that my deep dark secrets will someday turn into blessings as well.
I've been fighting a cold or some other bug for the past week almost, and it's making me so exhausted. On New Year's Eve, I fell asleep after dinner and didn't wake up until 11:59. On Saturday I fell asleep at 6 and slept till 8 the next morning. Who am I?!
Then, yesterday, I had two moles removed from my back. I didn't think about how that would affect my resolutions. I have to limit my movement as much as possible so as to not stretch the skin and turn the scars into giant, ugly things. So....I guess resolution #1 is going to have a late start.
So number 2...be kind to myself. This has been tougher than I thought it would be. Maybe it's my extreme exhaustion talking, but I need to think happier thoughts. I used to be the biggest optimist I know - and in many ways I still am - I'm just too hard on myself. Isn't there just an off switch I can pull?
#3... So far so good, I think. I was pretty busy yesterday but I took all of Tuesday off and we made breakfast this morning together. So I'll call this one a win.
So maybe I'm not off the start I had imagined, but in keeping with goal 2 (being kind to myself)...I'm gonna cut myself some slack . I can't help that I am sick, and I definitely can't argue with the rest needed after a medical procedure...so this weeks goal is to stay motivated and to stay positive.
I just need to remember that everyone thinks my life is perfect because I have so many blessings and great things in it. I just need to put my focus on those things and trust that my deep dark secrets will someday turn into blessings as well.
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