A year ago, things were finally starting to look up. Truthfully up...not just me being positive on the surface. I was making lots of progress on overcoming Vaginismus and I was feeling the effects in all areas of life.
But something happened along the way and I'm not sure what did it.
As most things are, I'm sure it was a combination of factors. The stress of exams, the stress of work (in the fall I ended up working a full time job in addition to being a full time student with many part-time jobs)...things were getting rough for the hubby too but we just kept on chugging.
Its ironic that the "Keep Calm and Carry On" phrase is getting so much use these days. I've always been that type of person, but man this was the king of all "keep calm and carry on"-years.
I am happy. I really am. I constantly look for the good in my life and I am sincerely grateful for all the good. And there is so much good...
But all of these blessings don't seem to be enough to allow me to keep the pace I used to keep...To keep the strength and privacy I used to keep...To not let my inner struggles affect my outer life.
And so this year I fell. Peaks and valleys..but an overall decline...
[I took out all the details of my life - it felt just a little to exact. Summary version: I didn't get a job I applied for but the guy they hired is smart and wonderfully kind (even though I was a better fit for the position - I really like this new guy). Furthermore, the boss would have made my life miserabl and I'm so much better off without the job AND I've had way better opportunities since then. My school job has been incredibly stressful this year but the future looks very positive. I failed my test due to all the stress but now I'm finally getting the help I need for my health. And finally (which unfortunately there is not a good side to)...my grandfather has been diagnosed with terminal cantor. And my 93 year old grandmother is getting terrible dementia.]
As you can see...it sometimes feel like a big downhill fall with little peaks of happiness along the way. But honestly I know I will come out stronger for it all. I don't regret any of it. And as for my grandpa... well, I'm keeping the faith that it'll be better than we originally thought.
In the meantime, I'm learning to care for myself and I'm learning to be patient with myself. I'm taking a slower approach to the vaginismus treatment this time around, because I'm dealing with added trials.
No more "Keep calm and carry on" - this time it is "slow and steady."
So sorry to hear about your grandpa, StillinLove.. That's never ever easy to go through. You truly have had so much on your plate for so long, and although I don't know you personally I know you are an incredible and very strong woman. You have done and accomplished so much that you should be proud of. I was just commenting about anxiety on another blog.. it seems to be something several people have developed recently. It sucks.. but it sounds like you are dealing with it well. And I know the exam situation was really hard on you, but it's good that you are seeing so many positives coming from it. Sometimes the silver lining in these clouds are amazing. The hidden opportunities when things don't happen the way we expected or hoped can be incredible. That's what I'm hoping for in my own life right now. Slow and steady is a good motto... I'm going to borrow it if you don't mind. :)
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