I didn't even want to try...

Last night, after a VERY long day, I came home to my loving husband and we cuddled on the couch to watch the Office.  When we headed to bed, he tried to get things going, but I just didn't have the energy to focus as much as it takes to be successful.  It was a long day but I think it was more than that...I'm going through one of those weak moments.  I'm hoping by admitting it, I won't make excuses, but rather kick myself in the butt.  I just feel too tired to try anymore.

I felt so energized back in June, but now I'm back to lacking faith that things will ever get beyond this.  A couple nights ago, my husband gave me a pep talk, saying how I've already achieved things I thought were impossible.  Two of my greatest fears were that 1) I would never be able to "please" my husband in that way, and 2) that I would never be able to have kids (can't have babies, if you can't have sex).  And he's right, I have overcome those (well, I can't know for sure that I can have kids, since I'm not pregnant...but overcoming fear #1 means that fear #2 is basically gone).  I am happy for those things...its just that I imagined that fixing those things would make every thing better, and they haven't.

I just feel so tired by the lack of reward.  I know that overcoming those issues should be a reward in and of itself....but I want to feel something that makes me know its going to be worth all the struggles to get there.

Maybe tonight will be better...

A goal

They say the best things in life are the most difficult. I hope that is true for sex. it seems like after all the progress I've made, it's such a huge effort just to be pain-free. It's going to be worth it, right?

It has to be. The way people talk about it, the way peoplethrow away their marriages for a one night stand, the way people can never seem to get enough of it... it's got to be worth it!

Someday, I won't have to pretend that I know how great it is.  Someday my joy from sex will come from the moment, not from just a sense of accomplishment that I "got through it" with little/no pain.. Someday it'll work

No, scratch that... someday it will be ORGASMIC!

I can't believe I wrote that word on the big, public, Internet - but maybe it needs to be said.
Can't progress forward without a goal, right? So here it is...

Someday, I am going to have pain-free, super sexy, mind blowing, body trembling, ORGASMIC sex.

Now, that sounds like its worth it.

And I chickened out...

I started this blog back in June and I was so confident, so hopeful that I could come "public" (albeit anonymously) about this whole Vaginismus thing.  But I chickened out. Not sure why, but I did. That seems to be the nature of the big V - try...chicken out...try...do a little better...but then chicken out again. I'm not proud, but then again I've learned not to beat myself up too much over failure.

So back in the saddle and we'll see how long I last, but the point is I'm trying... Right?

If you're wondering what has happened since my big success in June, here are the highlights:

That first week or so, I had lots of sex...almost every day. And it got easier every time. (side note: my trick was ice cream sundaes - every time we had sex, I'd have a small one. Even though sex was still a lot of work and not really pleasurable, I viewed that little ice cream as a reminder that someday sex was going to be totally AMAZING.) 

But then...dun dun dun.... I got a UTI. Seriously?! I mean I know it happens all the time for women after their honeymoons but you'd think after all I've been through I'd be granted a little bit of slack from having more vaginal issues.

But alas, it wasn't to be and I spent a good week or so dealing with that.

Then, came the big birth control decision. I'll leave the whole issue for a different day but long story short...no BC for me!

So period came and went, we got back to trying sex again (although a little bit more hesitantly - the time off for the UTI and period definitely took its mental toll). And then low and behold... Another UTI!!! This one lasting right up until mid week of our "Re-do Honeymoon." We did get some practice in towards the end of the week so I'm calling it a success (hey, I gotta take them where I can find them!).  

Anyway, that leaves an August full of travels, school and craziness...but we made some progress and now here we are in September.  Just finished my period and though I'm totally freaked out about trying again (I'm always afraid that it's not going to work after time off), I'm determined.  

This is a roller coaster journey, but ultimately, I think it's made me stronger, my husband stronger, and my marriage stronger. And when I put it that way, I guess I should look forward to the journey ahead.  I dont know if I can actually promise to "look forward" to it, but I sure can look forward to the woman I'll be at the end of it.

And maybe a little blogging honesty along the way will help...