The Light at the End of the Tunnel

A week ago I would have never have been able to write this.
A week ago I was constantly on the go - trying to distract myself from my life.
A week ago I was smiling, maybe even laughing, but underneath even the most genuine smile, feeling the deep sadness of a secret I could never tell..
A week ago, I could not see the light at the end of the tunnel.

But a week ago, I was a very different girl.

Not only do I see the light, I have stepped out into it.  I feel its warmth and rejoice in its optimism.  And I can't even tell share it with my friends and family.

So I'm sharing with you, whoever you are.  Inspired by another blogger who is still on the journey and displays a courage I never could, I think its finally time to bring this topic out of the dark, and into the light.

In case you didn't know, there are woman struggling every day to do something that you probably took for granted (even if you haven't done it yourself, you probably didn't even know that some people can't).  In case you didn't know, these women weren't necessarily abused, coming from broken homes, or extreme parenting/religions.  Some of them are your relatives, coworkers, teachers, accountants, maybe even your physician.  Some have gone through awful traumas, only to find this condition as yet another devastating result of their suffering. Some don't have any idea where the problem came from.  Some discovered this problem on what should have been one of the happiest days of their lives.  Some developed it later in life - after a major life event or even seemingly out of nowhere.

Some women can't have sex.
Its called vaginismus and it sucks.
**There are also many other medical conditions or problems which may cause a woman to not be able to have sex, but this is the one I had experience with and hope to raise awareness about.  Check out www.vaginismus.com for more detailed information.

Like I said before, I'm writing this from the point of view of one who has completed most of the journey, but you should check out http://vaginaofdoom.blogspot.com/ to read from the point of view of a super strong chick who is tackling this head on, with the courage to share her struggles and triumphs along the way.  I am hoping that by sharing my thoughts, memories, and experiences, those who are currently struggling from this problem might find some hope.  I'm also writing this as a reminder for those of you who never even knew it existed.  As Plato said (at least as quoted by google), "be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."  You may never know what that battle is, so open your heart and your mind, and show some patience and love.

So here I go...

Perhaps it is best to start with some excerpts from something I wrote almost 2 weeks ago (on a private forum for woman struggling with Vaginismus), just to give you a glance into how different my life was:


May 25, 2012
This is a very new experience for me...opening up about something that is so personal on a public forum. But at this point, I'm willing to try anything.

I am 25 years old and have been married to my incredible husband for almost 3 years now. We still haven't been able to have sex and, to be honest, I can't even imagine a life in which sex is part. That scares me the most. My husband reminded me again, as he always has, that he will always be there waiting for me at the end of the tunnel. I finally admitted to him that I can't even see the light at the end of the tunnel. Even when I am going through phases of improvement, working through the treatment program, I still cannot imagine ultimate success. I read posts of people who have suffered through and overcome vaginismus and know in my head that its possible...but how do you achieve something, you can't even imagine?

A little background information...
I come from a family of medical doctors and although I was raised (and am still) a practice Catholic, I do not believe that my religion has anything to do with this problem (except maybe that I would have discovered it sooner if I hadn't waited till marriage). Actually, I'm glad I waited and discovered it with my husband because he has been my rock through this whole thing.  Anyway, I have always felt like my parents gave me a very healthy view of sex and so I can't blame my problems on a strict upbringing or lack of awareness of my sexuality.

In college, I began dating my best friend whom I had known since  we were little kids.  We got married the summer after college and had a beautiful wedding. It was (not an exaggeration) perfect.
The wedding night, however, was not so great. I spent most of it in tears as my husband comforted me, telling me not to worry. We probably just need lubrication or maybe just practice...
You know its funny... even back then - before I even knew I had an issue - I couldn't imagine actually having sex. I remember walking into the hotel room and thinking, "I can't even imagine a reality in which I will be experiencing the pleasure of actual, real sex."

One of the worst parts came the next afternoon, when we went to a family barbeque to spend with all the family from out of town. When we walked outside and saw all the family, they all started cheering and teasing us about the big wedding night. We smiled and faked it. That may be the worst part. The faking it...

And so I've been faking it. For almost three years, I have lived a "perfect" life. People seriously come up to me and tell me how perfect my husband and I are together. People who have been married for decades, marvel at our relationship. He is after all, my best friend. But what they don't see, what they don't know, is how incredibly perfect he really is. How incredibly supportive, loving, patient this husband of mine truly is. And they don't see how far from perfect I feel. They don't see the brokeness I feel, or the tears I've cried. They don't see the depression I've experienced (I went off birth control, not just because I don't need it, but also because I felt like it was making my depression worse). 

My head knows a lot of things, my heart can't always feel. 
It knows that I am blessed. I have a wonderful husband, a strong marriage, a successful buisness, a growing career... I am suffering from a condition that can be overcome and not dying of some horrible disease. I have loving family and fantastic friends. How can I complain?

But my heart feels sad, and I don't want to fake it anymore. I don't want to be perfect. I want to be alive.