Keep Calm and Carry On

A year ago, things were finally starting to look up.  Truthfully up...not just me being positive on the surface.  I was making lots of progress on overcoming Vaginismus and I was feeling the effects in all areas of life.

But something happened along the way and I'm not sure what did it. 

As most things are, I'm sure it was a combination of factors.  The stress of exams, the stress of work (in the fall I ended up working a full time job in addition to being a full time student with many part-time jobs)...things were getting rough for the hubby too but we just kept on chugging.

Its ironic that the "Keep Calm and Carry On" phrase is getting so much use these days.  I've always been that type of person, but man this was the king of all "keep calm and carry on"-years. 

I am happy.  I really am.  I constantly look for the good in my life and I am sincerely grateful for all the good. And there is so much good...

But all of these blessings don't seem to be enough to allow me to keep the pace I used to keep...To keep the strength and privacy I used to keep...To not let my inner struggles affect my outer life. 

And so this year I fell.  Peaks and valleys..but an overall decline...

[I took out all the details of my life - it felt just a little to exact.  Summary version: I didn't get a job I applied for but the guy they hired is smart and wonderfully kind (even though I was a better fit for the position - I really like this new guy).  Furthermore, the boss would have made my life miserabl and I'm so much better off without the job AND I've had way better opportunities since then.  My school job has been incredibly stressful this year but the future looks very positive.  I failed my test due to all the stress but now I'm finally getting the help I need for my health.  And finally (which unfortunately there is not a good side to)...my grandfather has been diagnosed with terminal cantor.  And my 93 year old grandmother is getting terrible dementia.]


As you can see...it sometimes feel like a big downhill fall with little peaks of happiness along the way.  But honestly I know I will come out stronger for it all.  I don't regret any of it.  And as for my grandpa... well, I'm keeping the faith that it'll be better than we originally thought.

In the meantime, I'm learning to care for myself and I'm learning to be patient with myself.  I'm taking a slower approach to the vaginismus treatment this time around, because I'm dealing with added trials. 

No more "Keep calm and carry on" - this time it is "slow and steady."

When it rains, it pours....

It's been a rough weekend. I had to work a lot which made everything more stressful.

1) This Sunday was my husband and my last Sunday at the church where we grew up. We are moving on to bigger and better things...in a place that we believe will rejuvenate our souls... But it's still sad to say goodbye.

2) My husband had to reschedule a very big event in his life. We were hoping to be passed it, but alas it was not meant to be. He's been very bummed to still have it hanging over his head.

3) My grandfather went into the hospital on Friday. He's doing better now (in the short term) but things aren't looking good for him. I'm not ready to say goodbye. My grandpa is an AMAZING man. So brilliant but so silly and fun. I love him so much.

This is gonna be a rough week.

I don't know where this came from, but I'm gonna go with it.

I'm researching, writing, and perhaps even being a little bit insightful.

And I have no migraine.

I don't know what happened, but I cancelled everything for the next two days, took off most of this afternoon/evening and for the first time in months, I am having FUN doing research again. 

I usually have fun in the final phase of writing, but I've been so caught up in exams lately that I haven't had any time to enjoy true musicology research.  And to top things off, this exam got me so far behind in my research for this paper, I was just struggling to get something down on paper so I don't have to take an incomplete. 

But suddenly, I read something which I thought was a bit extreme, and then I went...wait a minute, I won't go so far as to say that, but that doesn't mean I should throw out the whole concept.  It triggered a snowball of thoughts and ta-da! I'm writing a paper. 

The emphasis has shifted a bit from my original thought, but as of right now, it feels great so I'm stickign with it.  I can always go back and change it to something boreing tomorrow. :-)

I thin I need to get some rest now, but I wrote a whole outline of the new train of thought and I'm pumped to get up tomorrow and write!

Hopefully this idea is as good tomorrow as it feels now - I would LOVE the opportunity to impress this professor. 

And they keep looking up...

So this is what its like to get home at a normal hour...

It's kind of nice.  If it weren't for the clouds, the sun would still be out...I have some quiet time to myself before having to worry about dinner and life (or in today's case, my paper). 

I met with my principal today. She was amazing.  I started to tear up a little as I told her I may not be able to teach next year.  And she basically told me I could do WHATEVER I wanted.  So if I need to end the year early...no problem. If I want to teach every other week next year...no problem.  If I want to bring in a different teacher and split up grades or teach different topics...no problem.  If I need to leave completely...they would miss me but she would not pressure me to stay.  Basically, I get to create my own schedule and amount of devotion for next year, without feeling like I need to give up everything I've worked for.  I can bring someone in for a year with me as the advisor/mentor.  It's unbelievable how she will bend over backwards for me.  I truly am blessed.

So now, a little snack and then I'll start back on my paper.

Life is starting to get back to good again.

Things are looking up

Things are starting to look up again.

My husband made an excel spreadsheet  for me to keep track of migraines.  However, its become pretty obvious that the stress is a major trigger.  I'm working on trying to just stop whatever I am doing or thinking about whenever I catch my headache starting to come on.

The semester is wrapping up and although I am really struggling to write my paper, I am surviving.  I'll get there eventually.

I had meetings with 2 of my professors and it was amazingly encouraging.  As I had thought, it was the orals which had killed me - there was nothing in the writtens which I couldn't have explained away in the orals if I had not frozen.  As much as it sucks that one day put me a year behind - I think its for the best.  I think I've said this before, but its worth reminding myself...if I had passed, I probably wouldn't have taken my health seriously. And I NEED to take care of myself for once.

There were a lot of positives about the meetings and apparently there were some faculty who really wanted to pass me (including one of the most challenging professors in the department). Plus, even the one professor who was most concerned about my brain blank does not think I'm flake.  He just thought I wasn't quite where I need to be in his particular specialty.  I can handle that.  The professor I want to be my advisor actually said that she had no issues with her area of specialty and that I shouldn't even worry about it for the next time.  This is great news since her area of specialty is the area I want to go into.

All and all...I wish I could just fastward to a week from now when this semester is over.  But I'll survive until then.


 

headaches

Today I woke up with a migraine - I still have it now and its killing me.  Honestly I have to deal with a migraine at least once or twice a week.  Most often on my study days - check out that irony.

I don't know if its the stress of studying or something more tangible....diet, exercise, sleep, etc.  So I guess I need to start keeping track of the details.  Today's migraine makes a lot of sense - I have not been sleeping well since I woke up from my nerves on Friday at 5am.  It's going to be hard to tell stress and activity factors since I've been trying to relax and do nothing for a coule days, but the guilt, stress, embaressment, etc. have been eating me alive. 

Known triggars: lack of sleep, not eating enough
Other associations I've observed: stress or adrenalyn rush (often after a performance or a big event, I usually have a very bad migraine when I supposed to be relaxing or celebrating)

So I need to keep a log. Maybe something like this...

Migraine 4/29/13  began around 7 am (still in pain at 12pm)
Today Sleep: 7.5 hours
(fell asleep on the couch for about 45 minutes before actually going to bed, so a little over 8 hours total)
Food today:
         Breakfast: Juice, Bannana, munching on cookies throughout the morning (I already had the headache when I woke up so it was hard to eat).
Activities Today: lay on couch, watched a movie
Stress Level: high
Food yesterday:
           Dinner:chicken tomato basil pasta; a few sips of wine
           Lunch: smoothie, tomato basil soup and a tomato mozzarella panini
           Breakfast:  Donut
Sleep Yesterday: less than 6 hours (woke up at 6 for work)
     **special note: been waking up at 5 for the few days before that...and having trouble getting to sleep   
Activities Yesterday: worked 6:30-8am; cleaned house and tried to rest (slept from 3-4); worked from 4:30-6pm; made dinner; watched movie; fell asleep on couch (perhaps neck in a bad position?)     
Stress level: high          

Learning from My Mistakes

I try to learn from my mistakes. I try to analyze and respond to my experiences in a way which I can better myself.  

But the one thing I can't seem to do...the one thing I just struggle with daily is letting myself rest. 

It doesn't make any sense.  Back in my athletic days, I knew all about the importance of rest days and pacing yourself.  But I guess I've lost that.  

I have been going at 110% for the past four years.  My rests aren't rest...my breaks aren't breaks.  If I go out with friends, I usually feel guilty and have to justify it the whole time I'm out.  I'm constantly thinking about the pressure, and the obligations....and I've finally cracked.

Yesterday, I did not pass my exams.  I...who has always been the top of my class...who has alway impressed my teachers and professors...have let them down.  I choked. When they asked me questions, I could barely create a coherent answer.  Sometimes, I couldn't even understand what they were asking. 

Its not for lack of studying...but its for lack of studying smartly.  How can I possibly study when I'm freaking out in the back of my mind the whole time?  How can I try to retain information if I'm not in good mental health?

And this damn vaginismus.  I mean it...fuckin' vaginismus (ok that's kind of ironic but back to my point...). Besides my husband, two people in this entire world know that I still struggle with this.  And I don't think I've really gone to them since I had my good phase last summer.  

I have this HUGE secret hanging over my head.  And I'm a fricken Pollyanna all the time.  I do have a good life - I think its healthy that I try to focus on the positive.  But I'm burnt out on hiding.  And yet...I still can't tell anyone.  

I've made some decisions... 

1) I'm going to quick my school job. - I'm only going to teach privately, which is more money for less time, and I get to be my own boss.

2) Since I really only have one class left, I'm going to sit in on extra classes...which allows me learn without stressing me out with all the extra assignments.

3) I'm going to start saying "no" - kindly, gently...but I've got to start taking care of me.

4) I also realize my church makes me very unhappy - some of the people are just not very nice.  I've turned down a few church jobs because they take up too much time...but I have one potential option in my future which would allow me to only do one service (but at better pay) in an environment where I will be rejuvinated in my faith instead of frustrated.  I really hope this works out.  If it doesn't...perhaps I'll just stop working where I'm at.  

So ending on a postive.  This failure, in the long run, will probably be a blessing.  Right now it sucks...really really sucks...but a few months or a year from now - it won't matter.  I'll be all the stronger for it.  I didn't have the courage to make these decisions before...but I have to now.  I need to get over how selfish it feels - I'm going to start taking care of ME.