I took a couple weeks off from work. I can't do it all. Exams, work, life...
And for these two weeks, I picked exams and a modified version of life.
By modified, I mean...minimal shopping, cleaning, cooking, laundry, etc...limited to what I need to get by. And what I need to get by is sex.
All I'm doing these days is studying like crazy and trying not to freak out. And sex is good for me - I mean, I kind of freakout about sex - but I'm learning to control that freakout. And if I can control the sex freakout, then why not the exam freakout. So yesterday I had sex for the first time in many weeks. And it was a little rough - tight to be more exact. But it was able to happen. And that gave me confidence.
If I can overcome vaginismus (even if I'm still working on getting better at it) than I can pass my exams. Or at least not totally fail them. :-P
Regardless, I'm using the skills learned from tackling vaginismus to tackle this exam.
Who would've thought a tight vagina could teach a girl so much...
Friday, March 22, 2013
Sunday, March 10, 2013
I hold my tension in my vagina.
I hold my tension in my vagina.
Yep, thats right. Some people hold it in their neck, their back, their clenched fists...
I hold it in my vagina.
To be fair, I also hold it in my neck and jaw. For three years I took TMJ problems to a whole new level. There were times when I couldn't even open my mouth the width of my pinky for over 24 hours. It was cyclic...you start freaking out about not being able to open your mouth, and then you clench even tighter.
Well, my vagina likes to stress out too.
You know, its kind of funny. For many years, I thought I handled stress very well. People thought - "she always seems to calm and collected." Well, the reason I wasn't freaking out on the outside, is because my body was doing it for me.
I'll be honest...I am freaking out now. This exam, is freaking me the f*** out. My jaw is tight, my neck and head are feeling the tension and my vagina is literally throbbing with tension. Literally hurting without me even doing anything. Thank goodness for all I've overcome, because when I do focus my thoughts I can make the pain stop. However, its hard to stop the pain and concentrate on studying at the same time.
My blessing, as always, is my husband. He scoops me up on his lap (even though he has just as much pressure in his life as I do) and holds me against his chest. And in that moment, all the tension melts away. Too bad I can't just stay there forever.
Yep, thats right. Some people hold it in their neck, their back, their clenched fists...
I hold it in my vagina.
To be fair, I also hold it in my neck and jaw. For three years I took TMJ problems to a whole new level. There were times when I couldn't even open my mouth the width of my pinky for over 24 hours. It was cyclic...you start freaking out about not being able to open your mouth, and then you clench even tighter.
Well, my vagina likes to stress out too.
You know, its kind of funny. For many years, I thought I handled stress very well. People thought - "she always seems to calm and collected." Well, the reason I wasn't freaking out on the outside, is because my body was doing it for me.
I'll be honest...I am freaking out now. This exam, is freaking me the f*** out. My jaw is tight, my neck and head are feeling the tension and my vagina is literally throbbing with tension. Literally hurting without me even doing anything. Thank goodness for all I've overcome, because when I do focus my thoughts I can make the pain stop. However, its hard to stop the pain and concentrate on studying at the same time.
My blessing, as always, is my husband. He scoops me up on his lap (even though he has just as much pressure in his life as I do) and holds me against his chest. And in that moment, all the tension melts away. Too bad I can't just stay there forever.
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