A few moments in my head...

Definite success this month.

But also some failure.
I think Vaginismus must be contagious and I passed it on to my husband.
Of course he doesn't have a vagina so he can't REALLY have Vaginismus, but sometimes it's hard for him to stay focused...to want to try.  I worry about it hurting...he worries about it hurting me.  And it's so sweet, because its not him hurting me at all. It's my own body causing the pain.

But still...so much success.  The latest times were even completely pain-free.

So why is it still hard. For him...for me...to get the courage to try again.  To keep moving forward.

I have so many papers to write, so many things to do before the end of the semester - I've been putting it all off.  Would I be a better student if I didn't have this? Would I be able to focus better,study  longer and remember things better? I feel like I was so much better at this school stuff as an undergrad - memorizing, staying focused...I didn't have this distraction.  I mean I had plenty of distractions; I've always been the type to over exert myself. But I feel like this is different. It affects me so deeply.  It takes so much effort to just face a day.  It is exhausting to contemplate whether or not its a good day to "try".  

Damn, I sound like such a baby.  Here, let me go throw myself a pity party...I'm ashamed that I let the bring me down so much.

We just had Thanksgiving...let me count my blessings. health (no cancer/life threatening illnesses), family, friends, successful work, love....the most beautiful husband in the world.

Why can't I just let this be enough?  So many people would give everything to have what I have.  Why do I let this wipe me out so completely? Why am I so weak?

Definite success this month.
Fuck the failures. I had sex 5 times.    

...makes me feel better when I put it that way.

"I would wait forever for you"

I updated on the forum this morning, which I've copied and pasted below:

Success this morning! Not completely pain free but only a little burning/tightness. It's been so long because of UTIs and awkward early/super long periods, that it was great to have him inside of me. I just looked at him and told myself "look how much your husband loves you" and then my PC muscles relaxed and he was able to go inside. Again not perfect, but its amazing what a little positive thinking will do. Then as we were laying there my husband says "I would wait forever for you." I almost cried right there...that was probably the sweetest thing he could have ever said in that moment - and I know the next time we try, that beautiful thought will be running through my head. I love my husband!

I am so blessed in my husband and I am going all out today.  I actually have the day off so I've been able to do the laundry, and run some errands.  I'm going to clean the kitchen and straighten up the apartment, as well.  Then I am going take care of some girly business - do my hair, put on some make-up and  underneath it all...some sexy lingerie.  Oh and I just got some super cute Carlos Santana boots which I'm going to wear out tonight.  We're not going anywhere wild and I won't necessarily be dressed up "sexy" on the outside.  But I am wearing one of those shirts with those "easy access" buttons.  If I give him a sneak peak of whats underneath he won't be able to stand it all night.  When we get back home...I'm planning on another success story. :-)

Wish me luck!