A week ago I came down with a cold and it is really putting the breaks on practicing sex. 
We've had a little fun but I'm too tired and snotty to last very long.

Worst of all, I've been feeling nauseaus, especially this morning.  It was so bad this morning that I walked into the bathroom in case I needed to throw up.  The nausea a few days ago I just assumed was because of the cold and all the gunk draining into my tummy (gross, I know).  But now its got me wondering... The nausea usually goes away as the cold progresses, not gets worse.  I'm not going to be paranoid. 

I also have not started my period and its been 31 days. For the past few months I've been thinking I have super irregular periods...and then, after really sitting down with my calendar, I realized that they are always (at least since September) 30 or 31 days - the irregular part is just how long they last which is sometimes 2-3 weeks.  Yuck!

So we shall see....

Honestly, I just want to be healthy and able to get more practice in.  We were having such a good run, I'm afraid that too much time off is going to make things difficult next time we try.  I need the rest tonight but I kind of want to practice...just to ease my fears.   

I guess I'll just have to keep on keeping on!

 

Today's Epiphany

So I had a bit of an epiphany today...I think I am one of those women who gets pelvic spasms throughout the day.  As I was driving today, I tried doing some kegal exercises and I realized that I was very tight.  Then while sitting on the couch studying, I realized that I was clenching "down there" for no reason.  We aren't trying to have sex right now...my husband isn't even in the room.  I'd really love for some medical researchers to do more looking into this problem.  There seems to be so much involved....so many things that we don' even think about. 

This may be what my doctor was trying to tell me when she first diagnosed me 3.5 years ago; she looked me straight in the eye and told me that I wasn't crazy or psychologically messed up. As I've worked on overcoming, I've struggled a lot with this.  In my darker moments, I wonder how she could be right if it takes such "mental" power to overcome it. I mean if its not "all in my head" - then why can I fix it by using my head?

I think I understand now.  These spasms...they can be so much more than a psychological response - so much more unintentional than a "fear" aversion or reaction.  It can really be a physiologically problem - just like people get back spasms or headaches. I'm guessing it can very much be stress related, just like my jaw spasms when I'm anxious about things. In fact, perhaps the problem has nothing to do with any fear of sex, anxiety about pain (although I'm sure once the cycle starts...fear of pain is one of the first things to be layered on top).   But just because the problem is physiologically, doesn't mean that the solution has to be (botox around my vagina does not appeal to me at all).  Its really a testament to our AMAZING brains, our wonderous MENTAL STRENGTH....we are able to relax muscles that most people don't even give a moment's thought.  That's pretty awesome in my book.

Thanks, Doc...it may have taken me 3+ years, but I get now what you were trying to say.  Perhaps, if I hadn't been such a chicken, I could have just asked you myself...but maybe its better discovering it for myself.

It's getting easier...

One week in to this cycle of practicing and we have had sex 6 times.  That's right... SIX FRICKEN TIMES!  And its getting easier and easier every time. 

New year...new accomplishments. 

2013 is looking AWESOME.

Lots of Success

Today is a day for good news.

On Sunday I was feeling very frustrated with my irregular periods and therefore my inability to have consistant practice every month.  If I have to take 2+ weeks off each month, it can often feel like I am starting back at the beginning. I don't even remembe if we really had any success in December because of all this craziness.

But since Monday, we have had sex 4 TIMES!!!

It hasn't been completely pain free...but its been minimal pain (usually just when we first get started).  And each time has gotten easier and easier.  Tonight was the easiest, BY FAR!

Upwards and onwards...

Rough start

3 days in and it's been a rough start.

I've been fighting a cold or some other bug for the past week almost, and it's making me so exhausted.  On New Year's Eve, I fell asleep after dinner and didn't wake up until 11:59. On Saturday I fell asleep at 6 and slept till 8 the next morning. Who am I?!

Then, yesterday, I had two moles removed from my back. I didn't think about how that would affect my resolutions.  I have to limit my movement as much as possible so as to not stretch the skin and turn the scars into giant, ugly things.  So....I guess resolution #1 is going to have a late start.

So number 2...be kind to myself.  This has been tougher than I thought it would be.  Maybe it's my extreme exhaustion talking, but I need to think happier thoughts.  I used to be the biggest optimist I know - and in many ways I still am - I'm just too hard on myself.  Isn't there just an off switch I can pull?

#3... So far so good, I think.  I was pretty busy yesterday but I took all of Tuesday off and we made breakfast this morning together.  So I'll call this one a win.

So maybe I'm not off the start I had imagined, but in keeping with goal 2 (being kind to myself)...I'm gonna cut myself some slack .  I can't help that I am sick, and I definitely can't argue with the rest needed after a medical procedure...so this weeks goal is to stay motivated and to stay positive.
I just need to remember that everyone thinks my life is perfect because I have so many blessings and great things in it.  I just need to put my focus on those things and trust that my deep dark secrets will someday turn into blessings as well.

Resolutions

New Year's Resolutions. I've always thought they were a good idea.  In fact, I make seasonal resolutions. Summer resolutions (usually related to fitness), Fall resolutions (usually related to school), etc.  Spring is the only time that gets a little left out, but I usually get my early summer resolutions in...working in my garden, etc.  Sometimes I even make monthly, or weekly resolutions.... whenever life seems to be getting out of hand, I pick a resolution and a start date.  It keeps me always trying to be the best "me" I can be.

Needless to say, this vaginismus thing has made an appearance at each of these resolutions for the past 3 1/2 years.  As I've discovered more and more about how interconnected my body and mind really are, I've starting including resolutions about my state of mind.  The result have been phenomenal ..I've had sex with my husband at least once a month, and sometimes a lot more than that ;-).  My severe TMJ has been reduced to a minor irritation on most days, and when I am really stressed out and my jaw locks horribly, I have tricks to reduce the inflammation and tension.  I've seen such improvements and I truly am blessed in how far I've come.

2012 has been the best year yet for these improvements - the TMJ, the vaginismus - this is the year I was able to do the impossible.  I unlocked my jaw...I unlocked my vagina.  This was my year.

So 2013...you've got a lot to live up to.  But I've got some resolutions which will help.

#1a) Get in shape - our bodies and our minds are so connected...if 2012 was the year of the mind, than 2013 needs to do the same with the body.  I actually did some good work in this area over the summer but lost it in the craziness of school starting back up.

#1b) Get healthy - the migraines, the constant struggle to keep weight on...  I know, I know...poor me..but I'm serious.  Its frustrating for my clothes to always be too big, and I can't stand it when my family and friends think I'm anorexic or something like that.  Even if people can tell its stress related (my mom can tell especially), it still difficult to see them worry.

Point being...Now, is the time to get my body in healthy balance with my mind.  

#2) Be kind to myself - I've got guilt up the wazzoo.  Not that cliche Catholic guilt that we always joke about), but legitimate beat myself up guilt.  Let's call it Graduate Student Guilt...that feeling like there's always so much more I could be doing.  And it bleeds into my professional life - I want to give my everything to my students, to my colleagues - but realistically I can't do it all.  This past semester, I took a seminar class with a post-doc (just graduated last spring) who told me eight words which changed my life. "You can only do what you can do."  I didn't realize this before, but she and all my fellow graduate student friends are actually impressed by all I achieve.  For many of them, school is their main/only obligation...they might tutor a student or two on the side...but not the hours or commitments I have hanging over me.

*Part of this second resolution is going to have to be that I cut back.  No ifs, ands or buts....I've got a big test this spring for school and I need to put that first.  I absolutely LOVE teaching, but my happiest days of the week are when I'm at my graduate school program and when I'm working on my professional endeavors (teaching is professional too...I just mean my non-teaching professional endeavors).

#3) More QUALITY hubby time - I'm so happy when I'm with him, but so much of the time all my obligations eat up my life and I'm too exhausted to be the wife I want to be.  In 2013...my husband and I are priority number 1.

#4) Have orgasmic sex.  Hey, I gotta fit this one in here somewhere.  I'm still working on the no pain, no fear thing...but that doesn't mean that 2013 can't be the year that sex becomes AWESOME.

Alright...out with the old and in with the new.  Gonna go to the store to get some food to make dinner and then we are going to celebrate the end of the best year thus far...and the start of one that is going to make 2012 seem pale in comparison.  Happy New Year!

 

A few moments in my head...

Definite success this month.

But also some failure.
I think Vaginismus must be contagious and I passed it on to my husband.
Of course he doesn't have a vagina so he can't REALLY have Vaginismus, but sometimes it's hard for him to stay focused...to want to try.  I worry about it hurting...he worries about it hurting me.  And it's so sweet, because its not him hurting me at all. It's my own body causing the pain.

But still...so much success.  The latest times were even completely pain-free.

So why is it still hard. For him...for me...to get the courage to try again.  To keep moving forward.

I have so many papers to write, so many things to do before the end of the semester - I've been putting it all off.  Would I be a better student if I didn't have this? Would I be able to focus better,study  longer and remember things better? I feel like I was so much better at this school stuff as an undergrad - memorizing, staying focused...I didn't have this distraction.  I mean I had plenty of distractions; I've always been the type to over exert myself. But I feel like this is different. It affects me so deeply.  It takes so much effort to just face a day.  It is exhausting to contemplate whether or not its a good day to "try".  

Damn, I sound like such a baby.  Here, let me go throw myself a pity party...I'm ashamed that I let the bring me down so much.

We just had Thanksgiving...let me count my blessings. health (no cancer/life threatening illnesses), family, friends, successful work, love....the most beautiful husband in the world.

Why can't I just let this be enough?  So many people would give everything to have what I have.  Why do I let this wipe me out so completely? Why am I so weak?

Definite success this month.
Fuck the failures. I had sex 5 times.    

...makes me feel better when I put it that way.