A week ago I came down with a cold and it is really putting the breaks on practicing sex. 
We've had a little fun but I'm too tired and snotty to last very long.

Worst of all, I've been feeling nauseaus, especially this morning.  It was so bad this morning that I walked into the bathroom in case I needed to throw up.  The nausea a few days ago I just assumed was because of the cold and all the gunk draining into my tummy (gross, I know).  But now its got me wondering... The nausea usually goes away as the cold progresses, not gets worse.  I'm not going to be paranoid. 

I also have not started my period and its been 31 days. For the past few months I've been thinking I have super irregular periods...and then, after really sitting down with my calendar, I realized that they are always (at least since September) 30 or 31 days - the irregular part is just how long they last which is sometimes 2-3 weeks.  Yuck!

So we shall see....

Honestly, I just want to be healthy and able to get more practice in.  We were having such a good run, I'm afraid that too much time off is going to make things difficult next time we try.  I need the rest tonight but I kind of want to practice...just to ease my fears.   

I guess I'll just have to keep on keeping on!

 

Today's Epiphany

So I had a bit of an epiphany today...I think I am one of those women who gets pelvic spasms throughout the day.  As I was driving today, I tried doing some kegal exercises and I realized that I was very tight.  Then while sitting on the couch studying, I realized that I was clenching "down there" for no reason.  We aren't trying to have sex right now...my husband isn't even in the room.  I'd really love for some medical researchers to do more looking into this problem.  There seems to be so much involved....so many things that we don' even think about. 

This may be what my doctor was trying to tell me when she first diagnosed me 3.5 years ago; she looked me straight in the eye and told me that I wasn't crazy or psychologically messed up. As I've worked on overcoming, I've struggled a lot with this.  In my darker moments, I wonder how she could be right if it takes such "mental" power to overcome it. I mean if its not "all in my head" - then why can I fix it by using my head?

I think I understand now.  These spasms...they can be so much more than a psychological response - so much more unintentional than a "fear" aversion or reaction.  It can really be a physiologically problem - just like people get back spasms or headaches. I'm guessing it can very much be stress related, just like my jaw spasms when I'm anxious about things. In fact, perhaps the problem has nothing to do with any fear of sex, anxiety about pain (although I'm sure once the cycle starts...fear of pain is one of the first things to be layered on top).   But just because the problem is physiologically, doesn't mean that the solution has to be (botox around my vagina does not appeal to me at all).  Its really a testament to our AMAZING brains, our wonderous MENTAL STRENGTH....we are able to relax muscles that most people don't even give a moment's thought.  That's pretty awesome in my book.

Thanks, Doc...it may have taken me 3+ years, but I get now what you were trying to say.  Perhaps, if I hadn't been such a chicken, I could have just asked you myself...but maybe its better discovering it for myself.

It's getting easier...

One week in to this cycle of practicing and we have had sex 6 times.  That's right... SIX FRICKEN TIMES!  And its getting easier and easier every time. 

New year...new accomplishments. 

2013 is looking AWESOME.

Lots of Success

Today is a day for good news.

On Sunday I was feeling very frustrated with my irregular periods and therefore my inability to have consistant practice every month.  If I have to take 2+ weeks off each month, it can often feel like I am starting back at the beginning. I don't even remembe if we really had any success in December because of all this craziness.

But since Monday, we have had sex 4 TIMES!!!

It hasn't been completely pain free...but its been minimal pain (usually just when we first get started).  And each time has gotten easier and easier.  Tonight was the easiest, BY FAR!

Upwards and onwards...

Rough start

3 days in and it's been a rough start.

I've been fighting a cold or some other bug for the past week almost, and it's making me so exhausted.  On New Year's Eve, I fell asleep after dinner and didn't wake up until 11:59. On Saturday I fell asleep at 6 and slept till 8 the next morning. Who am I?!

Then, yesterday, I had two moles removed from my back. I didn't think about how that would affect my resolutions.  I have to limit my movement as much as possible so as to not stretch the skin and turn the scars into giant, ugly things.  So....I guess resolution #1 is going to have a late start.

So number 2...be kind to myself.  This has been tougher than I thought it would be.  Maybe it's my extreme exhaustion talking, but I need to think happier thoughts.  I used to be the biggest optimist I know - and in many ways I still am - I'm just too hard on myself.  Isn't there just an off switch I can pull?

#3... So far so good, I think.  I was pretty busy yesterday but I took all of Tuesday off and we made breakfast this morning together.  So I'll call this one a win.

So maybe I'm not off the start I had imagined, but in keeping with goal 2 (being kind to myself)...I'm gonna cut myself some slack .  I can't help that I am sick, and I definitely can't argue with the rest needed after a medical procedure...so this weeks goal is to stay motivated and to stay positive.
I just need to remember that everyone thinks my life is perfect because I have so many blessings and great things in it.  I just need to put my focus on those things and trust that my deep dark secrets will someday turn into blessings as well.