You see, my husband and I fell in love very slowly, over years and years of friendship. When we were 15, I had no intention of falling in love with him. I did, however, know that I would spend the rest of my life with him....I just thought it would be more like Gwen Stefani's relationship with her band-mates in No Doubt. I thought that no matter who we dated...there would be no one more important to us than each other. I guess I was right about that part. When it finally hit me that I was absolutely head-over-heels in love with him, we were seniors in high school and I was not ready to rush into anything. My future with my husband was a far off dream and I was totally OK with that. I was happy just to dream about our future and to watch it play out slowly over time.
So for a moment, I was back to that 18-year-old-version of myself. With only hope and excitement for what the future had in store for us. And then another moment later...I crashed into reality. A reality in which I am married to the man of my dreams - more sexy than Jon Bon Jovi, more adorable than Gilbert from the Anne of Green Gables books, more admirable and refined than Mr. Darcy - and yet I cannot take part in that ultimate act of love.
The wave of reality crashed over me with full force...and I let it. I put on Dave Matthew's "Grey Street" and just let the tears pour out of me. I did not even try to hold it back (well, except in the sense that I did not want to get into a car accident). I wanted to quit everything in my life and run away with my husband to one of those magic-couples-therapy islands you see in the movies. I wanted to give up everything that I've worked so hard to achieve. I wanted to let down the whole image I've built up, hiding the hurt and worry I experience inside.
....and then I drove into the parking lot, walked to my apartment, put the "Trick-or-Treaters Welcome" sign on my door, and welcomed each adorable kid with a big smile and a cauldron full of candy. I don't know if this makes me strong or weak. I don't want to drop everything and run away to some mysterious-probably-doesn't-exist therapy center. I don't want anyone to know. I just want to make love to my husband and get back to living the dream that Vaginismus keeps making me forget that I'm living.
"Grey Street"
Dave Matthew's Band
Oh look at how she listens
She says nothing of what she thinks
She just goes stumbling through her memories
Staring out on to Grey Street
She thinks, “Hey,
How did I come to this?
I dream myself a thousand times around the world,
But I can’t get out of this place”
There’s an emptiness inside her
And she’d do anything to fill it in
But all the colors mix together - to grey
And it breaks her heart
How she wishes it was different
She prays to God most every night
And though she swears it doesn’t listen
There’s still a hope in her it might
She says, “I pray
But they fall on deaf ears,
Am I supposed to take it on myself?
To get out of this place”
There’s loneliness inside her
And she’d do anything to fill it in
And though it’s red blood bleeding from her now
It feels like cold blue ice in her heart
When all the colors mix together - to grey
And it breaks her heart
There’s a stranger speaks outside her door
Says take what you can from your dreams
Make them as real as anything
It’d take the work out of the courage
But she says, “Please
There’s a crazy man that’s creeping outside my door,
I live on the corner of Grey Street and the end of the world”
There’s an emptiness inside her
And she’d do anything to fill it in
And though it’s red blood bleeding from her now
It’s more like cold blue ice in her heart
She feels like kicking out all the windows
And setting fire to this life
She could change everything about her using colors bold and bright
But all the colors mix together - to grey
And it breaks her heart
It breaks her heart
To grey
She says nothing of what she thinks
She just goes stumbling through her memories
Staring out on to Grey Street
She thinks, “Hey,
How did I come to this?
I dream myself a thousand times around the world,
But I can’t get out of this place”
There’s an emptiness inside her
And she’d do anything to fill it in
But all the colors mix together - to grey
And it breaks her heart
How she wishes it was different
She prays to God most every night
And though she swears it doesn’t listen
There’s still a hope in her it might
She says, “I pray
But they fall on deaf ears,
Am I supposed to take it on myself?
To get out of this place”
There’s loneliness inside her
And she’d do anything to fill it in
And though it’s red blood bleeding from her now
It feels like cold blue ice in her heart
When all the colors mix together - to grey
And it breaks her heart
There’s a stranger speaks outside her door
Says take what you can from your dreams
Make them as real as anything
It’d take the work out of the courage
But she says, “Please
There’s a crazy man that’s creeping outside my door,
I live on the corner of Grey Street and the end of the world”
There’s an emptiness inside her
And she’d do anything to fill it in
And though it’s red blood bleeding from her now
It’s more like cold blue ice in her heart
She feels like kicking out all the windows
And setting fire to this life
She could change everything about her using colors bold and bright
But all the colors mix together - to grey
And it breaks her heart
It breaks her heart
To grey
